BLYDI HELL
Today may feel like just another Monday to you, reader, but in fact it is one of the most great and momentous days in the football calendar: it is the day when the 2016-17 season officially begins. Confusingly, it officially begins just the six days before the 2015-16 season officially ends. At Carrington, José Mourinho reported for duty for the first time, presumably decorating his office, as he did at Chelsea’s Cobham base, with pictures of himself and books about himself, before donning his wrapper-fresh monogrammed red jersey and trotting out to lead pre-season training for those fundamentally disappointing squad members who aren’t either in France or on hospital drips in Bali.
Hundreds of people, in short, have spent today running up sand dunes (this may have gone out of fashion in the 1950s) and dribbling around traffic cones in the hope that doing so will make them more likely to drink champagne out of a trophy while perched upon an open-top bus sometime next May. It is an awkward time of year, in which our short-term focus on an engaging and ongoing international competition is interrupted by a competing long-term vision. What we need, then, is a single unifying entity, one that can straddle the two like a plucky cowboy careering around a sawdust-strewn arena while standing with a foot each on two galloping horses (a trick known – much like Chelsea’s post-2003 success – as Roman Riding).
There is only one place to look here. One country, and one alone, can reasonably claim to be at the beating heart of the most glorious moments remaining in both the scraggy rump of this season and the promising longueurs of the next, and that country, astonishingly, is Wales. A country that for the first time in its history finds itself at the very epicentre of the European continent’s footballing ambitions in both short term and long. Not only is Wales one of only four nations still scrapping it out for this season’s last notable trophy, they are also in charge of next season’s last proper pot, Cardiff’s Big Cup final being just 335 days away (AKA precisely 11 months minus one day from now). Whether they actually go and win Euro 2016 or not, on this day, this hopeful day, Wales is the home of football.
Gareth Bale, a star of this Wales team, was speaking today about, well, mainly about himself, however hard he tried not to. “The team is the star for us. There’s no star in the team. We work as one,” he said. “The most important thing for me is the team. We’re playing for the nation and the badge.” Bale’s focus is Wales. His focus, as he prepares for Wednesday’s semi-final, is Wales. Pep Guardiola’s focus, as he prepares to “kick ar$e”, is Wales. In Milan, Madrid and Munich they dream of being the ones to put the glamour in Glamorgan. Football, for a few sweet hours, is united. On Friday, Wales beat Belgium and conquered the world.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“Must be able to entertain superstars and schoolchildren at the same time all while dressed in an eight-foot tall sun costume. [Must have] the ability to convey complex messages while only using your hands. Any candidate has to be willing to generally lark about in front of thousands of people on a Saturday” – troublingly, the outgoing former inhabitant of Partick Thistle’s terrifying mascot, Kingsley, has also pointed out the successful candidate to replace him needs to be “good with duct tape”.
FIVER LETTERS
“I can stand it no longer. Can we please start using the phrase ‘kicks from the mark’ to describe the method of determining the outcome of a game instead of referring to players taking penalties? Yes, I am one of those pedants. A ‘penalty kick’ is so fundamentally different to a ‘kick from the penalty mark’ that they need two separate Laws (Law 14 and Law 10). The only resemblance between a penalty kick and a kick from the mark is that England players are likely to scuff both of them” – John Daykin.
“I kind of agree with Stephen Kirk’s letter about penalties before the game (Friday’s Fiver letters) – with a variation. A penalty shootout at the end of 90 minutes so both teams will know who is going through in the event of a draw in extra-time. This will also give the player who missed the vital penalty an opportunity to redeem himself by scoring a 30-yard raker. I’m seriously struggling to remember an occasion when I said ‘extra time was great, wasn’t it?’” – Dougie McCrae.
“Stephen’s suggestion misses the point of penalty shootouts, which is that sport is inherently unfair. Unfair on the team whose punishment for losing is disproportionate to the margin of defeat, and unfair on those of us watching the match, forced to watch this instead of something entertaining” – Ed Taylor.
• Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … Dougie McCrae.
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RECOMMENDED VIEWING
Pep talk. With Jonathan Wilson.
RECOMMENDED LISTENING
It’s Euro 2016 Football Daily, with AC Jimbo and co.
BITS AND BOBS
Crystal Palace. Christian Benteke. An improved £31.5m offer. Imagine receiving that bid at Anfield!
Manchester’s Ukrainian Cultural Centre, ‘Dnipro’, can expect a few more members now midfielder Oleksandr Zinchenko has pitched up at City from FC Ufa.
Mark Hughes is hoping Fenerbahce’s Nani will shortly be Stoke City’s Nani, which will come as news to Valencia, who thought he was going to be Valencia’s Nani. “Without giving too much away, there is an interest there,” parped Hughes’ No2 Mark Bowen, giving quite a lot away.
The EU has made a too late bid to encourage Leave-voting English football fans to change their minds by demanding Barcelona, Real Madrid, Valencia, Athletic Bilbao, Osasuna, Elche and Hercules pay back their government the €70m they shouldn’t have been given in state funding.
Having spent much of England’s Euro 2016 campaign falling short, Chris Smalling has now fallen down on holiday in Bali. “Manchester United can clarify Chris Smalling has had food poisoning during his holiday, which resulted in him fainting,” reckoned a Manchester United statement.
Sami Khedira will miss Germany’s Euro 2016 semi-final against France with adductor muscle-gah! Meanwhile, Bastian Schweinsteiger is also a doubt with knee ligament-knack. “We will not put our head in the sand,” roared Germany’s manager Joachim Löw, getting Nigel Pearson’s attention.
And Glenn Murray has done one back to Brighton, returning on loan from Bournemouth. “His goalscoring record speaks for itself,” cheered Chris Hughton, not letting his goalscoring record speak for itself.
STILL WANT MORE?
You want Euro 2016 power rankings? Alan Smith is going to give you so much Euro 2016 power rankings you won’t be able to handle it.
A back four which includes Bacary Sagna and Patrice Evra – combined age 945 – should be enough to give France cold sweats before they face Germany, points out Rob Smyth.
Takk Iceland, writes Barney Ronay.
Simon Burnton watched France shellack Iceland, and wrote five talking points on the match without mentioning the thunderclap once.
Pretty certain it’s just our NYC desk who are celebrating Independence Day by watching needless remakes and reminiscing about great USA! USA!! USA!!! soccerball goals of the past, but that’s no reason not to have a look.
Alan Smith has written a Premier League quiz for our Flamin’ Down Under desk but non-Australians can have a go on it too.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. AND INSTACHAT TOO!
