So let’s wrap up with a run-down of today’s European friendly results:
Czech Republic 0-1 Scotland
Denmark 2-1 Iceland
Estonia 0-0 Norway
Greece 2-1 Montenegro
Italy 1-1 Spain
Malta 0-0 Moldova
Turkey 2-1 Sweden
Ukraine 1-0 Cyprus
Wales 1-1 Northern Ireland
Nighty night!
FULL TIME: Italy 1-1 Spain
And the re-run of the Euro 2012 final ends in a draw.
FULL TIME: Czech Republic 0-1 Scotland
And the Scots win in Prague thanks to Anya’s early goal! Rather disgracefully, J “I’ll eat my hat” R in Illinois is pretending not to have read the second half entries just after 9.10pm UK time. “Thank you for not taking up my offer for you to suggest an item of my apparel for me to eat. It’s too late now so I hereby rescind my offer.” For shame, JR, for shame!
FULL TIME: Wales 1-1 Northern Ireland
So Northern Ireland still haven’t beaten Wales since May 1980, when Noel Brotherston of Blackburn Rovers won the game for them. But once the disappointment of that late equaliser eases off, they’ll be happy enough. They looked very tidy for the most part tonight, absorbing all sorts of Welsh pressure with ease, and occasionally looking dangerous on the break. They’ve now gone eight games, and a whole calendar year, unbeaten. Wales meanwhile have avoided losing three matches in a row.
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GOAL! Wales 1-1 Northern Ireland (Church 90)
Wheech! Into the top left it goes! Wales draw level at the death. What a preposterous challenge by McAuley that was, though. Church was going nowhere.
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Penalty for Wales!
89 min: Church goes skittering down the inside-right channel. McAuley slides in from the left, and that’s a no-brainer for the referee! Church gets up and prepares to take the spot kick himself.
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85 min: Northern Ireland look calm and compact. They give the distinct impression of knowing exactly what they’re doing. Church thought he’d have a free header at goal from six yards, but the Irish back four pushed up in a manner which would make late 1980s Arsenal feel all warm and bouncy inside. Up goes the flag. “So the Czech Republic are thrashing Scotland 0-1, are they?” writes Simon McMahon. “Eat my shorts, JR in Illinois.”
80 min: This game in Cardiff has been a load of bitty nonsense. It’s getting the MBM it deserves.
GOAL! Italy 1-1 Spain (Aritz Aduriz 71)
But the reigning European champions come straight back at Italy. For a while this friendly was shaping up to be as big an anti-climax as the Euro 2012 final. But no more.
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GOAL! Italy 1-0 Spain (Lorenzo Insigne 67)
A sickener for the Spanish.
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Northern Ireland’s dander is up, and Wales are looking scrappy. The Irish are on a seven-game unbeaten run, looking to make it eight. They’ve got a fair chance of that now. The last team to beat the Irish? Scotland, almost a year ago to the day, at Hampden. Christophe Berra did for them with a late header. The Scots, incidentally, are still winning in Prague. About 40 minutes ago, JR in Illinois wrote: “If the Czech Republic doesn’t score I’ll eat an article of my clothing of your choice.” We never did take him up on that. No need to get the knife and fork out yet, but just in case the Scots hold on: JR, do you have a large-brimmed, iconic, easy-to-digest hat?
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GOAL! Wales 0-1 Northern Ireland (Cathcart 60)
The visitors go direct, and show Wales how it’s done. A corner won down the right. The ball’s rolled back to McNair, deep on that wing, and he swings a fine cross to the far post. It’s half cleared by Chester. Lawrence is beaten to the dropping ball by Cathcart, who swivels on the penalty spot and lashes a low shot into the bottom right!
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58 min: Still raining in Cardiff, where it’s all Wales at the moment. But they’re going nowhere, a lot of faffing around in the middle to little effect. Ashley Williams storms forward in an attempt to shake things up. But nothing happens.
FULL TIME: Ukraine 1-0 Cyprus
We’re under no obligation to talk this stuff up.
50 min: A little bit of action in Cardiff! Kyle Lafferty bursts into the Welsh area down the left, and looks to curl one into the top right. It’s a decent, powerful effort, but parried into the air and gathered calmly by Welsh substitute keeper Danny Ward, formerly of Aberdeen and now waiting for Jurgen Klopp to lose patience with Simon Mignolet at Liverpool.
FULL TIME: Denmark 2-1 Iceland
Yes, too little, too late for Iceland. They still haven’t beaten the Danes, who did for Iceland in their first-ever official international back in 1946. On the flip side, Iceland are going to France this summer, and the Danes are not. So it’s swings and roundabouts.
GOAL! Denmark 2-1 Iceland (Arnor Ingvi Traustason 89)
Too little, too late for Iceland? The young Norrköping midfielder grabs what is almost certainly a late consolation.
FULL TIME: Turkey 2-1 Sweden
A better night for Turkey than Euro 2016 Group D rivals Czech Republic. So far. Only Scotland can bring them down from this high.
Half time in Cardiff: Wales 0-0 Northern Ireland. It’s still raining in Cardiff. “The Spanish kit is not necessarily vomit or design induced,” argues Dave Manby, “just someone threw pizzas at them.” Incidentally, here’s tonight’s Spain starting XI: De Gea, Juanfran, Pique, Sergio Ramos, Azpilicueta, San Jose, ☛☛☛Fabregas☚☚☚, Thiago, Mata, Morata, Aduriz.
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GOAL! Turkey 2-1 Sweden (Cenk Tosun 81)
But not for long.
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GOAL! Turkey 1-1 Sweden (Andreas Granqvist 74)
Sweden are back in it!
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41 min: Nothing is going on in Wales. So refreshing to be sort of writing a MBM, but not really writing one at all. “Don’t be deceived by the Czech Republic-Scotland scoreline; the Czech’s are literally all over Scotland,” writes JR in Illinois. “McGregor must have five or six saves already. If the Czech Republic doesn’t score I’ll eat an article of my clothing of your choice. And to think how worried I was that Scotland was going to snag that third place spot in the Euro qualifiers away from Ireland. To be fair they were in the pole position there for a little bit but they’re looking very nondescript right now. (And if you want to talk about kits, Scotland is sporting an awful, putrid pink number.)”
He’s right, readers: here’s McGregor making a save at full stretch. But that shirt’s quite nice. Isn’t it? It’s an improvement on the tartan home kit, that much is surely true.
GOAL! Denmark 2-0 Iceland (Nicolai Jorgensen 54)
A second goal for the Copenhagen striker. A historic first win for Iceland in this fixture looks very unlikely now. Unfortunately for them, Martin Skrtel isn’t Danish.
The red fury. Spain are playing in Italy tonight. No goals yet, but in lieu of action, here’s Charles Antaki: “Have just seen Spain’s new away kit. From a distance it looks like a splurge of orangey-red on a white shirt. In close up it looks alarmingly but unmistakably like vomit. Either they’ve all overindulged in dodgy chorizo or something has gone badly, badly wrong in the design department.”
GOAL! Denmark 1-0 Iceland (Nicolai Jorgensen 50)
So right now, it looks as though Iceland’s sorry record against Denmark is set to continue. But look on the bright side: there’s plenty of time to respond to this opener, and it’s very unlikely that this match will end in another 14-2 defeat.
23 min: McNair, the best part of 35 yards out, attempts to send a rising heatseeker into the top right. High and wide, but not so far away that it deserves the mockery of the BBC Wales commentary team. Nothing wrong with a bit of ambition and experimentation, chaps.
21 min: Northern Ireland keeper McGovern is forced into a save in Cardiff. Cotterill, 25 yards out on the right, threads a low shot through a thicket of people, looking for the bottom-left corner. It nearly worms its way in, but McGovern’s strong palm turns the ball round for a corner. From the set piece, Cotterill gets involved on the other wing, attempting a curler into the top right. Not quite. But not bad either.
FULL TIME: Greece 2-1 Montenegro
No, I didn’t really think this formatting through, did I. But we’re stuck with it now. Greece are finally beginning to reap the rewards of all the groundwork laid back in 2014 by Claudio Ranieri. That’s right, isn’t it.
GOAL! Czech Republic 0-1 Scotland (Ikechi Anya 10)
Not much going on in Wales at the moment. A half-chance for Ledley, who spurned an opportunity to shoot from the left of the D. But never mind that! Because look at this scoreline!
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News of the Denmark-Iceland match. “This friendly has a little bit more riding on it than the others,” writes Kári Tulinius. “For context, Iceland is a former colony of Denmark. And Iceland has never beaten its former colonial master in 22 games, losing 18 times. This might just be a world record in terms of an unbeaten run by one international team against another, especially given that it stretches back to 1946. Currently it’s 0-0 at halftime.”
That run of course includes this 14-2 battering in 1967 ...
... an infamous game which recently inspired Reykjavik brewer Borg to rustle up a white stout called 2-14. Ah the 6.5% ABV tang of failure!
7 min: The first corner of the evening for Northern Ireland. Swung in from the right, it lands on the head of Evans, standing on the penalty spot. But he’s also very nearly standing on Chester’s shoulders, and the whistle goes for a foul.
GOAL! Ukraine 1-0 Cyprus (Taras Stepanenko 40)
Yes, this is going to get confusing, isn’t it. But we’re in too deep. As George Costanza once said of his new smoking habit: can’t stop now!
2 min: Wales have started brightly down this right wing. Now Gunter earns himself a yard and curls powerfully towards the near post. Vokes isn’t going to make the same mistake twice, and he’s made a run this time. But he sends a close-range header wide right.
50 secs: What a start for young George Williams! He makes good down the right and loops a gorgeous long cross towards the far post. If Vokes had gambled on a run, he’d have had a tap-in. But he didn’t. You’ll not see as good a cross all year.
And we're off in Wales!
The hosts get the ball rolling, and knock it around the back awhile. Matthews goes off on a sprint down the left, but he’s bundled off the ball soon enough. A rare old atmosphere in Cardiff.
That minute, though, is one of sombre reflection. The Cardiff City Stadium falls silent in memory of the souls who perished in the atrocity visited upon Brussels this week. A Belgian flag unfurled in the centre circle; a moment’s silence perfectly observed.
Wales and Northern Ireland pose for a minutes silence in memory of Belgium terror attacks Photograph: David Davies/PA
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The teams are out in Cardiff! It is tipping down. God Save the Queen gets the bird. Does anybody like it? No. Then a belting rendition of Hen Wlad Fy Nhadau, which as you’d imagine is quite a bit more popular. We’ll be off in a minute!
Chris Coleman speaks! “Some young boys are in there today. Ideally we’ll give everyone some time on the pitch. Obviously we’re missing quite a few, but it gives us a chance to have a look at others. A tough game tonight, but we’re looking forward to it.”
As does Michael O’Neill! “We want to get some consistency in the team, so only two changes. We’re happy with our line-up.”
Not much to go on there, if we’re honest. But they’re international football managers, not performing monkeys who’ll dance for our pleasure.
Tonight's teams from the Cardiff City Stadium
Wales: Hennessey, Gunter, Matthews, Chester, Ashley Williams, Cotterill, Ledley, Vaughan, Lawrence, Vokes, George Williams.
Subs: Fon Williams, Crofts, Isgrove, Henley, Richards, Allen, MacDonald, Church, Jonathan Williams, Huws, Taylor, Ward.
Northern Ireland: McGovern, Cathcart, McNair, McLaughlin, McAuley, Jonny Evans, Davis, Dallas, Norwood, Washington, K Lafferty.
Subs: Carroll, D Lafferty, McCullough, McGinn, McKay, Ferguson, Hodson, Paton, Hughes, Ward, Smith, Carson.
Referee: Steven McLean (Scotland).
GOAL! Greece 2-1 Montenegro (Nikolaos Karelis 62)
It was only a matter of time.
GOAL! Turkey 1-0 Sweden (Cenk Tosun 32)
The goals are flying in now.
And now the big team news from Cardiff, where Wales will be taking on Northern Ireland. There’s no Gareth Bale or Aaron Ramsey for the Welsh, both players out injured with Ryan’s Syndrome. Sam Vokes of Burnley will be the focal point of their attack; he’s scored 10 in the last 14 for his club. The 20-year-old Gillingham winger George Williams also gets a run out.
Northern Ireland meanwhile hand Conor Washington of QPR a debut. He’ll line up in attack alongside Kyle Lafferty, now of Birmingham City, for whom it’s hoped he’ll actually get a game or two before Euro 2016 comes round.
GOAL! Greece 1-1 Montenegro (Zarko Tomasevic 57)
... worth the wait, huh.
GOAL! Greece 1-0 Montenegro (Giorgos Tzavelas 54)
We have lift-off! And like London buses ...
News of the Scotland team to face the Czechs in Prague. Aberdeen midfielder Kenny McLean makes his debut, Fulham forward Ross McCormack leads the line, Robert Snodgrass is back after long-term knee-knack, and Alan Hutton makes his 50th appearance for his country. Alan Hutton. Fifty caps. Alan Hansen only ever played 26 times.
The Only Way Is Up dept. So two European friendlies have been completed already today. This afternoon’s kick-off, Malta versus Moldova, ended goalless. Just finished: Estonia versus Norway, which also ended goalless. Greece versus Montenegro kicked off at 6pm GMT; that’s goalless at half time. And it’s currently goalless between Turkey and Sweden too, though to be fair that one hasn’t been going for much more than ten minutes. Breaking news, crashing over your head like a wave.
Good evening.
Total football? Bloody hell. It’s been an awfully difficult day, with the heartbreaking passing of Johan Cruyff dominating everyone’s thoughts. But the show must go on, as the great man himself decided when Ajax told him he was too old to continue playing in 1983. Cruyff performed a majestic flounce, joined bitter rivals Feyenoord, and sashayed his way to a gloriously spiteful league-and-cup double. Marvellous. The most deliberately contrary act of a life packed full of them? Perhaps!
Though the world’s only Total Own Goal (1m 01s here) runs it close. It’s hard not to suspect his in-built attacking genius momentarily took over, as he chested the ball down and sent it sailing serenely into the top-left corner of the net with an insouciant flick. The greatest own goal ever? Yes. There’s a good chance he was secretly pleased with it.
Anyway, we digress. So yes, the show goes on. And here’s the plan for tonight’s Clocko. We’ll mainly concentrate on the local stramash between two Euro 2016 hopefuls, Wales and Northern Ireland. It’s an MBM in all but name. And possibly detail. Because we’ll also be keeping tabs on the latest scores elsewhere. Here’s the evening’s fixture list:
Czech Republic v Scotland (7.45pm GMT)
Denmark v Iceland (7pm)
Italy v Spain (7.45pm)
Ukraine v Cyprus (7pm)
Wales v Northern Ireland (7.45pm GMT)
There have also been a few earlier kick-offs elsewhere. But I’ll get round to those in a minute. Let’s go!
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