Dear Vix,
I’m obsessed with ‘Married at First Sight’ Australia, but the episode I watched recently – in season 12 – has really affected me.
It was the one featuring one of the show’s strongest couples, Carina and Paul, who I’d previously seen as the perfect model of a new relationship: strong, committed, with clear sexual chemistry and constant affirmation and validation of each other.
But now their whole future has been thrown into question, because Paul got jealous and punched a hole through a door, after he heard Carina talking about how she’d slept with a famous rapper.
The show experts have taken it extremely seriously – they told him it was “unacceptable behaviour” and seemed to be comparing it to domestic violence. They even threatened to kick him off the show.
My question is: is this domestic abuse? Because if it is, then I am a victim in my current relationship. My partner smashes plates, punches walls, and he once even hurt himself because he was so worked up about something.
I have never, ever thought of it as being abusive, because I have never been attacked – but it’s true that it frightens me and makes me cry. In those moments (which are rare), he screams at me for crying and says I am only making it (him) worse. So now I just shut up, for fear of making him even more angry.
There was only one time that he physically grabbed me, but he didn’t mean to hurt me – and I mean it, I’m not just making light of a bad situation or giving him any excuses. I just got in the way of his rage. It was my fault; I should’ve known by then that when he’s upset, he needs to be alone to calm down.
But I don’t see this as domestic violence. Sure, the neighbour once called the police because he was shouting so loudly and banging stuff around, but it was a misunderstanding – none of that was directed at me.
My question is: if I don’t feel like a victim, then am I one? I don’t see it as something that relates to me at all. But ‘MAFS’ Australia got me thinking...
Confused
Dear Confused,
I want to be very gentle with you, because I think you could do with someone being kind and soft and gentle, for a change. But I also need to be firm when I say that yes, the behaviours you describe are abusive.
According to this checklist from the charity Women’s Aid, which gathers these kind of behaviours under the heading of “Threats”: making angry gestures; using physical size to intimidate; shouting you down; destroying your possessions; breaking things; punching walls; wielding a knife or a gun; threatening to kill or harm you and the children; threatening to kill or harm family pets and threats of suicide are all signs of domestic abuse.
There are numerous other signs of domestic violence – and tips on how to recognise them, such as destructive criticism and verbal abuse, disrespect, breaking your trust, denial, harassment, isolation and physical and/or sexual violence.
The charity also has a handy page you can visit, titled “I’m not sure if my relationship is healthy” – the advice that stands out starkly to me is that if something doesn’t feel right, then it usually isn’t.
That’s what I am reminded of when I read your letter.
I hear you defending your partner, because you care about him – this is normal. But when I read between the lines, I also see you attempting, desperately, to excuse or justify his anger. You want to make it small – and I get it. But I actually found and watched the episode of MAFS Australia you mentioned, to see if it was open to interpretation... and I didn’t think it was. At all.
What I saw was a man who was out of control – the reasons “why” don’t interest me. Justifying aggression as a response to Carina’s past is only victim-blaming (and shaming). What matters is that he was – however temporarily – unable to regulate his emotions. And what came out was violence.
It also, to me, doesn’t make much of a difference that Carina (in the show’s case) or you (in yours) haven’t been direct victims of this violence. I’m thankful you haven’t been hit – yet.
But a man who is unable to control himself – and who resorts to demonstratively aggressive behaviours when enraged or upset – is unpredictable. And this unpredictability puts you in danger.
Do you remember the meme that was going around online in May last year? Asking women whether they’d feel safer being trapped in a room with a man or a bear?
Many women said bears – and I can see why. Perhaps, if you re-read your letter with compassion for the frightened woman who wrote it, you will too.
Get away. Or, at the very least, get help from a professional. Don’t leave it until you have been hit to take the next step.
The national domestic abuse helpline offers support for women on 0808 2000 247, or you can visit the Refuge website. There is a dedicated men’s advice line on 0808 8010 327.
The Independent’s agony aunt Victoria Richards is here to help. Email dearvix@independent.co.uk for advice on love, work, family and relationships
