Louis looks wistfully at himself in the mirror. “The problem with reflections is that most tell the truth,” he declares. Versailles is getting deep. Tres profond. The romp-athon of episode one is long gone and we’re now into serious 17th-century political history. Louis finds himself at an existential crossroads. “Am I a king or am I a man?” he asks himself. It’s the kind of question that crosses Prince Charles’s mind today. Unlike Prince Charles, Louis has an answer. Buy a new mirror.
After the title sequence – I’m still waiting for someone to tell me what the lyrics actually are – an old friend of Louis’s called Rohan turns up. I have no idea who Rohan is or why he is here as that is the last we see of him. Maybe he was just a near neighbour dropping in.
Back indoors the queen is looking a lot better since the doctor’s daughter removed the afterbirth of the black baby. Louis even pops in to say that he’d like her to schmooze an African prince she knows, who will be visiting shortly. Cue a coach arriving with a parrot on the window frame. It must be ... It can’t be... It is! It’s Prince Annaba of the Ivory Coast or somewhere near that. The coach pulls up outside the palace. “Nice house,” exclaims the prince.
In another part of the palace, Bad Philippe and Not-Quite-So-Bad Philippe, frere de Louis, are having a brief tête-à-tête about the dwarf last seen face up in the fountain. It’s good to know he hadn’t been entirely forgotten. He has been now, though, as Not-Quite-So-Bad-Philippe invites Bad Philippe to go to war with him. Bad Philippe says that, on balance, he’d rather not. This is the first sign of genuine intelligence Bad Philippe has shown in over two hours of television. Who says Versailles can’t do character development?
Out by the pool, Louis and his brother’s wife, Henrietta, are having a quickie, while Prince Annaba is locked in a room with nothing to look at but a painting of the Queen with a black dwarf. As Louis has now explicitly stated – several times, in case you missed it – that absolutely everything he does is for a good reason, there must be a good reason for the black dwarf painting. Either it’s to make the prince feel at home or to disconcert him. No one sait quoi. Louis est comme le vent. A little while later, Prince Annaba and the queen meet for the first time since the last (still as yet unspecified) time they met. To celebrate, they walk around in circles to a Jean-Michel Jarre soundtrack.
Elsewhere, Cassel and Moncour are grumbling about Louis and the weather. The sun is always shining wherever Louis happens to be – that’s the whole point of being the Sun King – while it’s always lashing down near them. They decide Louis needs to be taken down a peg or two and arrange to have some of his gold and marble hijacked en route from Paris. Louis is not un lapin heureux when work has to stop on the palace and immediately has a flashback to the ample body of the naked Madame de Beauvais who was donated to him for the night by his mum when he was about 10.
The parrot is back. That must mean Prince Annaba is nearby. Ah, there he is! He’s not happy about being ignored and is threatening to take his gold and slaves to the Dutch or the English if Louis doesn’t pull his doigt out. Louis is determined to jouer ballon dur and carries on ignoring him. Meanwhile, Not-Quite-So-Bad Philippe is having a tender chat with Henrietta. “You say the sweetest things poppet,” she coos. That’s sweet as in “I’m off to war at the first opportunity and you can carry on shagging my frere while I’m gone if you want”. Bad Philippe is out for a walk with young Sophie who is being lined up as Louis’s next squeeze, though Sophie only has yeux for Benoit the Builder.
After wondering what to do about Cassel and Moncour – “civil war is such a drag” – who are getting increasingly snarky, Louis goes off to play roulette. Prince Annaba barges in and asks to play, but Louis shows an unexpected interest in his own wife, who duly obliges with rather more enthusiasm than you might imagine. Prince Annaba goes off to sleep with several of his wives.
At dawn the next morning, Louis bursts in on Prince Annaba and drags him off to the nunnery – which is still shrouded in mist – to show him the black baby. “Look,” says Louis. “The English and the Dutch would have killed the baby, but because I’m so nice I’ve kept it alive. And by the way. Your Dada’s just died. Therefore you’ve got to do a deal with me.” Prince Annaba immediately agrees. At which point I became even more confused. Was Prince Annaba meant to be grateful that any old black baby had been spared? Or was there a suggestion that Prince Annaba might actually have been the father? Help please.
The episode ends with Moncour wiping out the entire Parthenay family apart from the teenage daughter who manages to escape despite being shot, the Not-Quite-So-Bad Philippe sitting on a horse and Louis finally getting a new mirror. What’s not to love?
