1. Steve Coogan as Alan Partridge
Standing for Ukip has to be the logical next step for (North) Norfolk’s premier d-jock. Let’s look at his credentials: his disdain for the BBC and London suggest a strong anti-establishment streak, he likes a pint of bitter, and he’s chock full of politically incorrect sentiment. (Exhibit one: “I tended to shun Japanese culture. It was the mid-90s, it was more acceptable then.”) In fact Partridge has expressed admiration for Nigel Farage to the Telegraph, so who knows?
Key pledge: compulsory sports casual, and on-the-spot James Bond testing.
2. Simon Munnery as Alan Parker
Ed Miliband has no principles, they say. He can’t communicate with the masses, they say. Well, up in the slipstream comes bedsit anarchist Alan Parker, “probably the most leftwing person in the country”, energised after years out of the limelight. None of this tinkering around the edges with austerity-lite and unworkable threats to the big six – with Parker you’d get radical solutions to radical problems. He might even get Russell Brand to the ballot box.
Key pledge: To smash the system (from within).
3. Rich Hall as Otis Lee Crenshaw
If you think Ukip are hauling the Conservatives to the right, just wait till you get a blue-blood Tennessee boy into Commons. And more than that, Crenshaw would provide an antidote to the career politician – never mind the thinktank drones and Alan the postie Johnson, Crenshaw is a bitter, lonesome country singer who’s seen the inside of a prison, and whose heart has been broken more times than is ideal even in his profession. Now that’s what I call life experience.
Key pledge: A slash in duty on liquor.
4. Sam Wills as The Boy With Tape On His Face
Now this would be a statement. What better way to satirise the vacuity of politicians’ promises and their over-used, hard-working phrases, than to say nothing at all? Imagine, there he is on Question Time, Diane Abbott and Jacob Rees-Mogg are getting absolutely nowhere, and there’s The Boy, simply rolling his eyes. When asked to outline his opinion on something, he gets up and makes his point by performing a delightful silent comedy skit with a member of the audience. Easy to do on A&E waiting times, less so on monetary policy, but it would be fun to watch him try.
Key pledge: Red balloons from the ceiling at the end of every PMQs.
5. Will Adamsdale as Chris John Jackson
Back we go to jargon with Jackson, who takes hollow sloganeering to absurd levels. If the spoof motivational speaker were to venture into politics, no longer would we have to be on high alert for the loophole, the un-said, the duplicity; because Jackson has absolutely no intention of saying anything of any meaning. Nor would be he short of policies. For example, his futile attempts to get the words “spider” and “box” to rhyme could perhaps come in handy for reconciling that pesky budget deficit. And don’t write him off – his idea to move the whole of London by a foot suggests a canny eye for gerrymandering. Achieved!
Key pledge: To push through with intensity.
