Dear Vix,
A close friend of mine was dating someone for a few months – nothing big, nothing serious – and then he ended it, because he didn’t feel they were compatible, long term. They’re very different: she’s an introvert, he’s extroverted. She likes quiet nights in, he likes going out clubbing. I can see how he came to that conclusion.
My friend didn’t seem that upset about it – she said, too, that she didn’t think they had a future together; that it was just a short-term, fun fling. She’s already dating someone else she appears much more comfortable with. She seems happy.
The problem is: the first time I met her ex, I was super attracted to him – and we were so compatible! I couldn’t believe she had met someone so suited (to me) and I’ll admit I was pretty envious. But, given he was dating my friend, I put him out of my mind... until a few weeks ago.
We ran into each other at an event and the spark was definitely there – nothing happened, but now I feel so guilty. He asked for my number and yes, I confess: I gave it to him. Since then, we’ve been talking a lot and he’s asked if I want to meet up – but I keep hesitating and putting off answering, because I don’t know what to do.
Is it ever OK to date your friend’s ex-boyfriend, even if it “wasn’t that deep”? I know you’ll probably say to talk to her about it, but people are weird about things like this. I don’t want to risk jeopardising our friendship.
Scared Of Missing Out On A Good Thing
Dear Scared,
I understand why you’re feeling so nervous about this awkward situation. You clearly care a lot about your friend and are putting her first – rightly so, as I’d always remind people that nine times out of ten, friendship lasts a hell of a lot longer than a romantic relationship (with the exception of meeting the love of your life, of course).
In fact, I often muse on the fact that, particularly for women, our friends can be our most romantic entanglements. Who else is there to support you when you’re sad or unwell, who would drop everything to check in on you when you’re heartbroken, who would (quite literally, in my friend Dayna’s case) drive round every morning to leave a coffee and a croissant on your doorstep when you’re going through something difficult? With very rare, very few exceptions, I’d maintain a hard line of: keep the friend, forget the man. And yet.
In your situation, things aren’t quite so clear-cut. The reason I say this is because on the surface, at least, your friend does not seem particularly heartbroken by her break-up – the way you tell it, things didn’t really get below surface-level between them. It’s entirely plausible that she might turn around and tell you to “fill your boots and have fun” with him.
But here’s the thing: you don’t know how she feels about it, because you haven’t asked her. And as a result, you’re making a lot of assumptions (and, likely, overthinking or overreacting, based on your own anxiety around losing a friend). Talk to her. Bring up the guy you like, say: “Hey, here’s something funny. I ran into XX recently – and he asked for my number!”
See how she reacts. See how crushed (or not) she is. I think you’ll soon be able to tell whether she’s bothered; she might even revel in the potential for romance for you – especially if she’s already moved on and is happy with someone else. If you need to be clearer than that, for your own peace of mind, you can add this on: “How would you feel if I met up with him?” – and then take her at her word.
Even if she says she doesn’t like the idea, you still have a choice. She is your friend, yes, but dating is hard. It can be difficult, veering on savage, to find someone you feel that elusive “spark” with and who you think might be matched or suited to you, long term.
You can choose to tough it out, to point out to her that she’s moved on – that they weren’t compatible anyway; that she said that, right from the beginning. Whatever possessiveness or jealousy or simple, human feelings of being “put out” because it feels like he is choosing someone else, chances are, if she wasn’t in love with him (which it sounds like she wasn’t), she’ll get over it. You might just have to give her a bit of time to lick her wounds, but she’ll come round.
I’m willing to bet your friendship also means more to her than any man.
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