No matter how old you are, parents always think they know best. Their resistance to change can work in your favour: it means when you hit 30, you’ll still be able to raid their fridge without asking first. But it still grates when your parents won’t budge on the issues that really matter to you, such as sustainability, the climate emergency, or understanding that Uncle Derek’s opinion about 5G masts doesn’t count as “news”.
Here, neuro-linguistic programming practitioner Marilyn Devonish reveals the top persuasion tactics to help your parents see that you’re right and they’re wrong.
The argument: ‘That piercing/haircut/outfit makes you look awful.’
Underneath your parents’ worries about your stylistic choices is a fear that it will affect how people will react to you, so gently point out that a job or partner that rejects you based on appearance is unlikely to be right for you anyway.
“Let them know your look is how you express yourself – and, if possible, find photos of your parents from when they went through their own experiments in style,” says Devonish. “Ask them why they made those choices, and explain why you’ve made your own. And remind them that they’ve raised a strong-willed, independent person who is a product of their making.”
The argument: ‘Veganism is a load of nonsense.’
We can all throw around facts and figures about being kinder to animals and the planet – but to be really persuasive, you have to find out what matters to your audience. “If a topic is of no interest, it’s going to fall on deaf ears,” says Devonish. “In this instance, if your parents are looking forward to having grandchildren one day, linking veganism to eating more healthily and living longer is more likely to resonate.”
As well as luring them in with the promise of more time with their future grandchildren, try a practical demonstration of the benefits of eating green. “If they love their Sunday lunch, challenge their preconceptions by making a nut roast and encouraging them to try it,” says Devonish.
The argument: ‘Phone scrolling is a waste of time.’
In the 1900s, society panicked about the effects of novels on young women’s delicate sensibilities. Then TV started “destroying” young minds and, now, of course, smartphones mark the end of civilisation – so try reminding your parents of the bigger picture.
“There’s a photo I often share of a train carriage in the 1940s or 1950s, where everyone has their nose buried in a newspaper,” says Devonish. “If you replace the papers with a mobile phone, it’s no different – except, if you’re online, you’re more likely to be communicating with others.”
Lockdown has been a fantastic motivator for staying connected, so make comparisons between your way of socialising and theirs that they’ll recognise. “People used to know the people on their street, but now the ‘street’ is people across the world,” says Devonish. And if your parents still aren’t happy, consider writing them a letter with an actual pen every now and then, to prove the internet hasn’t melted your brain.
The argument: ‘Why worry about the climate?’
It’s easier to encourage your parents to indulge in eco-friendly behaviours if they can visualise the knock-on effect on the things they care about. “For example, if you want to encourage them to walk instead of driving short distances, remind them that walking is healthier, as well as a good way of reconnecting with local people during lockdown,” says Devonish. Should your parents need more persuasion, a good old-fashioned guilt trip can pull on the heartstrings: you need their help to protect the planet for future generations.
“If they argue that individual acts like recycling don’t make much of an impact, show them how they do,” says Devonish. “Encourage them to pile up their clean recyclable waste for two weeks to help them see that the cumulative effect can be huge.”
The argument: ‘We were married – with kids – by your age!’
Even if marriage and children aren’t on the cards for you, it’s probably best not to crush your parents’ hopes and dreams all at once. “In this instance, boil it down to what they ultimately want to achieve,” says Devonish. “Chances are, your parents just want you to be happy, and think settling down is the best way to get there.
“Explain to them that what will make you happy right now is to learn, grow, and find out more about the world. The rest will follow.”
The argument: “[Insert wild conspiracy] must be real, I read about it on Facebook.”
This year, we’ve all seen the downsides of false information being spread online. But how, exactly, do you persuade your parents to stop reposting those dubious news stories? “Your parents know what propaganda means, but might not understand the forms it takes these days,” says Devonish. “It’s easy to take stories that align with our beliefs as facts, so you need to explain that news stories can look reputable but actually be satire, or from an unreliable source.”
Dig down into some fake news stories and offer up some examples of Photoshopped images to show them just how convincing fake news can be. “The meme that ‘quotes’ Abraham Lincoln saying: ‘Don’t believe everything you read on the internet,’ might also put the point across,” Devonish adds.
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