Louis is spinning round and round with his eyes wide open in a neo-classical fantasy. Louis believes he has been asked to act as if he was trying to fail an audition for drama school. He is doing brilliantly. An owl looks at him and an old man dressed in a sheet says: “The enemy is closer than you think.” Louis comes out of his mauvais reve and realises he has just taken part in the most ludicrous opening sequence in the histoire of television.
The useless doctor comes in to tell le roi that he needs to take a bit more laudanum. The screenwriter could do with taking a bit less. Despite the fact that Louis is delirious at the near-death of his acting career, he has enough sense to ignore the useless doctor and ask his competent daughter for advice. She suggests he takes some sagewort. Any port in a storm.
Elsewhere the two Philippes are enjoying themselves in bed together when they are interrupted by another bloke. Unexpectedly, the Not-So-Bad Philippe doesn’t invite him to join them for a threesome and the Mauvais Philippe gets up for a piss. Mid-flow, the Mauvais Philippe is accosted by a masked intruder who hands him a note and tells him to get with the conspiracy. A great tide is stirring, apparently.
A short while later, “The King’s Circle of Trust” assembles for its first meeting. La reine expresses her concern about the succession. Not-So-Bad Philippe checks his look in the mirror and is horrified to notice he has overdone the white powder. He rushes back to Mauvais Philippe to tell him he is distraught about the state his frere is in. “I know I can trust you Mauvais Philippe,” he says, showing a level of stupidite unparalleled even in this series.
The useless doctor is not at all heureux at being displaced as the roi’s medecin by his daughter and knocks her unconscious. He then either poisons himself or is poisoned by someone else – I’ve no idea which and it was awfully dark. Either way he starts vomiting blood. His daughter wakes up and tries to save him. Just as she is treating him, Fabien barges in and tells her she has a choice to make. “Save your dad or save le roi.” No contest. Le roi it is.
Louis is now in a nightdress practising some new dance moves. He calls for his gardener who advises him to read Sun Tzu’s The Art of War. The priests say the last rites. A tad premature with three episodes to go, but the right idea. Though given the progress of the Versailles building works it will take another 17 series for the east wing to be completed.
Fabien has uncovered a plot and rides off to round up the conspirators. Only it turns out that the plot he thought he had intercepted was a false trail deliberately laid by the conspirators so they could meet somewhere else. The ringleader is a woman I feel I ought to recognise but don’t, who promises the Mauvais Philippe that she definitely, definitely has William of Orange on her side. This is said as if it’s a good thing.
Thanks to the daughter who has let her dad die, the king is now meilleur. But because he has just speed-read The Art of War he is keen that the rest of the court doesn’t know he is meilleur, so he can work out who he can and can’t trust. Stupidite clearly runs in the famille.
At another meeting of the “Council of Trust”, Not-So-Bad Philippe is devastated not to be made regent because of his friendship with Mauvais Philippe. Not-So-Bad Philippe goes off to discuss the situation with Mauvais Philippe. “I side with the nobles and you,” says Mauvais Philippe. “Can you side with you?” This level of Cartesian dualism is way beyond Not-So-Bad Philippe, who says he will hang on and wait to see if the roi croaks. Mauvais Philippe storms off in a huff, saying there will be no more blow jobs on offer. Or something like that.
Back in the morgue the daughter does an autopsy on her dad and discovers something unusual. Emilia Renard’s job in Temoin Silent is now under real threat. She goes off to voir le roi and gets appointed his official doctor. She doesn’t think to discuss salary and terms and conditions of employment.
Meanwhile the maid who found the false lead note has discovered a genuine conspiracy note in one of the drawers of the woman with the horizontal hair – I think she’s called Madame de Clermont, but as the end credits only list the cast by their first names and no one ever uses first names in the programme, it’s impossible to be certain. She then races off to Fabien who rounds up some of the conspirators, including the Mauvais Philippe.
Louis is now in Art of War overdrive and is ready to confide in his frere that he is no longer delirious. “You are blind to the failings of the Mauvais Chevalier,” Louis says. Not-So-Bad Philippe falls to the ground sobbing. Overacting as well as stupidite runs in the family.
Things are now moving quickly. Not-So-Bad Philippe is languishing in a cell waiting to be water-boarded, while the woman with the horizontal hair garottes the maid – “Burn in hell you Catholic cunt,” she says sweetly – before poisoning Fabien with a fake aphrodisiac mid-shag. Madame then makes herself throw up, Louis practises his dance shapes, Fabien coughs up blood and Mauvais Philippe watches one of his fellow conspirators being pulled apart by four horses. It’s going to take more than a blow job to get out of this one.
