Home cooks finishing up Thanksgiving shopping lists and rearranging patio chairs for an outdoor feast got a word last week from the U.S. Centers for Disease Control that landed like an off-color joke at the holiday table.
"As (COVID-19) cases continue to increase rapidly across the United States," the CDC warned, "the safest way to celebrate Thanksgiving is to celebrate at home."
For those trying to adhere to federal and state guidance on preventing the spread of the novel coronavirus — and still enjoy a small, safe Thanksgiving dinner with friends or family — the CDC's admonishment was heartbreaking. And forecasts for rising case counts well into December suggest it's starting to look like a socially distanced Christmas, as well.
But just as people have found ways to honor other milestones throughout the pandemic, faith leaders and mental health professionals say it's possible to sacrifice some of the intimacy of traditional gatherings and still have a meaningful holiday season.
After months of mostly staying home, it's natural to feel deflated at the prospect of curtailing Thanksgiving and Christmas festivities too, said Lisa Ficker, a clinical health psychologist with Breyta Psychological Services in Raleigh. She co-authored a blog post in December 2019 titled "Coping with the Holiday Blues" about how hard it is when idealized holiday visions don't get realized.
That's likely to happen to many people this year.
"What I'm seeing is a lot of emotional burnout," Ficker said — people who over the past eight months have stress-eaten too much food, binge-watched too much TV and become alienated from people they once loved over the politics of the coronavirus response or the outcome of the election.
Normally, the holidays might provide an emotional salve at such a time, through the renewal of familiar traditions that include get-togethers with family, friends and coworkers.
"That's the challenging thing," Ficker said. "We want familiarity. But the familiar way of doing things doesn't come without a great deal of risk, and it's risk to society as well as one another.
"That's where we need to remind ourselves that one of the skills of being human is learning to adapt new ways of doing things."
Some of the Facebook followers of Raleigh's Highland United Methodist Church have tried something new for Thanksgiving. The church bought an online devotional package called "30 Days Thankful" that launched Nov. 1 and offers a daily Bible verse or a quote from a hymn and asks participants a question about what they're thankful for.
Janet Baucom, minister of communications and spiritual formation for the church, said the effort is based on the body of psychological research that has found that intentionally practicing gratitude is beneficial for mental health and emotional resilience.
"One of my favorite questions," Baucom said, "was, 'What are you thankful for even when it's really hard to be thankful?'
"That is probably the over-arching question for me throughout this season: Even when there are so many things that are hard, is there something that you can still, at the end of the day, be genuinely thankful for? That kind of gratitude is good for you. It changes how you see your circumstance for the better."
Based on answers they have posted, church members are feeling grateful for their friends and family but also, Baucom said, "Having a warm and safe home to be in right now. Food on the table. Just the very basic things."
For those who are struggling with the sense of isolation imposed by the pandemic, Baucom said, "It may help to know they are not alone in feeling alone."
She and others suggest working deliberately to connect with others through any safe means possible, including phone calls, Facetime, Skype, Zoom, Google meetings or old-fashioned letter-writing.
Ficker agrees, and says many people have become more aware of the value of their friendships and family connections because not being able to see others has made it clear how important they are to our lives.
"COVID has given a chance as a society to realize that love is what is keeping us alive," Ficker said. "It's not just avoiding sickness. We need one another emotionally."
Another way to stay upbeat through the holidays is to help others, which takes the focus off whatever is troubling a person and also serves as an antidote to feelings of helplessness and powerlessness in the face of something as pervasive as a worldwide pandemic, Ficker said.
Opportunities abound.
Donal Ware, spokesman for the Salvation Army of Wake County, said that so far, the non-profit doesn't have enough turkeys and other items needed to fill the Thanksgiving dinner basket requests it has. A list of items needed is available on the organization's web site at salvationarmycarolinas.org, and items can be delivered through Tuesday and still be collected by hopeful families in time for the holiday. The Salvation Army's office, called the Center of Hope, is at 1863 Capital Boulevard in Raleigh. Cash gifts are accepted online.
This year, Donal said, there also is a shortage of volunteer bell-ringers, those brass-clapper-wielding folks who tend the signature red kettles where donors give the money that support the Salvation Army's social service work throughout the year. Volunteers willing to work two-hour shifts can sign up through the Salvation Army's website.
The organization also needs help buying Christmas gifts for more than 7,700 children ages 12 and under through the annual Angel Tree program, which is expected to see more applicants this year than in years past because of job losses and reduced working hours brought about by COVID-19. Sponsors can get names and information from Angel Trees set up inside Crabtree Valley and Triangle Town Center malls.
Wake County Human Services' Holiday Cheer program needs some help, too, said Aryn Banks, who manages the 20-year-old effort to brighten Thanksgiving and Christmas for those in need.
While she hasn't had time to count, she said applications for help are running well above previous years. As an indicator of the economic difficulties of the time, she has had several families this year ask to be put on the list for help who in years past were reliable sponsors for others in need.
The program aims to help at least 1,500 individuals, Banks said, and if more apply, they're added to a waiting list in case additional sponsors offer help.
"Normally," Banks said, "I don't have a waiting list until after Thanksgiving. Right now, I have 30 families on the waiting list already.""
Banks keeps two databases: one of the families asking for help and one of the sponsors offering to provide it. She pores over the two looking for the best matches. She often needs sponsors who speak Spanish, but this year, she said, she's also in search of ones fluent in French and Swahili.
Unless they prefer to be anonymous, sponsors get to meet and interact with the families they help through Holiday Cheer, which is one reason Banks believes some donors have participated every year since it launched. If they're not able to shop for a family, sponsors also can donate gift cards or cash through the program.
"What sponsors get out of this is a fulfillment of holiday cheer themselves," Banks said. "Holiday cheer is not just about receiving. It's also about giving. When individuals are able to give, there's something about that that is so fulfilling.
"With this pandemic, I think that there are more people in need," Banks said. "But I also think that people's hearts have opened more."
Ficker, the psychologist, said that spirit will get many through the holidays.
"One of the main problems with the holidays is that many people idealize what other people are experiencing, and then maybe feel that their experience is somehow odd or abnormal if they're not really, really happy," Ficker said. "I think we can all give ourselves some grace or a pat on the back this year. It's just a matter of surviving it and finding what joy we can.
"That may come in many different packages. It doesn't need to be in the form of a perfectly decorated home. It may just be reaching out to old friends you haven't talked to in a long time."
This year, Ficker said, "may be a chance to focus not so much on the look of the holiday and maybe more on the essence of it."
