In Swift's Gulliver's Travels the greatest satirist of all describes the Big-enders and the Little-enders and their irreconcilable differences over which end of the egg you should crack open. Egg chasers of the world unite? Not on their rucking life.
It's a truism of the radio phone-in game that any debate about the relative merits of union and league has nothing to do with rugby. It brings out age-old, on-going, indelible tribal divisions; north v south, oiks v toffs, terraced rows v dreaming spires, polyester v cotton. Swift would love it.
The North-enders are a rum lot who occasionally get jolly chippy but they have a point when the South-enders and their media Myrmidons go weak at the knees over what magnificent athletes Jason Robinson and Andy Farrell are. They were magnificent athletes long before they flew the pigeon loft to union. Farrell has had more column inches in the last two weeks than in his entire league career as the Lilliputian hordes walk all over him agonising over exactly where they're going to put the gentle giant.
But there is something of a more contemporary satire about union's treatment of Farrell. They saw him and, like Little Britain's wheelchair-bound Andy, said:
"I want that one."
"Are you sure?"
"Yeah"
"But what are you going to do with him?"
"I want that one."
It is symptomatic of the fixation that those within union, as opposed to its camp followers, have about the other code. As Jonathan Davies told me, "Union has copied the patterns of league and most of the defensive coaches are ex-league players." But one league big shot reckons it's an obsession that has caused union to become, at times, mesmerised by the mediocre. "I can't believe a lot of these guys are defence coaches. Michael Ford - if he was your last man it was white-flag time - and Graham Steadman and Shaun Edwards? Shall we say tackling wasn't their forte."
Imitation is the sincerest form of larceny, so can league survive? The last big-time players who went north were Scott Gibbs and Scott Quinnell and that was before the motor car was invented. At the moment it is, to all intents and purposes, one-way traffic and players aren't crossing codes because they're allergic to nylon. Jason Robinson made it clear why he left "kick and clap".
"I thought the door was opening to a larger world and my story could be shared on a much bigger scale. I could make it clear to a new, far broader audience about how the Lord had turned things around for me." League casts envious eyes on union's international profile but league can thank the Lord that they have a spectacular crop of young players coming through and some of the greatest supporters in sport.
The clubs are intrinsic to the social fabric of the towns and communities passionately identify with their local teams in a way that Newcastle, Sale and even Gloucester and Bath can only dream of. The boot of envy is on the other foot. Alan Tait was brilliant in both codes. He represented Great Britain and the Lions and when he starred for Scotland I loved it because it meant one less person in the team like the rugger-buggers I went to school with and never much cared for. I asked him which of the two games he'd rather watch. "In union there's still a chance for too many cheap shots - stamping on legs, hitting men at the side of rucks and in the breakdown area. League have cleaned up but union can't seem to."
But which one would he rather watch? He delivered his verdict slower than an X Factor judge.
"Well, it's difficult. A bad game is a bad game in both and it's great watching two top teams in both, but because even in top international games in union the crowds are pretty quiet my answer would be league. Two sides in a grand final. It is more like a football atmosphere. The crowds are much better." This weekend's mouthwatering showpiece between Hull and St Helens will be a fantastic case in point.
My own epiphany came when I started watching satellite TV in the early 90s. Until then RL had been that depressing brown splodge of childhood memory - a grinding bore in Eddie Waring's winter quagmire. Then I saw some Aussie games and now I love it. League and union will never merge. The differences may be minuscule, but they're cavernous.
