United Airlines has announced plans to charge passengers for the use of overhead storage compartments on flights. This latest move in United’s long quest to deny its customers any semblance of human dignity is being touted as a cost-saving measure, as passengers without luggage will now be able to buy “basic economy” tickets. But why stop there?
How about a “risk-taker express” ticket that offers deeply discounted flights on outdated or damaged aircraft, arranging charges around the odds that the plane will reach its destination safely? Flights of this type might prove popular to and from Las Vegas, serving gambling addicts looking for either an early start to their risk-taking or one last buzz on their way back home.
Speaking of buzz, the “allergy-free economy” ticket could take advantage of the government subsidies paid to anyone willing to raise bees by offering flights with apiaries installed in steerage. Sure, some people might get stung, but those unlucky bee magnets could be compensated with discounted in-air entertainment options.
That said, in-air entertainment and the requisite licensing fees are probably an expense United won’t continue paying for long. Here’s an idea: start a special program that scouts and trains improv enthusiasts too broke for the costly classes offered at academies like Upright Citizens Brigade as flight attendants. They can run scenes between handing out thimbles full of soda and burlap rags to anyone in need of a blanket. Who wouldn’t thrill at watching a group of dedicated amateurs fumble their way through a scene about, say, a robot waiting in line at the DMV at 36,000 feet?
There’s a chance the flight crew might get too deeply involved in their scene work and neglect passengers, but that could be prevented by replacing the little bell that sounds when the call button is pressed with the screech of a colicky baby.
If United really wants to make some money, how about packing business class with cameras that live-stream footage of the passengers eating their in-flight meal to a specially selected group of internet trolls encouraged to comment on each passenger’s appearance? These comments could be broadcast on the screens built into the back of every seat, with a $20 charge to turn the screens off.
In basic economy class, passengers could be separated from their family and friends and sat beside people whose political beliefs they are diametrically opposed to, forced to watch footage of Donald Trump’s election-night victory speech together and charged for earplugs.
While United’s basic economy plan has been met with criticism, all might potentially be forgiven should the airline apply a $300 charge to customers who choose to remove their shoes mid-flight.
