Where were we then, in Versailles (BBC2), which returns for a second series? The palace is still under construction, and 1,000 workers have died so far. Versailles was clearly the Qatar of its day – and those gold gates are very Gulf state chic, no?
Louis XIV is wandering round the grounds like Wee Willie Winkie – because of the night dress, sire, not because you’ve got a wee willy. (I’m keen not to fall out with the short-tempered Louis, for fear of having my eyes put out, or my head lopped off, or both). Oh I see, he’s sleepwalking, into the lake; Sun King sinking.
Everyone hates him, and he hates – and mistrusts – everyone back, especially William of Orange. Louis’ current favourite girlfriend is Madame de Montespan, who is pregnant and usually naked, maîtresse on a mattress, or sometimes lying in a milky bath. “The more of you I consume, the hungrier I become,” she purrs, after a lively session of enthusiastic lovemaking. Are we supposed to be taking this seriously? It’s Carry On Up the Chateau.
A meeting with an astrologer is less successful (she sees doom and gloom ahead) and further lovemaking is required to soothe Louis’ rage. Brother Philippe is also getting plenty over in Saint-Cloud; he lies unconscious under a pile of naked male flesh following a rumbustious romp.
Then there’s a spectacular poisoning, blood spurting from the justice minister’s mouth like water from the giant fountain in the gardens outside (though it doesn’t seem to be operational yet). A Dutch spy is caught, one of William’s (Agent Orange?). He has his eyes burnt out, using the sun’s (perhaps Louis’ own) rays focused into a powerful beam using a concave mirror. Like the way nasty boys burn insects in school playgrounds using magnifying glasses. Ouch. I’m very squeamish about eyes.
Later, during an eclipse (nice touch), the blinded spy has his whole head removed, with a sword. How long till the revolution, and the guillotine, so that all these poncey aristos can be separated from their own heads? Quite a few years yet, and a few potential series. Hmmm. I mean, it’s jolly good fun, but awfully silly. Unlike Madame de Montespan, I’m not becoming hungrier the more I consume.
