The new series of The Apprentice has started in the US. And, while it's nowhere near as good as other versions of The Apprentice (such as perhaps ones starting on the BBC in a few weeks, watch this space), it might still be worth watching if you can. But why? I, Anna Pickard, bravely investgate.
Let's take this element by element …
The celebridates
Not really candidates, in the traditional sense – they're not really be going to get a job out of Donald Trump by the end of this. But come ON – they're not really celebrities if you haven't got a clue who 70% of them are. And I haven't.
But, celebrities they are … because there are already a billion different reality shows offering people to become the chance to become some celebrity's employee – or, increasingly, some celebrity's girlfriend (which is weird).
So as not to get mixed up with that lower-class lot, it now seems as if Donald Trump is cutting out the bottom-man, and only dealing with the middle: it's celebrity apprentices all the way. They won't win a job, and all the money will go to charity. And in the meantime the audience will get 16 weeks (or whatever) of watching people famous for something else do things their lives may or may not have equipped them for.
Or maybe that isn't why he does it. Maybe it's just that he doesn't have any jobs to offer anyone - what with the current economic climate…
In fact, speaking of which…
In the UK version, Sir Alan Sugar needs to employ people to sit on his right and left hands, but Donald Trump? No. He just produces his employees and most trusted advisers from the depths of his loins.
Which is a dark, warm, slightly moist location I really never wanted to think about much. But he left me no choice the moment he introduced his own personal Nick and Margaret: a nice young man with a bouffant coiffure by the name of Donald Jr, and a striking young businesswoman – I might venture so far as to say "sultry" – by the name of Ivanka.
Ivanka Trump.
Man, if you want to get perfect employees nowadays, you have to do it yourself, don't you?
Well, Whatever, I'm unsure of their efficacy. While Nick and Margaret might be ever-present shadows of the teams in the UK, Invanka and Mini-Toupee seem to pop in every few hours, if that.
What, like they're really busy otherwise? Doing what? Trying to advance their career? Seriously – you can't get any more related to someone. I think that's about as well as you can do.
Damnit, Anna: Answer the question: WHO are these celebridates?
Just some folk who have done stuff.
They're a mixture – country stars, R&B stars, people famous because they appeared in another reality show that wasn't this one and champions of sports televised on obscure channels at silly o'clock in the morning – but for the purposes of this season of The Apprentice, they're celebrities, one and all.
The interesting thing is, the only thing any of them will admit to having to offer are the celebrity contacts they can call upon to turn up and pay up for whatever charitable exercise they're doing this week.
"My friend Tony Hawk came down. He's a huge celebrity, so we got a good crowd for him," said Tom Green (comedian), implicitly admitting that the rest of them weren't, and couldn't draw a crowd with a marker pen, let alone a real one.
The biggest star by far is Dennis Rodman, the NBA basketball star and, well, as one of the celebridates in the boardroom said:
"Dennis Rodman is the most visible celebrity"
"The biggest celebrity?"
"Yes, he's very tall."
Which just confused everybody. Still, it's quite lucky that he's such a strong visual clue – because refusing to do any work as much as he seemed to on the first task (apparently getting out of the Celebrity Cupcake van would have detracted from the task at hand because he was TOO famous, which is an interesting reversal of the concept).
On the women's team, I have to admit to only really knowing Joan Rivers. The realisation that her equally plastic-surgeryised daughter was also team member was sheer delight. I'm waiting for the moment where one of them announces her face has been pulled back so far she can actually see behind her. That day will come.
Celebrities sell cupcakes
Pretty much says everything you could ever wish to know about the episode and whether you'd want to watch it or not. Want to see celebrities sell cupcakes? You're totally in the right place. Not interested in how it might go if a celebrity tried to sell a cupcake: this is NOT the show for you.
But where else are you going to find the phrase: "I don't know quite went wrong, but those cupcakes taste like ass"?
Then again, why might you seek to?
Celebridates to watch out for
Please note, because I'm being nice and not including spoilers (though that Wikipedia page I linked to earlier does, so, you know ...) one or more of the people in the list below might not actually be in the show any more.
Clint Black is apparently a country star, but is certainly a dark horse. That man has TACTICS.
Andrew Dice Clay is apparently a comedian, but doesn't seem to be very funny. Apart from when he's desperately trying to prove he's more famous than the rest of them. "I'm the only guy sitting here to have sold out Madison Square Garden three times," he keeps saying. Everyone sniggers under their stretched smile.
Joan Rivers and daughter Melissa – for all the reasons given above …
And Annie Duke is a poker champion, apparently – but also a Bossy Boots and someone overly fond of pulling her monied poker-playing friends out of the bag to provide extra-special total-boosting bucks.
What next?
You have to wonder how long this can go on – raising money for charities each week by calling on various friends. Because let's face it: they're probably all going to run out within a few weeks. We've already had the Playmate call in a cheque from Hugh Hefner and Annie Duke call in her poker buddies: that's surely not going to happen 16 weeks in a row. Sooner or later they're going to have to start proving they have skills. And then the knives will come out. (If it is a knife-throwing skill. And I think we'd all like to see that)
Wither Frances?
Finally: and most importantly - as any sensible Apprenticite knows, whoever sits in the secretary's chair is the power behind the throne. Amanda is the American version of our Frances, but cannot hold a candle to our Fanny.
Ow. Sorry.
While in the UK Apprentice, Frances manages to imbue each "Surallun is ready for you now" with promises of hidden meaning, deep intelligence as well as sunsets and spiced cocktails in hidden coves - Amanda just stares at her intercom with vague incomprehension whenever it chirrups into life.
Oh, and Donald Trump's hair
That's not a complete sentence. It's just a great reason for watching. Really admire Donald Trump's hair and wish you could look at it every day but have a new baby and can't get into the celebrity/not-real-job market right now?
Have no fear: Donald Trump baby toupees are also available.
So there we are. Reasons NOT to watch it: Multiple. Reasons TO watch it: Unconvincing but equally numerous. And the toupee takes it. So watch it, it is.
And you can have a liveblog of it too, if you like.
