‘Sports-style front seats,” brags the Vauxhall Astra Sports Tourer. “Chrome-effect upper window trim.” It is the smallness of the boasts that makes them sound so Alan Partridge, that and the fact the seats aren’t sports style in any meaningful sense; and if they were, they would look radically dissonant against the car itself, which is about as sporty as a flesh-coloured surgical truss.
The emerald green of mine is the kind of colour that conveys status to people who play golf. Elaborate alarm systems complain constantly about factors over which you, as driver, have no control; a person walking behind you in stationary traffic will unleash the beeping of imminent catastrophe; parking is like an atonal symphony. Visibility isn’t great, owing to the rather thick and overcautious window pillars, and there is a fragrance diffuser, upon request – the very endpoint of middle-management fussiness, like having a fan on your underpants.
Sometimes, though, I feel a certain injustice is done to cars like these, since their main point is that they are reliable and not flighty. You’d probably need a decade to really appreciate the quiddity of the Astra, in the absence of which I will tell you instead about its safety features. These are no ordinary airbags – these are full-size curtain airbags, which sounds like another belt to go with braces, unless you have a friend who only last week was rammed from behind in a car with only regular airbags, and now has wobbly front teeth. There are various measures to protect you from yourself, like speed-limiting cruise control and hill-start assist, and it will also monitor your tyre pressures.
On a motorway, it is dependable but catches you unawares, like a surprisingly fast donkey. The acceleration is unexpected, and there’s an incongruous dynamism in the upper gears which made me want to buy driving gloves. The handling is stately but confident, the cornering neat. The controls are intuitive and the driving posture is lovely on a long drive, comfortable but not soporific. There’s loads of boot space, and plenty of legroom. I suppose, for the person to whom this would appeal, it is a big deal that you’d look more like a company man than a minicab driver, even though the respective cars for those jobs are around the same price.
Don’t knock it until you’ve tried it; then knock it; then imagine trying it for longer; then rescind some of your knocking. But not all of it.
Vauxhall Astra Sports Tourer 1.6CDTi
On the road price £23,385
Top speed 137mph
Acceleration 0-60mph in 8.4 seconds
Combined fuel consumption 67.3mpg
CO2 emissions 112g/km
Eco rating 7/10
Cool rating 5/10
