The centenary of the Somme isn’t many people’s idea of a good moment to promise “it will be all over by Christmas”. But Andrea Leadsom isn’t just any old person. She’s a mother. A mother with a strong interest in grandchildren. Even though she hasn’t got any yet. But she has met some and she likes them a lot.
Having won the referendum war largely thanks to the votes of the over 40s, Leadsom has suddenly developed a keen interest in children and grandchildren. At her Conservative leadership launch, her eyes moistened and her voice became breathier every time she said “children and grandchildren”. Which was about once or twice a sentence. The message: “Anyone who doesn’t have children is evil” was subliminally beamed on to the wall behind her. It’s pure coincidence that Theresa May doesn’t have children.
Leadsom wants to reassure the UK’s children and grandchildren she has always had their best interests at heart and that everything is going to be absolutely fine. Don’t worry your pretty little heads. Trust mummy. Trust wannabe granny. All those nasty people who have been scaring you that separation from the EU would be long and painful have got it wrong. It’s a doddle. All we have to do is say to the EU we want this and we want that and the EU will give it to us. Most things will go through on the nod. Simples. Everything will be fixed by Christmas. Earlier, possibly. Apart from those bits that won’t.
This might all have come as news to the Leadsom of 2013 who was certain that Brexit would be a disaster for the economy and cause a decade of uncertainty, but she wasn’t at all keen to explain herself. “I’ve been on an amazing journey,” she said, channeling an X Factor contestant who had just been kicked off the show. It’s amazing what a touch of Kool–Aid and personal ambition can do. From Andrea to Pollyanna in three very easy years.
But then Pollyanna has a great deal to be Pollyanna-ish about right now. Iain Duncan Smith and Owen Paterson were the cheerleaders-in-chief at her launch at the Cinnamon Club, one of Westminster’s top restaurants. IDS is the man who once thought he was the right person to be leading the Tory party and Paterson is the environment secretary who was outwitted by 250 badgers.
She’s also the preferred candidate of Arron Banks, Ukip’s largest financial donor. She is a magnet for all the rightwing oddballs whom most Tory MPs try to keep at arm’s length. In any sane world, their support should be a guarantee of failure. And yet she’s one of the frontrunners to challenge the favourite, Theresa. Just as confusing, no one seems at all bothered that one official described her as the worst minister the Treasury had ever had. Up really is down.
Standing in front of a sign that read andREALeadsom – who knew that 2012’s Perfect Curve actually existed? – Pollyanna sounded like a particularly unconvincing Lance Corporal Jones from Dad’s Army. And anything but REAL. “Please don’t be afraid,” she said, struggling to contain her sense of panic and bewilderment at being the centre of attention. “What we need to remember is that the Hun doesn’t like it up ’em. We haven’t stopped loving our children and grandchildren. We haven’t abandoned love. We have just rediscovered our freedom to hate the people we don’t like.” People who don’t have children being first in the queue.
Pollyanna’s voice caught. Her leadership bid wasn’t about personal ambition, as she had plenty of cash tucked away after years of working in the City; it was about doing the best for the country’s children and grandchildren. “One of my key appointments will be a minister for housing,” she insisted. “And I will do my very best to keep him in post for the duration of the parliament.” That wasn’t exactly the firmest of commitments. Pollyanna also went on to declare her passion for social justice, a passion that didn’t quite extend to revealing whether all her family tax affairs were onshore. All in good time.
“My concern is for the emotional health of our nation,” she concluded. “And I am better prepared than anyone to deliver that. We are the mother of all parliaments and I am the mother of all mothers.” And one day she would be the grandmother of all grandmothers.
There was as little detail in Pollyanna’s speech as there had been in every other Tory leadership bid. All she knew for certain was what she didn’t know. She didn’t know if there was going to be a cut-off point for EU migrants being allowed to stay in this country; she didn’t know who was going to be in her great negotiation team for the negotiations that wouldn’t need to take place because they would be over by Christmas; and she definitely hadn’t a clue why so many people thought she might make a good leader.
In another part of Westminster, Liam Fox launched his own leadership campaign. A futile gesture was a far more fitting way to mark the centenary of the Somme.
