I keep meeting people I like on dating apps or in real life, asking them out – and we get there. We go out. I’m not bad looking, if I do say so myself. I also like to think I am kind and considerate. I should be a catch – but here’s the (actual) catch: I keep being friendzoned.
I don’t know what happens, but as soon as I’m spending time with someone on a first or second date (and it is a date, I make sure it’s definitely a date – I even send a message to say, “Looking forward to our date!”) and I start asking questions, my date start ssharing details about her lives, her exes,breakups... and before I know it, it’s like I’m a therapist, or something.
After that, it’s a one-way street to being firmly in the friendzone. No kissing, no progression – just “you’re so lovely!” and a hug. Don’t get me wrong: I love making new friends, but I’m not on these dating apps to make friends. I want a girlfriend.
What am I doing wrong?
Single Guy
Dear Single,
Firstly, you’re not doing anything wrong. You’re an absolute catch: good-looking, considerate, able to talk about things that matter, interested – and intentional. You wouldn’t believe how many men fumble the ball when it comes to dating, simply by not knowing what they want (or if they want anything at all). You see the status of “not sure” when it comes to “what you’re looking for” on a dating app and your heart sinks.
One of the most common questions I receive is from people in long-term relationship, bemoaning the fact that the “spark” (that elusive spark) has gone out of a relationship. Most often, that’s because they have become so open and transparent to each other – they might as well be completely invisible.
One of my favourite psychotherapists, Esther Perel, has this to say about intimacy and long-term relationships: “Love enjoys knowing everything about you; desire needs mystery.” I think that’s fascinating – and too often overlooked. It’s also true.
When we are completely comfortable in a long-term, romantic relationship, we can sometimes forget the things that made us alluring and erotic, sexy and mysterious, to our partners at the beginning. When you first enter a relationship, you preen a bit. You probably wouldn’t (forgive me) poo with the bathroom door open, or while your partner is in the bath, or call in your other half for a conversation from the toilet. So, why do we do that when we’re married or in a secure and committed relationship?
I know that’s not the conundrum you’re facing, but I think it has a valuable lesson for you, too. I wonder if you are entering a new dynamic – a date – and revealing just a little too much. In asking about someone’s exes, breakups and past relationships on a first meeting, you’re increasing intimacy, sure – but you’re also asking them to think consciously about (and focus on) relationships that are in the past. Stuff (and people) who aren’t present. In asking about them, you bring them to life – it is like a haunting.
Here’s what I would recommend: the next time you go on a date, try asking them only about them. The person in front of you. Their likes, their interests, their experiences, sure – but as an individual. Not what they’ve done (or not done) as part of a couple at any time in the past. Find out about what they like in terms of music, art, TV, film; what they’ve read and enjoyed recently, any trips they’ve taken that have inspired them or made them return, again and again and again.
Try separating someone from their past and ask what makes them glad to be alive – today. What are their ambitions, their hopes, their dreams?
I have a feeling if you ask those kinds of questions (and answer them yourself) you’ll come away feeling just as intimate, just as close – but mysterious, giddy and alluring, too.
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