I have been dating this guy for almost six months. We haven’t gone official yet, but we’ve talked about having threesomes. I was all up for it at first. Then we ended up getting my best friend involved.
He was very up for it, and there was a moment that happened in a hotel room. He came over at 2am, after my best friend and I had been clubbing, obviously hoping to get the threesome he had been waiting for.
I said no to the threesome – my best friend wasn’t on birth control, and we had no condoms. But he touched her anyway and stroked her legs. I felt sick. He realised I wasn’t happy and he’d overstepped. We all slept in the same bed, but nothing happened. The next day, I told him there was no way we were going to have a threesome with my best friend – that if we did have a threesome, it would have to be with someone neither of us knew personally. I have tried to find that for him, but it’s a lot harder to find than I realised on dating apps or threesome apps.
With all this in mind, we are not ‘officially’ a couple. He refuses to go official with me. His terms are: 1) that I need to meet his parents; and 2) we have our first threesome together. I love him and don’t want to disappoint him, but I am starting to wonder if I even want a threesome. Yes, I am bisexual, but I have never dated a woman, as my parents say I have to keep my sexuality a secret from the family.
I have told him I need a break from everything because I need to see how I feel about things. He’s accepted the break and said he will give me some time.
I am left wondering if I am overthinking. On the one hand, there are many red flags, and my gut instinct keeps telling me to run for the hills. On the other hand, I just keep wanting him back. His ex didn’t want threesomes, and they ended things because she was ready to settle down, and he wasn’t. I already have two kids with a previous relationship that ended because he was abusive to me.
I am scared to walk away from the guy I am dating, but I don’t know how it can work when I don’t feel he loves me the same way as I love him. He said to me he would go official with me if I put the threesome with my best friend back on the table – and that really upset me. That’s all he is thinking about. Why can’t I be enough? I’m constantly questioning my self-worth.
Not Enough
Dear Not Enough,
My heart really went out to you, reading your letter. I can feel your confusion and your attempts to rationalise the transaction he’s put in front of you: if you give him this (a threesome), maybe he’ll give you what you desperately want – love and commitment.
But my darling, your gut is speaking to you for a reason. And I’ve started thinking recently that we should listen to our bodies a lot more. When they talk to us by making us anxious or afraid, or by twisting our stomachs into tight knots, that’s because we don’t feel comfortable with what is happening around us, with what we are doing (or in your case, what is being demanded of you).
What you want is unconditional love – but what you’ve got is a man who puts conditions on the table for you to “earn” that love. And let me tell you straight: what he’s asking for is completely unreasonable.
No, it’s not unreasonable for him to have a “thing” for threesomes – it’s a very common fantasy. There’s a whole Channel 4 documentary series dedicated to it. But it is unreasonable for him to demand one in order for you to “win” a relationship with him in return.
I’d also say it’s pretty damn unreasonable of him to suggest a threesome with your best friend. Blurring boundaries, much? If it had been something you had brought to him after discussing it with her – and he was up for it – then great (though in truth, I’d probably advise against it even in that situation, because reality has a funny way of making things incredibly uncomfortable once we cross certain lines that can’t be uncrossed).
But I would be at least a little comforted by the fact that things were being directed and suggested by you and not him, when it’s your best friend we’re talking about. Your heart. Your relationships.
Instead, what we have is a man who won’t commit, giving you conflicting messages: he wants you to meet his family, but only if you have a threesome with him. What I think he’s really doing is dangling the carrot of commitment in front of you so that you say yes to the latter, because you so desperately want the former – and he knows it.
And it’s not fair. It’s not loving. It’s not kind. If he knows anything about your previous abusive relationship history, he should be doing everything he can to make you feel secure and loved and safe – but he’s doing the exact opposite.
I’ll be blunt: he’s not your boyfriend – and he isn’t respecting you enough to listen to the fact that you clearly aren’t sure you even want a threesome in the first place. He’s entirely focused on his own needs, to the detriment of yours. And I’m sadly quite sure that even if you did “give in” and give him that threesome experience, he wouldn’t commit, anyway. He’d just find a new excuse or demand and move the goalposts even further.
This man isn’t good enough for you, and you are worth so much more than this. Listen to your gut and walk away. I know it’s hard, especially when you have kids, but there are better and infinitely more loving partners out there. You need to close this door to be able to leave room to open another one.
Do you have a problem you would like to raise anonymously with Dear Vix? Issues with love, relationships, family and work? Email dearvix@independent.co.uk
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