Dear Vix,
I’m feeling worn down and harassed by the person I love most in the world – my teenage son. Every day, he wants something – and if he doesn’t get his own way, he makes my life hell.
In the past few weeks, he’s:
These examples might sound silly and “everyday”, but they’re really getting me down. I feel stressed and anxious all the time. It’s got to the point where yesterday, I was dreading him coming home from school because I couldn’t face another argument over doing his homework.
The weird thing is that he’s not a monster empathy. In many ways, he’s extraordinarily intuitive for his age – but I sometimes wonder if that means he also knows exactly how to press my buttons.
He’s not rude to me at any other time, but as soon as he gets an idea into his head, he is relentless. I’m feeling absolutely shattered by it. What do I do?
Tired Mother
Dear Tired Mother,
Oh, I hear you. I hear you hard. I, too, am a mother of a teenager – not only that, I remember being one. I was awful! Do you remember your teenage years? I once threw a metal remote control at my dad and let rip with an insult I’d read in a book and memorised and saved up until I wanted to be particularly cutting. Even now, some 30 years later, I cringe when I remember how hurtful that must have been – not to mention downright rude.
Your teenager might be doing a great impression of Veruca Salt in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory – and this isn’t to excuse his behaviour... but a lot of that is, well, being a teenager. It is quite literally part of his process of development. Puberty triggers significant hormonal shifts that can affect teenage moods – and the brain's emotional centre also develops faster than the prefrontal cortex, which handles impulse control and reasoning.
Teenagers, as we know, also have an incredibly complicated social gauntlet to run and to navigate – both on and offline, which is one thing we can all be grateful we didn’t have to deal with in the 1990s. I have no idea how I would have handled Snapchat and TikTok and WhatsApp bullying while also navigating complex social dynamics, worrying about my teenage acne, dealing with everyday school issues like exams, revision, friendships, crushes, part-time jobs – and sleep.
On the latter, how much sleep is your son getting, on average, every night? I actually googled the recommended sleep time for teenagers this morning, after a particularly robust conversation with my daughter: it told me that teenagers need more rest than young children or adults; to the tune of eight to 10 hours every night.
One interesting recent study showed a fascinating link between sleep and empathy. A bad night’s sleep can not only make us less empathetic and more likely to focus on negatives, according to a leading neuroscientist, but more likely to make bad decisions.
Russell Foster, a professor of circadian neuroscience at the University of Oxford and the director of the Sleep and Circadian Neuroscience Institute, also said that “impulsivity is another thing that goes when you’re tired”, so trouble with sleeping might lead to you “making stupid, unreflective” decisions. Sounds pretty teenaged, to me.
I don’t mean to invalidate your experience – I’ll be honest, it sounds like you’re getting a particularly raw end of the deal. I wonder if you parent alone or with someone else, who could perhaps take over some of the boundary-setting and backlash for you?
If not, then firstly, give yourself a pat on the back for continuing to mother – and worry – in such a loving and consistent way. If you didn’t care, you wouldn’t be stressed about it and you wouldn’t be writing in. For this, your child is extremely fortunate.
I have some questions about your son’s emotional regulation – which, while it is also a very normal part of being a teenager, could show some early signs of neurodivergence, like ADHD. It’s nothing you have to worry about (I’m raising two neurodivergent kids), but it might be something to read up on or to speak to your GP about, so you have some increased understanding and feel more equipped to deal with the times he loses control (like throwing furniture around).
I am concerned about your stress levels and anxiety. I think it would be beneficial to spend some time out of the house doing an activity that allows you to release some of this built-up cortisol: could you join a running group, go to the gym, try CrossFit or boxing? You could do yoga, pilates or even find a dance class.
It might also be worth looking for some tips on how to set healthy, clear boundaries with more challenging or emotional kids. Sometimes, local councils offer behaviour management and parenting classes – this can often be accessed through your local school. There are resources available online via groups such as Relate, offering tips on how to create firm boundaries or rules – and how to avoid battles.
But above all, give yourself a pat on the back, even though you might not be able to lift your arm because you’re so exhausted. You care, you’re creating a safe home in which he clearly feels able to express his – shall we say, more dramatic – emotions, and this too shall pass. Eventually. It did with me.
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