Dear Vix,
I’m dating someone lovely – he’s kind, sweet, thoughtful and generous. He doesn’t push me or demand anything of me and he hasn’t rushed me into sex.
Part of the reason he’s been so careful around physical stuff is because he knows I was in a very damaging and abusive relationship before I met him. I won’t go into details, but it was really, really traumatic – suffice to say I still have flashbacks and have been working through it for years with a therapist.
The upshot, however, is that I barely feel any sexual desire at all. For anyone. Not even my boyfriend. And it’s nothing to do with not being attracted to him (at least, I don’t think it is) – I just seem to have switched off feeling physically affected by anyone.
My question is, is it possible that I’m asexual – and have only just found that out?
Numb Girl
Dear Numb Girl,
I am not qualified to advise you about being asexual, but what I will do is validate all you’ve been through in your past – and congratulate you for being where you are now. You’re still here. You’re thriving. You’re giving and receiving love and in a relationship with someone who sounds like he is willing to take things as slowly and gently as you might need.
This is no mean feat. When we’ve been in abusive relationships, it can be hard to trust anyone again – not least romantic partners. I understand how difficult it must also be to allow yourself to be intimate.
What is crucial is that you don’t rush anything you don’t feel ready for. If your partner is as understanding as he sounds, he won’t rush you, either – the most important thing is that you continue to communicate how you are feeling.
What I can tell you about asexuality (meaning someone who experiences lower levels of sexual desire or attraction than other people) is that it is likely you would have noticed these feelings prior to your last few relationships.
You may have grown up feeling a little different to your peers – noticing, perhaps, that you didn’t feel an overwhelming internal desire for sexual connection or to perform sexually in a relationship. You may also have heard terms such as demisexual or gray asexual (and it would be interesting for you to research these terms to see if you relate).
Some people who are asexual may have experienced sexual trauma, others won’t have – but as far as I have been told by asexual people, feelings of asexuality are usually strongly internal. It is a distinct sexual orientation. And feelings of asexuality don’t usually ‘come on’ as a result of trauma, though it can be confusing, sometimes, to work that out. Most asexual people say they eventually realise they have been asexual their entire lives.
I wonder if the lack of desire you are feeling is actually a very normal response to an abusive relationship that has left you feeling sexually traumatised. This, in itself, wouldn’t usually be considered asexuality, though there are (on the surface, at least) some similarities.
At this point, though, I have to hold my hands up and declare that I don’t have all the information you are looking for. I understand trauma and abusive relationships, but I haven’t the lived experience of being asexual and would hate to speak out of turn.
If you want to find out more about it to see if you identify, I would strongly suggest you contact The Trevor Project, for further information on the ace spectrum. The Rainbow Project also has some information and testimonials on being asexual.
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