Name: Cabbage
Age: 3,000 years old.
Status: Cool.
Cabbage? Cabbage.
Watery, boiled, nothingy, flatulence-inducing cabbage is cool now? It’s so cool. You wouldn’t believe how cool it is. It’s basically the Fonz, if the Fonz was essentially just a large brussels sprout.
What evidence do you have for this awful statement? A rival national newspaper just ran a headline calling it cool.
Well that’s hardly anything, is it? I’m pretty sure the Daily Telegraph thinks gout is cool. Oh, fine then, supermarkets are also selling far more cabbages than they used to. Sainsbury’s claims that cabbage sales have risen by 39% since Christmas.
Oh, really? Why? Because people have finally cottoned on to pickling, that’s why! Sales of cider vinegar have also risen sharply this year, which has led to the belief that people are surrounding themselves with a whirlwind of homemade sauerkraut and kimchi.
But don’t both those things taste disgusting? No! They’re the next big thing in food, you philistine, as they have been for approximately the past 15 years. Kimchi is basically a probiotic, you know.
Does it taste nice? No. No, it doesn’t.
And is this definitely the reason for the sudden cabbage explosion? Well, no, if you wanted to be cynical, you could point to the reduced levels of other, nicer vegetables thanks to the continuing bad weather in Spain, where Britain gets most of its vegetables. We’ve already seen shortages of courgettes, broccoli and lettuce, so maybe people now just think that forcing down a cabbage is the best they’ll be able to manage.
That doesn’t make cabbage cool. I know. It makes it a glum substitute for better food. But maybe that’s worth getting used to. Once Brexit kicks in and the cost of imported food skyrockets, we’ll probably all revert to a gruesome wartime diet of grey meat and transparent gravy and boiled cabbage. It’s good to be prepared.
That doesn’t sound nice at all. Sorry, I went off-track there. I meant we’ll revert to a gruesome wartime diet of grey meat and transparent gravy and artisanal small-batch homemade kimchi.
That sounds much better! Doesn’t it just.
Do say: “But when will the humble turnip have its day in the sun?”
Don’t say: “I hope cabbage prices don’t go up; I’m brassica.”
