Dear Vix,
I honestly feel like I am losing it. It might sound like a small, silly issue, but my bedroom is a complete tip and I just can’t keep on top of it.
I sometimes get seized with a positive sort of tornado whirlwind energy, where I feel ready to completely tear up the place and throw all the miscellaneous crap I’ve collected over the years away, but halfway through, I lose interest – and then everything I’ve pulled out of the cupboards and wardrobe stays right there on the floor.
Once it’s there, I can’t seem to muster up the enthusiasm to sort it out. I just ignore it and then more stuff falls and more clothes pile up and I just start frantically kicking things under the bed to clear a path to the door or to the bed and it becomes an unmanageable nightmare!
It gets worse when I’m anxious, because then everything around me – as well as inside me – feels out of control. I hate this feeling. It’s like having wasps under my skin.
My parents just say I’m “lazy” and “messy” and are constantly nagging me about it – so now I lock the door and take the key with me when I leave the house so they can’t get in and have a go at me about it. I find it really upsetting to be talked about like I’m some kind of slob, but I also know they’re right – it’s got to the point where I have piles of rubbish – food, plates, old coffee mugs – collecting inside my bedroom and it smells. I know it isn’t hygienic and could even make me ill.
There must be something wrong with me – because I don’t like living like this, I hate it. But I just don’t seem to be able to sort it out. It’s like I have some sort of blocker stopping me. But I don’t want to tell anyone outside of my family, either – it’s far too embarrassing.
Do I just need to set fire to it all? Or do a Marie Kondo and chuck absolutely everything I own away and start again? Am I a hoarder – or a lost cause?
Unhappy Cyclone
Dear Unhappy Cyclone,
This sounds really frustrating. I think we can all empathise, to some extent, with having a mountain of unfinished tasks that become so overwhelming that they begin to feel paralysing.
Interestingly, the task paralysis (and the messy bedroom) you describe can be a big part of ADHD, as it relates to issues with executive dysfunction – have you ever thought about exploring that as an option in case it feels relevant to you?
We hear a lot about hoarding and mental health – the word “hoarder” is often used for anyone who has a penchant for collecting stuff: books, clothes, figurines.
Some people say that it’s all to do with overconsumption; that we’re all at risk of becoming “middle class hoarders” due to the influx of fast fashion – because of the cheap, imported clothes we buy, even when our wardrobes are already full to bursting.
But there are more extreme cases, where people start to isolate themselves within their homes – or find it hard to keep their environment clean, safe and hygienic. Sometimes, people’s homes can become a fire risk because of piles of old newspapers, magazines or cardboard.
Hoarding can sometimes present as part of a distinct psychological disorder, or as an underlying symptom of OCD, anxiety or depression.
I would strongly urge you to go to your GP to describe the problems you’ve been having and to ask for help. Please try and remind yourself that there’s no shame in it. Cognitive behavioral therapy is a widely recognised treatment for hoarding disorder – your GP can refer you to a professional. And you don’t have to tell anyone else – your GP certainly won’t. If you’re worried about feeling ashamed, rest assured that this will stay private.
We can muddle along uncomfortable in our own lives for a long time, but when it reaches breaking point – or you do – it’s always time to act.
And you’ve already passed the first hurdle, which is self-awareness. You describe the experience so eloquently, from “wasps under your skin” to realising that the mess gets worse when you are anxious. You’ve identified some key elements about what triggers you and what helps you feel calm.
These are all positives to take away from this place of suffering. It will also help enormously in creating a plan on how to tackle this.
And if you want something to try at home in the meantime, with zero pressure, (crucially): start small. If you start with clearing just a small square of floor space, then that’s something to celebrate. It will only feel even more overwhelming if you decide you must tidy “everything” away in one go. The chances of you breaking off halfway through and despairing are far higher if you set yourself unrealistic goals, so don’t put that undue pressure on yourself.
Even not doing might be something that you can try – simply not adding to the mess for a week. Aim instead to put away every new item that you take out at the end of a day – don’t worry about touching the mess that’s already there, but focus on the mindset of putting away a thing at a time. Celebrate your wins.
But do get help. You don’t have to do this alone.
The Independent’s agony aunt Victoria Richards is here to help. Email dearvix@independent.co.uk for advice on love, work, family and relationships
