Not-So-Bad Philippe is sulking in front of the fire because his frere, le roi, has not unreasonably locked up the Mauvais Philippe for plotting against him. Louis barges in and tells Not-So-Bad Philippe to cheer up and come for a gallop for old times’ sake. Not-So-Bad Philippe agrees but is still sulking.
Cue the title music, and much excitement. Because the BBC used exactly the same music during its coverage of the London Anniversary athletics at the weekend, prompting hopes/fears that they might be planning to roll it out for the Rio Olympics in just over a week’s time. Who knew this piece of sub early-70s Genesis was the Nessun Dorma de nos jours? Perhaps the BBC thought Versailles = Sexy, Rio = Sexy, so wanted to find a way of combining the two. Only Versailles is now about as sexy as Robot Wars. Having spent the first episode ripping their kit off at any opportunity, the court of Versailles has taken an oath of chastity.
Henriette has had a miscarriage and the woman medecin (la fille du medecin who croaked) has to be smuggled in disguised as a man. I’m not sure why, as she has previously treated everyone as a woman, but this series still has its secrets. If ones of a not very interesting nature. Anyway, the doc says Henriette is fine and nips back home.
Down in the dungeon Mauvais Philippe is looking very sorry for himself and by the time the mystery Milk Tray Man in the plastic mask has turned up and threatened to slit him open if he says un mot, he is looking even sorrier for himself. As is Fabien, who in the last episode had a quick bunk-up with Madame de Clermont hoping for une petite mort and nearly ended up with une grande mort. For a man whose job is to be Louis’ intelligence chief, Fabien had been a little slow on the uptake to realise he’s been poisoned but he eventually puts deux et deux ensemble and trots off to the doc to be treated.
Back at court, Louis is trying to chat Sir William from Londres into persuading King Charles to join France in the invasion of Holland as William of Orange is being a bit of a pain. Sir William wants to know what Grande-Bretagne will get in return; Louis promises to have a word with the Pope and square things away so England can become Catholic again. Something tells me William of Orange will have the last laugh. Still, Sir William is open to offers and Louis promises to send someone to Dover to have a word with Charles. Louis wanders downstairs and tells Henriette that she has been chosen to conduct the negotiations. It could have been worse. He could have asked Boris Johnson.
Louis then strolls down to the dungeon where Mauvais Philippe is contemplating some maggoty dinner and promises to release him providing he be bon in the futur. Elsewhere in the Palais there is a secret meeting of all the plotteurs in which they conspire to kill Henriette on her way to Dover. Moncour lingers behind as the man in the plastic mask goes to talk to the chief plotteur, the man with the fancy ring. The man with the plastic mask takes off his plastic mask to reveal himself as nobody we’ve ever seen before. That could explain how he was able to turn up absolutely everywhere in the palace without anyone asking what he was doing.
Not-So-Bad Philippe is sulking again, this time because his femme, Henriette, is being sent to England to negotiate an end to the tailbacks on the A20 into Dover. This is something Not-So-Bad Philippe thinks he should be doing. Louis tries to console him by letting him know that at least Mauvais Philippe is up and about again. However, Not-So-Bad Philippe is not quite so thrilled about the retour of Mauvais Philippe as he would like. “Please love me,” says Mauvais Philippe.
Downstairs at court a messenger arrives from Pau and Madame de Clermont looks very anxious. “You look very anxious, Beatrice,” says a woman. HISTORICAL NOTE: this is the first time anyone has called Madame de Clermont by her first name in the entire series.
Moncour has decided that being one of the plotteurs is no longer for lui and goes to the king to let him know that les autres plotteurs are planning to ambush Henriette and kill her. Having discovered that Madame de Clermont is not actually the real Madame de Clermont who was burned to death 30 years ago, Fabien and Bontemps go and arrest the plotteur without the plastic mask who is about to fire a crossbow through the window of Henriette’s coach. Louis is delighted and interrupts a wine-tasting session – the 1672 Chateau Chunder is especially fine – to let Moncour know he is welcome back. Moncour looks comme le chat who got la crème.
Bontemps is proving to be a feeble torturer to the man with the plastic mask. Unluckily for the man with the plastic mask, Fabien is now recovered and ready to resume the thumbscrews. Meanwhile Not-So-Bad Philippe is sulking in the bath. Louis bursts in to tell him he has a very important job for him. Not-So-Bad Philippe is to be put in charge of Court Etiquette. Not-So-Bad Philippe thinks this is more a job for somebody useless like Andrea de Leadsom, but doesn’t have that much choice.
Upstairs, Fabien has gone to get his breeches back from Beatrice, who doesn’t look best pleased to find out he is still alive. She gets a knife out and thinks about stabbing but wisely decides against it because he has a machine pistol hidden behind his back. On such a night as this, there is only one thing to do. Go for a walk. So Louis and Rohan stroll among the candlelit flowerbeds. The camera closes in on Rohan’s hand. He is wearing the ring! He is Le Plotteur-in-Chef! Mon dieu! At least we now know what the hell he’s been doing for the past six episodes in which he’s barely featured.
