When they get together in large numbers Croatia fans like bouncing up and down. They also like banging things. The Viennese U-bahn isn't really designed for either of these. As hundreds of red-and-white-check-shirted men bounced and banged their way through the underground tunnels on their way to the Ernst Happell Stadion for their country's opening match, the locals crushed in alongside them looked bemused and rather afraid. Austria is a sedate kind of place. This was all a little too close to the "fiery madness" prophesised by Slaven Bilic and his Rawbau.
Fortunately help was at hand. During a brief lull a lone Austrian voice piped up with a chorus of "Wo sind die Englander? Wo sind die Englander?". Cue ice-breaking laughter all round. Cue also a strangely moving rendition of God Save the Queen, bawled in unison by 500 Croats and Austrians in a tube train beneath the streets of Vienna.
So England are here in a way - if only as source material for cross-cultural central European humour. As for the team itself, nobody seems to be missing them at all.
Gerard Houllier, in Vienna as a Uefa technical wonk, paid rather perfunctory lip service to England as a "big football nation" when asked if he regretted their absence. And a surprising amount of store is still set by Croatia beating Steve McClaren's team twice in qualifying, earning the Croats a perhaps unmerited dark horse status.
Beyond that, England's absence on the pitch has made more sense as the tournament has progressed. Let's face it, only one team here has played anything like England of recent vintage. And that was Austria: unlucky to lose to Croatia but still ranked 92nd in the world.
The fact is the team McClaren led through the qualifiers - and for all anyone really knows the one Fabio Capello has since been toting about - looks significantly out of step with what we've seen so far.
A few observations about the way teams have played:
Full-backs
The better teams have these bombing forward. Jose Bosingwa and even poor old out-of-position Paulo Ferreira augmented the attack when they could for Portugal. Lahm of Germany was his usual thrusting self against Poland. And even while they were under the cosh against Austria it was Croatia's Pranjic who on a couple of occasions led the counter-attacks. A pair of progressive and energetic full-backs can make a huge difference. England don't have them (even Ashley Cole no longer skips forward with abandon). It's one reason why they're not here.
Attacking systems
Modric and Deco have been fun to watch playing in a central position with the freedom to roam. For Germany Podolski, a striker, has played as a left-winger joining the attack at every opportunity. Portugal go with a centre forward and two attacking wingers. England, with their occasional forays into big man/small man territory still look decidedly conservative up front, and their absence robs the tournament of nothing in terms of innovative attacking ploys.
Centre forwards
Much has been made so far of the scarcity of traditional-style number nines here. This doesn't mean there aren't goal-scorers. The squad statistics make salutary reading for anybody who really thinks Michael Owen's international goal record makes him an unarguably world class player. All the better teams have at least one player scoring at a similar or often superior rate. Owen's record is roughly similar to that of the much maligned Nuno Gomes, for example. Jan Koller has a magnificent 54 in 86 games. Podolski has 27 in 49; Adrian Mutu 28 in 61. Owen's career has been about par for a front-rank international striker. Without him England have no attacker - Wayne Rooney included and with apologies to Peter Crouch - with a record that demands a place at this tournament.
Coaches
There are a lot of old ones about. And a lot of young ones too. The difference being, the young ones tend to have been great and inspiring players for their country (Slaven Bilic, Roberto Donadoni); whereas the old ones are vastly experienced in the peculiar business of international football. In opting for McClaren England chose the worst of both worlds: a young coach with no great charisma or personal standing. With Capello they've opted for the eminence grise, although without, it has to be said, any prior international experience. Again, England's failure to qualify deprives the tournament of nothing in this field.
Wo sind die Englander, then? Lounging on an expensive stretch of sand, perhaps, or water-skiing off a palm-fringed island. Maybe even negotiating a new summer-windfall Premier League contract. Hopefully, one or two of those responsible for England's recent shortcomings are having a look at what they're missing. And making a few notes.
