Dear Vix,
I’m sitting here looking at a phone that hasn’t pinged or buzzed in six hours and feeling depressed, and I finally have to admit it: I am starving on a diet of “hey stranger” texts and “maybe next week” promises from the man I’ve been “dating” (though it doesn’t feel like it!). It’s the same loop every time. I meet someone, the chemistry is electric – and for a few weeks, I’m the centre of their universe. Then, the inevitable shift happens.
The daily paragraphs turn into one-word check-ins. The weekend plans turn into, “let’s play it by ear.” I spend my evenings deciphering emojis like they’re ancient hieroglyphics, trying to find proof that he still cares. I’m tired of being “low maintenance” while my anxiety is through the roof. I’m 37 – and a grown woman with a career and a mortgage, yet I’m letting men half as put-together as I am treat my time like a limited-time offer they aren’t sure they want to buy.
I’m so fed up with waiting for a “good morning” text to decide if I’m going to have a good day. I’m so tired of talking about my needs and having them ignored. But no matter how much I know that “if it isn’t a clear yes, it’s a no” – and no matter how much the people who love me tell me I deserve someone who is as excited to be with me as I am to be with them – I keep falling into the same trap and getting breadcrumbed. It’s making me feel bitter and jaded and sad, and I just can’t see how I’m ever going to find true love. In my worst moments, it makes me feel like I’m the problem – not these men. How do I stop this cycle from constantly repeating itself?
The Whole Loaf
Dear Whole Loaf,
Why, of course you are the whole loaf – you are a tender, appetising, tantalising, mouthwatering, perfect and exquisite example of everything bread should be! It’s the days-old dry and dusty breadcrumbs that are the problem here, and the stuffy, stale kitchen they come from.
Which is all to say: I don’t believe there is anything “wrong” with you at all. I don’t believe you are the problem. But I do think there is a problem with the kind of love you are willing – and prepared – to receive.
Because it’s not enough, it really isn’t. I know that it’s tongue-in-cheek to hook your letter around the fact that he hasn’t messaged you in six hours (in itself, not that big a deal as people have busy lives!) – but when taken as part of a bigger picture of neglect and lack of effort, it’s a massive deal. Huge. And I can hear how much it is affecting you.
The scant, bland texts and half-baked plans and huge gaps in communication you’re describing are not even worth half a relationship – particularly when we are in our thirties, forties and fifties. These kind of comms are woefully inadequate and inconsistent; they are lacklustre and lukewarm and devoid of feeling or commitment... and the only question you really need to ask yourself when you’re agonising over whether he’ll “come good in the end” (as we all do, when in situationships with flaky people like this – it’s the hope that kills you!) is this: do you feel good now?
Do you feel lifted, held, lit up? Do you feel giddy and fulfilled? Do you feel seen? And I don’t just mean on the rare and sporadic dates, when it’s probably exciting and sexy and (intentionally) brief: I mean in the in-between times. The quiet times. The times when you aren’t out being busy and living your wonderful wild life, but are at home thinking about the man you are supposed to be romantically involved with. The times that you’re not seeing him, not hearing from him; the times you are acutely aware that your phone hasn’t “pinged” in six hours. At those times, can you place your hand on your heart and say that being attached to this man – with all of his inconsistencies, broken promises, lack of enthusiasm and crap communication – is making you feel happy?
Thought not. The issue with people who “breadcrumb” is that it’s all a facade: they often start out acting like they want all the things you want – that spark of chemistry, great communication, solid commitment (and the most crucial aspect of all when it comes to dating: time). But, inevitably, the veil falls away after a few short weeks and the truth comes out: because it’s all words and bluster. There’s no weight to it. They don’t really mean it – the “why” doesn’t matter (but believe me, it’s got nothing to do with you).
You say you would really like to break this cycle, so here’s what I’d like you to do now: I’d like you to flip the way you frame those horrible feelings of rejection from a “you” problem to a “them” problem. You are enough – more than enough – but they are not (not ready, not capable, not emotionally intelligent, or simply not enough for you). So, embark on a love affair with yourself, first. As fully and as desperately as possible. And if you really believe you’re worth only a few stale crumbs from some average man, then I’d like you to consider going for some gentle therapy sessions to work on building up your self-worth and self-esteem.
There are also some other practical ways you can stop this cycle, if it keeps on happening to you, but it relies on spotting the red flags before you’re emotionally invested – and then (crucially) acting on them, rather than ignoring them or seeing them as an enticing challenge!
They’re easy to spot: the hallmark of a breadcrumber is that their words and actions don’t align. They’ll say they like you and want a relationship with you, but then they’ll drop off the face of the earth for days. You’ll raise a problem and they’ll acknowledge it, but won’t make any effort to change their behaviour. And their communication is always inconsistent – in fact, intentionally so. It’s a process called “intermittent reinforcement” (also known as being “hot and cold”) and is a tried-and-tested way of keeping you anxious and craving their attention (eg, you have a great third date, but then they go radio silent for three days). It’s a toxic pattern of control in a relationship used by emotionally immature people.
But rather than letting these kinds of breadcrumbers push your boundaries until they work out exactly what they can get away with, you need to reaffirm your own standards – and be prepared to uphold them. If you think of yourself as someone strong and fiery and independent, then allowing some idiot to treat you like a lazy or second-choice option is doing you a dramatic disservice. So don’t let them. I’d be tempted to operate a three-strikes-and-you’re-out rule, to keep your boundaries firm and your dignity and self-respect intact. Unfortunately, in your case, it sounds like he’s had enough strikes already, and he should be well out of the door by now. So, why are you still here?
Are you hoping his love will mean more or have higher value because it’s difficult to obtain? Is that what “love” is or should be? Does love have greater worth if someone makes you work for it like you’re squeezing blood from a stone? Should love really be something you have to entrap and assail, to wrench from someone who’s clearly reluctant to give it? Should it be something you have to approach like an assault course, to be winched and bamboozled and threatened?
Because when I write that, it doesn’t feel very healthy, I’ll be honest – or very romantic. And it certainly isn’t something to moon over. In my opinion now, in my mid-forties, love is all the more meaningful when someone gives it freely and voluntarily. It’s all the more special because someone wants to give it to you, because they can’t not. Where I stand now, I want all the love: douse me in it, water me with it! Love shouldn’t be a game or a trick or double-bluffed. I want to be loved like I love my kids: openly, liberally, affectionally, hilariously, giddily and profusely.
So, by all means have a frank conversation with this guy about what you need to change, but be wary of platitudes, particularly if you’ve been here before. When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.
Going forward, you might meet someone new and be worried about this happening again, so try to keep in mind a checklist of behaviours and the way they make you feel inside. The biggest way to tell you’re being breadcrumbed? Check in with yourself. If you’re feeling anxious and obsessive and are constantly checking your phone or over-analysing their last text – or if you feel like you’re always on eggshells – that’s your gut recognising the lack of safety before your head does.
Green flags in dating go like this: you should be feeling calm and excited after seeing them; you should be hearing from them regularly and consistently, they should be making plans with you and asking you on dates, they text when they say they will – and you’re not left playing guessing games or having to “decode” their texts with your friends. Emotional consistency is the ultimate antidote to anxiety. And you deserve it.
Do you have a problem you would like to raise anonymously with Dear Vix? Issues with love, relationships, family and work? Email dearvix@independent.co.uk
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