Dear Vix,
I’m freaking out – because I just found out my girlfriend is on OnlyFans.
One of my mates found her account and told me about it in the pub. I’ve never felt so embarrassed. He didn’t say he’d seen anything particularly sordid – apparently it’s all quite tame – but that’s not the point. The point is that she’s on there at all!
We haven’t been together very long – just a couple of months – but I can’t believe she didn’t confess to being on there. What happened to honesty?
I’ve told her that her being on OnlyFans is breaking my boundaries – that I have every right to demand she comes off it, or I’ll leave her. I can’t handle her being on there. Let’s face it – nobody wants their partner selling themselves online. It only cheapens anything we do together in private.
And what would my friends and family say if they found out?
Shocked and Disgusted
Dear Shocked and Disgusted,
I’m going to be quite blunt here. While I empathise with your pain and shock – and there’s a betrayal element here, too, because she didn’t tell you herself (though I would ask whether she has to tell you after just a few months) – I really don’t think it’s your choice as to whether or not she decides to quit OnlyFans.
And I’m going to add a moniker to your sign-off that I don’t think you’ll like: Shocked, Disgusted – and Shaming.
Your language about your girlfriend comes across as very shaming, to me (particularly the word “confess”). Did you know that, according to experts, the number one killer in a relationship is contempt? I sense a lot of contempt coming from you – and a lot of judgement.
Your partner is an independent woman who has every right to decide what she does with her body – and how she makes her money.
Plenty of high-profile women have spoken out recently to share their decisions to use the platform as a way to keep control over their finances. Many women, celebrities or not, have talked openly about the fact that they’ve spent most of their lives feeling like commodities for men – their bodies so often looked at, dissected and touched – without permission – that they resort to thinking, “f*** it – I’ll do it myself”.
And I understand that. Don’t you?
Last year, Lily Allen joined OnlyFans to share pictures of her feet, captioning her profile with the phrase: “Just dipping my toes in”. She’s said it earns her more than having her music on Spotify.
Kate Nash also joined the platform to sell pictures of her bum, saying her decision to join OnlyFans was about “agency” and to raise awareness of the dire situation many artists face: rising costs of travel, accommodation, food, promotion and crew.
And while you’re entitled to feel your feelings about your girlfriend, you aren’t entitled to demand she leave the platform just because you don’t like it. If it’s a dealbreaker for you, then you might have to walk away.
While we’re on the subject of “dealbreakers”, I just want to point out something I’ve noticed for a while: the number of people who tell their partners what they want them to do (or not do) – and wrongly call it “boundaries”.
It’s not a “boundary” for your girlfriend to quit OnlyFans. Boundaries are for you. They’re not for other people. You can’t place a dealbreaker on someone else and call it a “boundary” – because it’s not a boundary, it’s a rule.
And you can’t control other people – you can only control your responses to other people.
As for what your friends and family would say – well, aren’t you an adult? Do you always listen to the opinions of others? Do their prejudices dictate how you live your life?
If I were your girlfriend, I would want to hear how you feel about this – and I would seek to reassure you – but I wouldn’t be very cool with your condemnation. Or your judgement, or your family’s judgement. It would probably make me want to run a mile, to be honest.
What I would advise is that you think hard about why it bothers you so much. It’s OK that it bothers you, but only you can work out how much – and really unpick why. What does it tell you about your opinions of women?
And do you think you can stay in the relationship if she decides she wants to stay on the platform?
But you can’t work out any of this until you talk about it with her. So I’d start there.
The Independent’s agony aunt Victoria Richards is here to help. Email dearvix@independent.co.uk for advice on love, work, family and relationships
