Do the words "in a statement to the stock exchange" make your eyes glaze over? They needn't. This week, official company releases have contained such linguistic gems as "affectionate epistolary novel" and "low cost is the new black".
There are many rules on reporting financial figures but as a cluster of companies have shown in recent days there is nothing to stop them having a bit of fun with words. While the miners may stick to the safe perennials "short-term uncertainty" and "challenging", it is left to Bloomsbury Publishing's founder Nigel Newton to outline the "vicissitudes" of the consumer book market. His printing presses were busy rolling out the aforementioned "quirky and affectionate epistolary novel" in a year that started "auspiciously".
Telecoms companies tell us they retain a "competitive advantage". But when public relations firm Chime Communications (whose clients, incidentally, include Bloomsbury) referred to its rivals this week, it informed investors "big is not as beautiful or as safe as it once was" while "low cost is the new black".
Talking of Chime's larger rivals, Sir Martin Sorrell at WPP talks of "Armageddon or Apocalypse now having been averted" but "little evidence of better heads and stouter hearts translating into stronger order-books or investments".
To close on a cautionary note for any chief executives out there planning to get too creative, remember the tale of Tim Wheeler, head of property investment company Brixton. Wheeler made headlines last summer with his penchant for quoting Bob Dylan lyrics in Brixton's half year report. Seven months later he found his way out of the company.
