Welcome to Watch With..., the weekly feature in which we take one hour of British television, and watch it. But it doesn't stop there: we don't just watch it, we review it in real time, liveblogging it with me, hello, up here, and comments from all comers down there (*points*).
Tonight, we're going to be viewing, reviewing, dissecting, digesting and meditating upon Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmares USA, because it may not be a brand new concept, but it's good clean sweary fun. It's on Channel 4, from 10-11. Click on read more to read more, and hit refresh to refresh for new updates and comments, and do leave a comment yourself, whether you're watching the show, have something to say about the concept chancing past this blog in the morning, or just want to tell the world that you haven't watched television since 1986 and feel a much better person for it.
We're no strangers to Gordon, of course. Or rather he's no stranger to us, as whereas he wouldn't know us from a tin of beans (flageolet, not some common beans), we have blogged him before, both on his cookalong stunt, and his British Nightmares, but frankly, I've really been enjoying his US adventures.
Yes, of course they're deeply edited for 'entertainment purposes' and therefore possibly the demonic faketeevee we all fear and loathe, but it has been a rollicking series so far, so we thought it would be fun.
And anyway, perhaps that's a jumping off point for serious media-esque discussion. How much faketeevee is too much faketeevee, if it is entertaining fakery and stated to be so?
Or we could just hold frippery discussion about his big wrinkly face. I'm easy.
9.45: It hasn't started yet, and we've already got a summary of the show from commenters in the curtain raiser blog.
Googlymoogly says: Simplify the menu. Reduce your prices a wee bit and simplify the menu. Oh yeah, and always remember to simplify the menu. Fegbarr adds that the restauranteur should: Always use good, locally sourced, fresh ingredients. symball predicts: don't forget- you have to clean the kitchen/ you could kill someone/ I ate here last night *retch* (insert at least one more f-ing than the sentence can handle randomly) amanda50 adds the important note: 'Whatever you do, make sure you don't look like Shrek in a dress.' And as a final note from Storm: Don't forget the completely unqualified 'chef' shouting "Who is he to tell me how to F***in' cook!", followed by a storm out and/or sacking.
So there we have it. Thanks and good night, this has been Watch With... So, what have we learnt?. Oh no, hang on, it hasn't started yet.
10.03: "Strong language from the start and throughout", says Mr Continuity, as Mr Voiceover says that Gordon's going to meet The Most Opinionated Chef of His Career. And he's French. And they're in California. And the waitresses seem to be from Clitheroe. Fair enough.
10.06pm: I don't know about opinionated, but this man appears to be at least the most shouty chef Gordon's ever met. Or, perhaps, in the world. And that's a challenge.
What's more, the manager of the Secret Garden, one of the few restaurant names that comes to mind as both a euphemism for female genitalia AND a wistful children's book, owes around $300,000-$320,000 in debt.
What could possibly be the problem here?
Well, for a start, Gordon's arrived, and can't find the front door.
10.09: Sitting down for his sample meal, Gordon's being ruder than ever. In fact, he's been getting ruder with each one of these US editions, as if coming in as objectionable and arrogant as possible is somehow more dramatic. Which it is. If somewhat edited for entertainment value. You see what I'm saying there?
Anyway, the waitress presents him with a bread basket containing one single tiny roll in the words biggest wicker thing. The starter is garlic prawns served with strawberries, which is not only morally wrong, but also, apparently, undercooked and cold.
And then it gets worse.
After the meal, Gordon removes himself to the kitchen and calls the chef - Michel - arrogant, stupid, crap, and ... well, a bunch of other stuff.
Now, I'm not saying Gordon's not doing his job by being grumpy here, he is, but frankly, he's been a mardy arse from the second he appeared on camera - which is either an editorial decision, or he has haemorrhoids.
10.17: The kitchen inspection! Gordon wanders around the kitchen going 'Euuuugh!' 'Gneaugh!' 'Waauuuurgh!' After finding mould in the food, on the food - there's so much mould on the food, the shelves in the fridge have mould. The bottles have mould. The sweet potatoes, meanwhile, have maggots. Gordon has a bit of a sick in the toilet. Or at least makes retching noises, which might or might not be edited for entertainment purposes.
10.22: Gordon and Michel have a big fight. Or Gordon does. To begin with, it's mainly Gordon shouting, and saying 'What are you going to say? Don't you want my help? Don't you fcking lecture me!" and Michel stands there smiling and seething and not saying anything, and then letting rip in cutaway scenes afterward. But still, his calm arrogance is somewhat annoying - especially when you consider someone's waving a maggot infested sweet potato up his nose.
10.25: Gordon observes a dinner service. Starters which are basically a single canape on a plate. With a strawberry. Mains which take 25-30 minutes to prepare, each one ("Well, I like to enjoy being in a restaurant for two, three hours" says Michel. Also me, my dove. But I like to have a choice) Gordon points out that Michel is obsessed with crusting and stuffing things, and I've been sitting here trying to think of a clean enough joke for here about that, and I just can't.
Once Michel disappears, the Sous Chef, Devon takes over, and food starts going out more efficiently. And where is Michel? Why, he is chatting up the customers. Superb.
"I like to go to the customers. Because it's great for my ego" Superb honesty, there.
10.30pm: Shock tactics - Gordon sticks a couple of 'CLOSED FOR BUSINESS' signs on the outside of the restaurant. Michel is grumpy about this. Oh, the drama.
Back in the kitchen, Ramsay shows the chefs how to cook a few simple (yes, marks for Googlymoogly there) specials, some of them made with locally sourced (ping five points for Fegbarr!) ingredients. Tuna Nicoise, Asparagus tart, all the nice, simple things. Michel is desperately unimpressed.
"Is 'e a gret chef? No! He thinks 'e is a good chef! But I was voted Best Chef in Conejo Valley!"
Sorry, where? You are aware this man has some Michelin stars, yes?
10.34: On Saturday night, the busiest night of the week, the starters go down a storm. But everything else goes tits up. And then Michel makes the nice English waitress cry. He upset Clitheroe Jane?! Oh, well, now it's war.
10.40: Back from the break, and after the terrible evening, Gordon takes the staff in hand. Or tries to, as he has to keep shouting 'Shut UP!' at Michel, who doesn't quite seem to get it yet. Bearing in mind there are only three days left, this isn't a good sign.
In a cutaway scene, he explains. "OO ees this guy? My restaurant is more successful than 'im!" Again, Michel, no, not really.
Gordon throws away all the tat and antiquities that were making the place look 'like a fcking FUNERAL home!', and redoes the restaurant in plain, classy white tablecloths and wooden chairs.
Michel doesn't like it. It's too young. Too simple. It's too nice, it's going to scare the only customers they still have, and ruin EVERYthing. Jesus, this man's a complete idiot.
Oh, he doesn't like the menu. It's too simple, and nowhere near rich enough. Nothing is stuffed, or crusted.
To be fair, it's not atypically 'French', as many people might expect, or at least their usual customers, it's very plain and general-European, and not faffy enough for Michel.
10.48: High drama indeed. A food critic is eating in the restaurant on this, their relaunch night. Michel prepares something from Gordon's menu, criminally oversalts and seasons her dish, and, when she complains and sends it back, he offers her one of his faffy signature dishes, and abandons Gordon's menu completely, shouting "'Is menu is not better than mine! 'E is not a chef!"
Gordon loses his temper completely. And really, actually. Not in a dramatic way, just in a really quiet, angry, air-stabbing-finger-and-trying-not-to-punch-people way.
He gets changed, and walks out of the restaurant.
Oooh, the drama!
10.53: Back from the break, and though I really would like to go off on one right now about the televisual poofest that is Channel 4's new Friday 9pm Primetime fare (phonecamera clips nicked from YouTube), I will concentrate on this instead.
Gordon comes back. Michel serves something from the new menu, properly cooked, to the critic, and she loves it.
Michel is still slightly unsure, believing that the 'mai real critics are the customers!' And goes to grill them all about whether they really liked the new restaurant and menu (before, presumably, stuffing them and crusting them). And they like it.
In the last two minutes of the show, we learn that he admits he was wrong, is willing to change everything, the restaurant is up on profits and on covers, and everything is getting better thanks to Gordon the end.
11pm: So, as is traditional with this feature, we ask: What have we learnt from this hour of British terrestrial television?
1. It is important to simplify your menu. 2. And use local ingredients. 3. If you call a television programme with a celebrity Michelin-starred chef to help save your restaurant for a week, it is possibly advisable not to spend the first six and a half days maintaining that you know better than him. 4. NEVER oversalt tuna. 5. While by no means all French chefs are arrogant and annoying, those that are probably work enough at it to get a bad name for everyone else. 6. That feisty waitresses (nay, now managers, congrats!) from Clitheroe - or possibly not Clitheroe, it was just a tie in with the 'Secret Garden' thing - will always win the popular vote. Particularly in a US special with only a French chef for competition. God Save The Queen! And Jane!
No idea what we're doing next week, but it'll be something. See you there, different bat-time, different bat-channel, but still, you know, with some bats. Or something. Thank you and good night
