My 12-year-old son’s refusing to go to school. It began with him complaining of headaches and stomach aches on Sunday nights, but now it’s evolved into full-blown meltdowns every morning.
When it’s time to leave to get the bus, he’s either locked himself in the bathroom or is in tears, saying he “just can't go”. He won't tell me if something specific has happened – like bullying or trouble with a teacher – he just says he feels "suffocated" there. He did have some trouble with some kids a while ago, but it didn’t seem that bad and also seems to have died down now – or at least, he’s not telling me about it.
I’m constantly receiving emails from school telling me his attendance is falling below “expected levels”, and I’m terrified I’m going to get fined or, worse, that he’s falling so far behind he’ll never catch up. My husband thinks we should be “firmer”, but seeing him so distressed breaks my heart.
And at the same time, I find myself getting exhausted by it – and angry, too. Sometimes, I’m ashamed to say I just end up shouting at him, saying that he “has to go” and that he “has no choice”. Last night, I basically told him to “suck it up” – that we all have things we don’t like doing but we have to do anyway, and that he might as well “get used to it”. I know that doesn’t help, though. I feel so guilty today.
How do I get him back through the school gates without destroying our relationship?
Desperate Mum
Dear Desperate Mum,
As the old adage goes, “you’re only as happy as your least happy child” – and never has there been a truer word, at least in my experience. I can only imagine how hard this is for your son, for you personally and for you as a family.
I’d like you, firstly, to give yourself a break for getting snappy and for inadvertently resorting to “tough love” – studies show that it’s not so much the “rip” that affects our relationship with our kids, but the “repair”. If you’re feeling guilty today about the way you responded to your son, take time out tonight to apologise and to explain that sometimes, his school avoidance makes you worried and distressed, because you don’t know how to help him. You showing humility (and humanity) might even open the gates for him to confide in you about what’s really going on for him.
As for what is really happening, well, I have a hundred possibilities running through my head, and I know you will have made the exact same “checklist” of concerns: from in-person bullying to cyberbullying, to the manosphere (whose conduits intentionally seek to radicalise lonely and disenfranchised teenage boys online), to worrying content on social media.
It may transpire that your son is simply having a hard time dealing with the “regular” hormonal ups and downs of going through puberty; he might be struggling with the school curriculum and be worrying about how he compares to his peers academically; he may have got a bad grade in a test and be suffering from a sudden lack of confidence; he might be finding it hard to make friends or be worrying about how to behave in social situations. He may have a confusing crush on someone; he may have been told off by a teacher; he may have dyslexia or dyscalculia; or he may be so bright that he’s bored.
You could wind yourself up in a million different ways worrying about what’s causing this – but the most important remedy is to help your son feel safe. Once you have validated his fears and his stress response subsides (the tears, the panic), you can identify his triggers and figure out together – as a family – how to get him some help. If that means a very short period of time out of school while he emotionally regulates, so be it – but I’d be nervous about allowing this to go beyond just a couple of days (try to avoid this stretching into weeks).
In that couple of days, however, it’s important to take positive action and I would start by contacting the school and asking for a face-to-face meeting with whoever deals with pastoral care (there’s usually a dedicated member of staff in every high school – in ours, there’s even an on-site counsellor), so you can put in place a collaborative approach.
Sometimes, kids struggle when they have issues around their sexuality or gender orientation that they don’t feel able to talk about, or your son may be neurodivergent – school absence rates are often higher in kids with autism or ADHD, particularly if they also experience pathological demand avoidance (PDA).
I would be tempted to double-prong your approach and get the ball rolling with your local GP, where you can discuss his anxiety around school, his avoidance, and ask for either a referral for ADHD/ASD assessment, or for in-person child counselling.
SEND kids in particular may experience sensory overload from the bright lights in contemporary school settings, the noisy corridors, clanging school bells between lessons and being forced to wear uncomfortable (or scratchy) uniforms. Social anxiety is something we can all identify with, to a degree – but for SEND kids, navigating friendship groups, managing social expectations and coping with bullying or exclusion can be excruciating. One study even shows that ADHD in children has been linked to social isolation. Often, these children resort to “masking” to hide the challenges they experience – this can be exhausting and can often lead to burnout.
I’m not, of course, diagnosing your son, but it might be worth reading up on these different subjects and seeking extra help if it feels like it might “fit”. If it feels appropriate and you have the recommendation of a trained professional, there are many different treatment options for a multitude of mental health conditions, including depression and anxiety, so try not to worry. You are doing the most important thing: showing you love him and getting him some help.
Overall, it’s not so much what is causing your son to seek to avoid going to school, but how you tackle it together as a family. What’s important now is providing the right emotional support system to weather the storm. The fact that you’ve written this letter shows you are worried – and engaged. It’s a massive bonus and should work positively with his recovery, because he’s already got someone interested in walking through this with him.
That’s a massive bonus. So, in the meantime, try to provide a safe space for him to come to you to explore his worries. Listen to him. Tell him you understand how scary that must be – but remind him that he has options. That you are going to get him the right support.
As parents, talk to the school (they may be able to offer him a phased return) and trust that they will have dealt with this situation many, many times, and will have options you may not even have considered.
Work together. Stay hopeful. Parenting is the hardest job in the world – so give yourself a massive clap on the back for caring so much to begin with.
Do you have a problem you would like to raise anonymously with Dear Vix? Issues with love, relationships, family and work? Email dearvix@independent.co.uk
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