KEEPING UP NON-APPEARANCES
In moments of personal crisis, the Fiver has occasionally sought help from unusual sources: menthol woodbines, Plymouth Gin, the Dear Deidre column. We have even been known to have a surreptitious flick through those ads in the back of our little brother's lads mags which offer "personal enhancement". It looks like Steven Gerrard has been doing the same, because on the very day that he officially pulled out of the Svengland World Cup squad, he's booked himself in for an operation on his groin.
"The rehabilitation period for this sort of operation is six weeks so obviously I'm going to miss the World Cup which is a massive disappointment," Gerrard told liverpoolfc.tv as he ironed another crease into his forehead. But he's keeping his pecker up. "In the short term it's a big blow," he said. "But I'm only 21 and confident this surgery means I'll be involved in other major tournaments for the national side in the future."
Svennis, who has probably been keeping tabs on Jamie Redknapp just in case Nicky Butt's head falls off in a golfing accident in Dubai this week, broke his disappointment exclusively to the FA's exclusive website. "I am obviously very disappointed for Steven and for England," he said, as Kieron Dyer's number flashed up on his mobile phone for the 367th time this week. Meanwhile, Gerrard sent the rest of the walking wounded his regards. "I want to send all the England lads my best wishes for the tournament and let them know I'll be cheering them on from home." No change there, then.
THE ITV DIGITAL FILM NOIR CHANNEL
It was an evil night and David Burns, the chief executive of the Football League, stood shivering on a street corner. He glanced at his watch; he tutted and sighed. Two hummed renditions of Match of the Day later, Burns could wait no more. He doesn't like being stood up, especially not by representatives of two TV companies named after a mediocre-midfielder-turned-boss-of-Stockport and a Spanish resort with historical airs and graces. Carlton and Granada were going to pay for this - to the tune of a £178.5m court action over the money owed to the League from the collapse of ITV Digital, plus a mere £500m in damages.
"The Football League has sought to negotiate with Charles Allen and Michael Green," shrieked Burns at a couple of startled tramps, "but they have refused to meet with us and, in view of their unwillingness to enter into a meaningful business discussion, we are now focussed on the legal process." Burns paused for breath as his words disappeared in wisps of steam. "Leading counsel has advised that the league has a strong case on the merits and we remain confident of success."
The tramps looked at each other, bemused. Surely every man and his stray mutt knew that Carlton and Granada had asked the High Court to rule that they weren't liable for the debt, because there were no parent-company guarantees in the original contract? And what about rumours over the weekend that Keith Harris, who recently made the transition from low-grade kiddies' ventriloquist to chairman of the League, was close to agreeing a £100m deal with the two companies?
Burns sensed the vagabonds' confusion, shook his head slowly, and explained that Carlton and Granada had a moral obligation to cough up because they were shareholders in ITV Digital, and that if they didn't, 30 clubs could go bankrupt. He strode off into the darkness, muttering something about seeing everyone in court. The Fiver can hardly wait.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
"Nobody said that sex, at the right place and the right time, could do anyone any harm" - Poland coach Jerzy Engel tells his World Cup squad they can sleep with their wives and girlfriends during the finals, but they will have to pay 3,000 euros to take them along.
"I'm not taking my wife along, but that doesn't mean I'm a cheapskate" - Canny midfielder Cezary Kucharski rummages around in his pockets and decides to keep himself to himself.
TALKS BLOWN OFF COURSE
Joseph Pujol was a French vaudeville artiste at the turn of the 20th century who traded under the name Le Petomane. Pujol had complete control of the muscles in his backside, and was able to fart at will; crowds would flock to theatres to witness him blow out candles with his nether aperture, or play songs like O Sole Mio with the aid of some rubber tubing. Le Petomane was said to earn over 20,000 francs a week.
Happily, the French tradition of attempting to earn large sums of cash through the expulsion of hot air has not been totally lost. Didier and Claude Anelka, for example, have recently been making ridiculous noises while talking to Liverpool on behalf of their brother Nicolas. Sadly, their singular talents have not been appreciated by fellow countryman Gerard Houllier, who according to website Planet Football is so irritated with the guff they have been spouting that he has banned them from Liverpool's training ground and is refusing to talk to them any more.
This has put Anelka's permanent move to Anfield in serious jeopardy, because although terms have been agreed between player and club, no agreement can now reached over the agents' fee. As a result of this, Houllier has turned his attention to West Ham striker Frederic Kanoute. "It's true, I had contact. Liverpool sound interested and I am too," trumpeted the excited player today, thankfully without the use of piping.
THE FIVER'S WORST PLAYER OF THE YEAR AWARD
It's Those Players Again! So come on, who is the most hellish? Titus Bramble, Harry Kewell, Ade Akinbiyi, Juan Sebastian Veron or Fabrizio Ravanelli? Email the.boss@guardian.co.uk to vote.
THE RUMOUR MILL
Manchester United in! Lilian Thuram. Manchester United out! Denis Irwin to Wolves.
Chelsea, Arsene and Newcastle are all after chubby Ipswich defender Titus Bramble. Are these clubs seeing something we're not?
Clinton Morrison is on his way to Premiership side Birmingham in a £5m transfer. Hmm. Premiership side Birmingham. It doesn't sound right, does it?
NEWS IN BRIEF
The nation's most famous limb will be wrapped in cotton wool until England's World Cup opener against Sweden on June 2. In an attempt to protect his injured left ankle, Dave Becks has admitted he will not risk making a single tackle until the competition gets under way. "The first time I will take any kind of risk with the foot is in the first game against Sweden," he said. "That's the first time I'll risk it in a tackle."
Bobby Charlton has joined brother Jack in writing off England's chances at the World Cup, and believes defending champions France are the favourites. "It's certainly looking less and less likely that it's going to be England," he said. "We've had a great deal of trouble with injured players. I know it's normal to get one's fair share, but ours seems to be over the top this year."
Argentina midfielder Juan Sebastian Veron has accused media critics of trying to unsettle him before his country's World Cup match against England. "This all started up when the World Cup draw was made because I am Argentinian," he said. "But it's not going to affect me as far as the continuation of my career in England is concerned."
After a season which ended with a late call into Svennis's World Cup squad, Martin Keown looks set to be rewarded further with a new contract at Arsene. "I like to think I have 11 leaders in the dressing-room," said Arsenal. "Martin is certainly one of them. Of course I want him to stay."
Chievo have played down reports that they are to launch a bid for Paolo Di Canio. Coach Luigi Del Neri said: "I don't think there has been any contact. He is a great player, but I don't think Chievo can afford him. He gets a high salary. There has been no contact up to now."
Graham Taylor has confirmed that Aston Villa have signed De Graafschap goalkeeper Stefan Postma for £1.5m. "He is a very big imposing keeper and in signing him I am now satisfied we have the goalkeeping position covered," said Taylor.
Michael Duberry is ready to quit Leeds after accepting that his days at the club look numbered. With David O'Leary O'Leeds under orders to trim the squad during the close season, Duberry looks set to become the first senior name to leave. Last week Bolton boss Sam Allardyce expressed an interested in signing the centre-back. Now it is understood Blackburn and Everton are in the hunt.
TONIGHT'S TV & RADIO
ITV1: England's World Cup Showdowns (10.20pm)
How to save the polar bears:
Sky Sports 1: Inside Scottish Football (6.30pm)
Give 'em a shave and send 'em to Scotland.
FA Youth Cup Final (8pm)
Replace melting ice glaciers with confectionery mint ones.
Spanish Football: Season Review (10pm)
Shoot all oil men.
Radio 5 Live: Sport on 5 with Ian Payne (7pm)
Get more babies by inviting bears to wine parties and sticking their car keys in a bowl.
