Dear Vix,
I’m feeling incredibly anxious and stressed about Christmas – and there are still two weeks to go! The reason I’m worried is because I have to spend it with my family – my mum, dad and sisters (plus our partners and children) – and we just don’t get on. We never have.
For one thing, my family are completely different to me. We have completely different political outlooks – they call me “woke” and I find their constant “casual” racism offensive and outdated. They say they’re just “jokes” and accuse me of being a “snowflake” and of not having a sense of humour, but I just don’t find it funny to punch down.
I’m dreading the kind of conversations that are bound to come up around the Christmas dinner table: about them being pro-Trump and pro-Israel and the war in Gaza, not to mention the migrant crisis. I’m pretty sure they support Reform UK and think Nigel Farage is some great saviour of the right.
It’s more than disappointing – I find it deeply depressing, to be honest. It makes me despair that I’m even related to people with narrow-minded views like that. I’m really not looking forward to spending time with them. How do I get through it without wanting to throw my plate?
Dreading It
Dear Dreading It,
I sympathise – there’s really nothing worse than having to tolerate prejudice wrapped up in the disguise of a “joke”. I hate it too. The thing about jokes – and you find this in a lot of stand-up comedy – is that there’s a fine line between being funny and punching down. And it’s the latter I (and you) have a problem with.
So, how to handle it? It depends on your feelings around conflict. Lots of people like to have a “no politics at the dinner table” rule because it avoids awkward moments – but if it does come up, what then? If it’s a bad taste joke that’s punching down on, say, women or Palestinians or migrants, I would simply respond with: “Sorry, can you explain what’s funny about that? I don’t get it.” That should force the person to really think about what they’ve said.
I strongly believe that we can’t let hateful comments go unchallenged. “The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing,” as the saying goes (though nobody is sure who said it to begin with – it is often wrongly attributed to the 18th-century Irish philosopher Edmund Burke).
If someone says something overtly racist, sexist, homophobic or transphobic, I believe it is our duty not to let it pass without comment. If we let it slide, we risk seeming like it’s acceptable – or that we agree with it.
Plus, I’m always hopeful that when we express a counter view, the person might actually learn something. After all, if your family only consume right-wing views online or from certain broadcasters, then it’s possible they aren’t being exposed to a more liberal perspective.
If they’re trotting out dubious facts about asylum seekers and regurgitating fake news, you’ll be there to tell them the truth. So, go prepared. Suggest sites they might like to look at if they’re interested in the topic of immigration. Try and stay calm (ignore any flagrant attempts to get a “liberal rise” out of you), debunk any inflammatory or exaggerated language around “numbers” and pay attention to insults. Point out that it’s unhelpful and offensive to use slurs.
There are some other, easier ways to limit things getting out of control and heated: don’t drink too much and remember you have the right to walk away or to take a breather when things get overwhelming. Know your limits: choose the time you want to leave once Christmas dinner, presents and games are over. Put boundaries in place and stick to them without guilt.
Importantly, take heart from the fact that, as far as I’m concerned (though I’m well aware that many of the people who like to troll and lurk in the comments section will say differently... don’t worry, we see you!), you are on the right side of history. You might even change your family’s minds. And if it’s really painful, then at least you only have to see them for one full day of the year. This too shall pass.
Do you have a problem you would like to raise anonymously with Dear Vix? Issues with love, relationships, family and work? Email dearvix@independent.co.uk
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