JUNGS, ES IST ARSENAL!
Bayern Munich are usually the hot favourites whenever they face English opposition. Take the time they welcomed Liverpool to the Olympiastadion for the second leg of their Big Cup semi-final in 1981. Or when they faced Aston Villa in Rotterdam in the 1982 final. Or when they travelled to Barcelona in 1999 confident in their ability to see off Manchester United. Or the time, full of expectation, they welcomed Chelsea to their Allianz Arena in 2012. Can you spot a pattern developing?
But maverick Arsène Wenger doesn’t play by the usual rules. His Arsenal artisans aren’t the sort of bumbling, clod-hopping grafters who dirty their hands by digging in and grinding out famous results. How gauche. Instead, they swan around balletically, and in doing so have lost three Big Cup knockout ties against Bayern in a dozen years. In addition, when the teams met in the groups last season, Arsenal lost 5-1. And now they’ve lost 5-1 again, a result that’s certain to extend the club’s dismal six-season sequence of failing to get past the Round of Arsenal. The same thing keeps happening again and again and again and again and again. It’s a bit like that Bill Murray film ... what’s the one ... ah yes, Lost in Translation, where everyone’s wandering around aimlessly in a somnolent daze, unsure what to do next or even what time it is. Or maybe we’re thinking of The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou. Can’t remember. Ah, it’s not important, you get the general drift.
This latest humiliation, Arsenal’s third defeat in four matches, raises serious questions about Wenger’s future at the club. The offer of a new deal from the board remains on the table, despite it all, and Wenger is unlikely to make any dramatic decision before the end of the season, preferring as always to take stock during the relative calm of summer. But his former charge Martin Keown has suggested retirement at the end of this campaign now “looks likely”, while Keown’s old defensive mucker Lee Dixon thinks this result “might be the final straw”. Meanwhile a nuanced philosophical debate among fans continues on YouTube, where it’s now possible to monetise entitlement. Hey, the club wasn’t once known as Royal Arsenal for nothing.
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QUOTE OF THE DAY
“To mark the gaffer’s anniversary, the club will be providing the travelling supporters with Simon Grayson masks to show their support for him at the DW Stadium. The reverse of the masks will be all yellow, so remember to hold yours up as the team come out of the tunnel to create a sea of yellow in the away end” – in news that is sure to grind George Monbiot’s gears, Preston will hand out 4,700 Simon Grayson masks to fans in honour of their manager completing four years at the club without being told to do one.
FIVER LETTERS
“Arsenal need to Cech themselves before they wreck … oh” – Chris Walker.
“‘Wretched Arsenal stare at a bleak future’, ‘A fragmented performance has blown Arsenal’s season to smithereens’, ‘Wenger … is now doomed to brood that the sole trophy in the past three seasons came in an FA Cup win’. Kevin McCarra 10 years ago, I doff my cap to you” – Noble Francis.
“Honestly, six Xs instead of LXI (yesterday’s Bits and Bobs)? Even the NFL knows how to do this properly” – Christopher Smith (and 1,056 others).
“Well done Patrick O’Brien for the pre-emptive ‘Oh Arsène, how could you!’ (yesterday’s letters) I think a certain Frenchman could learn a lot from you on tactics. However, you forgot to add that Arsenal are still Barcelona-lite, and will do anything to imitate their idols. On a brighter note, at least John Carver of Mars isn’t in the running to get Wenger’s job” – Matt Keeler.
“Re: Paul Butler’s ‘nice footballers’ list (yesterday’s letters), can I put forward one of football’s most charismatic men, Bryan Robson? He signed an autograph for me many years ago in London. Why is this such a nice thing? Because it was 1997, just after our (Middlesbrough) second cup final defeat of the season and painful relegation. Until Big Sam lost his England gig, I’d not seen such a hangdog look on a man’s face than Big Bry” – Andrew Tate.
• Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … Chris Walker.
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Join AC Jimbo … hang on, let’s start that again. Join Max Rushden and co for Football Weekly Extraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa … aaaaaaaaaaa … aaaaaaaaaaaa [that’s enough – Fiver Ed].
BITS AND BOBS
The Clat Man has given himself a whopper of a journey should he wish to nip off to see Ed Sheeran live in Newcastle after agreeing to take up a senior refereeing role in the footballing hotbed of Saudi Arabia.
England fans have been warned that they are “100% guaranteed” to be the target for Russian hooligans at the Ethics World Cup and that the tournament will be “a festival of violence” for some locals, according to some absolute whoppers speaking on a BBC2 documentary to be screened tonight at 9pm.
World Cup winner George Cohen is willing to donate his brain to science to aid research into dementia in ex-footballers. “Whatever will help, I mean why not? It’s no use to me anymore at that stage … my wife Daphne says she wouldn’t mind, and I certainly wouldn’t mind.”
Hull have been given a slap on the wrist and fined £20,000 after admitting they failed to keep a lid on their fresh and funky players, who got all up in the Clat Man’s grill during Saturday’s defeat by Arsenal.
And despite presiding over a failing national team and having received a vote of no confidence in parliament in its ability to reform itself, the FA has made a record amount of dosh. “We are delighted to be in such strong financial health,” backslapped chief suit Martin Glenn. “The FA is For All and this allows us to invest even more money than ever before back into every level of our national game.”
STILL WANT MORE?
Remember when Manchester United played St-Étienne in Plymouth because of a riot? Paul Doyle does, and if you let him, he’ll tell you all about it.
The long, sad goodbye got closer in Munich. Barney Ronay on the exit music getting louder for Arsène Wenger.
While Toby Moses reckons the problem isn’t who should fill Arsène Wenger’s shoes if he does one, but who is clued up enough to pick the right man to succeed him now that there is no David Dein.
YORKSHIRE! YORKSHIRE! YORKSHIRE! Good news for lads called Lee who wear short-sleeve tops in January: northern soul is back in the Championship. Here’s Louise Taylor on the resurgence of Nasty Leeds, Huddersfield and Sheffield Wednesday.
Not so good news for another big lot in the Championship though: Aston Villa haven’t won a game this year, so could they go down again? Martin Laurence wonders, through the tears.
Some classic YouTube-ing here: have a bang on some great FA Cup fifth round games, including Nasty Leeds being binned by Colchester and the game that saw off King Kenny.
Quiz! Quiz! Quiz! Spot the missing club in the career paths of these ol’ players
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