Dear Vix
I officially broke up with my ex (of ten years) three years ago and he’s still breaking my heart every single day – but not because I still want to be together. In fact, I was the one who ended it!
We still see each other all the time. We share custody of our beloved dog, Geoff, and we hand him over on a weekly basis. My ex comes to pick him up on Saturday, I go to collect him the week after. We’ve been doing this happily for the past two years. Usually, we have a nice chat on the doorstep and sometimes even a cup of tea. I always have a rough idea of how he is and what he’s been doing.
But something has changed. Dramatically.
Now, when I message my ex during the week to check how Geoff is doing – whether he’s eating his food and whether his diabetes is playing up – he replies with one word answers and full-stops: “Fine.” “OK.” “No.” He’s taken to dropping Geoff off on the doorstep and barely looks me in the eye when I ask how his week has been.
When we broke up, we vowed we would stay friends and would always care for (and about) each other. I have no idea why that’s changed – but it feels like renewed grief and heartbreak, all over again. I just hate the way he treats me. It makes me feel like nothing – like all the years together meant nothing. Why is he so dismissive? How can I get him to care how I am? And why am I so bothered by this?
Grieving, still
Dear Grieving,
I’ll tell you why you’re so bothered by this – because you still love your ex. But that doesn’t mean you’re still in love with him. It means you care about him – perfectly natural, when you consider you spent a decade of your lives together.
Some people won’t agree, but I think it’s quite beautiful (and rare) that you care how he is and want to know what’s going on in his life. That you want to still be in his life. I think it’s pretty special that you’re so committed to being civil – that there’s no acrimony, that you don’t hate him, that you’re not doing an awkward dance on the doorstep around each other like so many couples who turn love into hate and bitterness, just because they can’t admit they’re hurting.
I don’t know what has happened in your ex’s life to make him change the way he acts towards you. It makes me wonder if anything changed in yours: could your ex be reacting differently to someone new on the scene – not for him, but for you? Could he be finding a change in your life circumstances difficult; or struggling to reconcile you fully moving on?
Either way, it doesn’t sound like the way he is acting has anything to do with you – and there are a multitude of reasons that could be responsible for him going quiet. It could be something completely disconnected from the two of you (trouble at work, or at home, or illness, or anxiety).
We tend to live in a bit of a bubble where we look outwards and place ourselves at the centre of the story for ourselves and for everyone who comes into orbit with us. That’s why we automatically assume that when someone is grumpy or moody or bites our head off, it’s something we’ve done wrong... but most of the time, that simply isn’t the case. Most people react, in fact, because of what is going on internally for them – and it’s got nothing to do with us. We can’t quite come to terms with it – but we’re not actually that important.
And if your ex’s behaviour is connected to you, then it could – bizarrely – come from a place of love. This could be part of his own grieving process and a re-establishment of his personal boundaries. Perhaps he had a moment of realisation that he wasn’t quite distanced enough from you to shut that chapter of his life and get over you. Perhaps this is what he needs – for closure.
Of course, it could be a new partner, if your suspicions are correct. Some people find they need to clam up and tighten their slightly loose boundaries around their exes when a new (and potentially more jealous) person enters the scene. He may now feel unable to talk to you as freely, at least until his new girlfriend learns to trust him. She may have issues herself around you and the length of time you were together; insecurities she needs to seek her own advice on.
Again, it’s nothing to do with you. And I’m not surprised you’re finding this so tough. Hold yourself close during this difficult process. Don’t be ashamed to admit you are grieving and go through the process fully. Try and find a moment to talk to your ex if you can, to ask him if everything is OK – an open (and open-hearted) question, rather than something prickly, accusatory or defensive.
Remember that where we find grief, love remains.
The Independent’s agony aunt Victoria Richards is here to help. Email dearvix@independent.co.uk for advice on love, work, family and relationships
