7.15pm: 45 minutes to go until Paxman introduces the teams and then launches into one of his interminable questions. Join me then to find out if Corpus Christi College's Gail Trimble can marshal her troops to victory yet again!
8.02pm: Here we go! Titles! Plinkety-plonkety string music!
8.06pm: Paxman welcomes us, and goes a little hyperbolic by telling us that whoever wins tonight will join "the immortals". We meet the teams - Martinez, Roy, Yeo (captain) and Baker of Manchester; and Kay, Schwartzman, Trimble (captain) and James Marsden of Corpus Christi. It's not THAT James Marsden, though. It would be a very different show if it was. Possibly one with singing and dancing.
8.10pm: Well. Trimble's done naff all yet except state her name and occupation - Manchester have got the first two starters for ten. And I have suddenly remembered why I would be rubbish on this - I simply haven't got the attention span to listen to the questions. They're so LONG.
8.11pm: And the third starter for ten goes to Manchester, and then they have to answer questions on horniness. HAHAHA. It is very funny, you see. Because they are students. And all they do is have sex.
8.12pm: Picture round on presidents and their approval ratings. Manchester are 70-0 in front now. I don't think Trimble has her batteries in. She's just sitting there blankly at the moment.
8.14pm: Corpus Christi finally get a starter question (after Manchester cock up their first attempt), and their bonuses are on mathematics - a nice, narrow field of reference there. Then Schwartzman recognises Edith Wharton's assessment of Ulysses, and they have to answer questions about currency. By the way, when the scoreboards are up, I can't see what the numbers actually are because I don't have a widescreen television. If anyone would like to donate one to me, do let me know.
8.17pm: James Marsden has a sneer as he says "polymorphous". The REAL James Marsden wouldn't do that. Then there is a round of questions based around wordplay (you add one letter to the first word to make it a new one - like "tool" and "stool") and I actually get these right. Morally I am the victor. At the end of this round, Manchester are 90-55 in front, and we move on to music, where it's all about identifying violin concertos. Manchester win that too.
8.20pm: Corpus Christi get two starters, and the second of their bonuses is about pigs in literature, which is brilliant as a concept, but less amusing in practice. And then Manchester wrest control back and they have to answer questions about Latin and I am utterly lost. That's what a comprehensive education does to you. Wail.
8.22pm: Trimble buzzes in to answer "Pollyanna" when she should have said "Goody-Two-Shoes" and her brow furrows in a horrifically distressed fashion.
8.24pm: Schwartzman knows about Lamaze breathing, and Corpus Christi are staging a late revival. At the end of the round, they're only 15 points behind, and now all they have to do is identify paintings. Her Majesty Trimble correctly recognises Dante, flicks her hair and beams in an unsurprisingly self-satisfied fashion.
8.25pm: Manchester seize back the ball and reclaim a 30-point lead. They get to answer questions about libraries. They get one out of the three, and there are just FOUR MINUTES TO GO.
8.27pm: The man who does the voiceover and says the college and the contestant name is getting very overexcited. And Trimble is gabbling out the answers like there are only three minutes left. Which there are.
8.28pm: Corpus Christi have steamed in front and Trimble has her game-face on. She is beaming calmly at her team-mates.
8.29pm: I genuinely think the Manchester team might have gone home.
8.30pm: GONG! Corpus Christi 275, Manchester 190. Trimble goes to pick up her trophy, which is presented by Wendy Cope, who declares it an exciting final. She claims to watch every week, as she has done for over 40 years, and thinks it is difficult to do a calculation in front of television cameras. Paxman thanks all the contestants and all the viewers, and bids us farewell until the next series.
8.45pm: Well, it was a dramatic quick-fire end (which the hamster-driven Guardian systems couldn't keep up with). Trimble certainly deserves the weird book-end thing she's been presented with as a token of her triumph. Let the blogosphere ranting about whether she's too smug or whether she's a pin-up for the 21st century commence. Goodnight!
