VASE-ICAL?
Buoyed, cheered and generally heartened by the sight of Tottenham Hotspur piling some Big Cup hurt on German league leaders Borussia Dortmund on Wednesday night, Arsenal fans can look forward to some fun of their own when their team goes toe to toe with the works team of a tractor factory in Belarus tonight in Euro Vase. Bate Borisov are the opposition in the first knockout round and while most of their players are unknown outside their native country, there will at least be one recognisable face among the ranks.
Currently enjoying his fifth separate spell at the club, Alexander Hleb spent three happy years at Arsenal but expects his team to be a little rusty because they haven’t played an actual game since the middle of December and are likely to be about as match fit as your sedentary Fiver nursing a groin injury, a stinking hangover and several kilos of excess winter blubber. “It will be hard for us, and very much so,” he said. “But we will try to squeeze the maximum out of the physical form that we have gained. The usual preparation is under way. We held a training camp in Turkey and got into shape, as far as possible at the current stage. It is clear that we did not achieve ideal conditions in such a short time. But we will try to look decent at home.”
Whether or not he’ll be looking decent is anyone’s guess (it is Valentine’s Day after all), but Mesut Özil will also be absent, the Arsenal playmaker having been left at home because [Fiver consults official Arsenal party line] although he’s recovered from the illness given as the reason for him not travelling to Huddersfield last weekend, he hasn’t trained often enough to be ready for an encounter with a team of vastly inferior players who have hardly run a lap of the training ground between them since long before Christmas. Interestingly, when he did deign to set foot on the training pitch on Tuesday, the German was rocking a double-snood around his neck and head which suggested the chilliness of the Belarusian winter may not be for him. And that he’s never heard of the beanie hat.
In other Euro Vase news, the players of Chelsea will be whiling away their Valentine’s evening in the Swedish city of Malmö, where few vistas are more romantic than the sunset view over Ribersborg beach. A famously discerning bunch renowned for their appreciation of local culture while on their travels, Chelsea fans who take time out to appreciate it are in for a treat.
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QUOTE OF THE DAY
“He built character and determination in those young players and prepared them for the future. He was a teacher, he gave these players a path, a choice and he only did that through his own hard work and sacrifice. He was able to impart that education to the young which made him one of the greatest coaches of our time” – Sir Alex Ferguson pays tribute to former Manchester United youth team coach and mentor to the Class of ‘92, Eric Harrison, who has died aged 81.
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FIVER LETTER
“In response to Simon Toms, I had a different experience when taking my new girlfriend to Fratton Park in 2002 for a Division One game against Wimbledon. Like Simon, I thought Fratton Park’s raucous atmosphere would win her over and set her up as a Pompey fan for life. I wasn’t sure if it was having the desired effect until about midway through the second half I look round to see my girlfriend stood on her seat, pointing at Neil Shipperley and shouting abuse at the ex-Saint. That’s when I knew. Seventeen years later we are now married with two children” – Ben Williams.
“I took my godson Elliot to my beloved Villa Park for his first ever Premier League match. We were playing Everton and Elliot spent the scoreless first half asking if we were winning yet. To make up for the disappointment I promised him chips at the end of the game. He spent the second half trying to bid me up to a pair of goalkeeping gloves which he ‘really needed’. Two late goals from Everton (and no goalkeeping gloves) topped the day off beautifully and hockey quickly became his sport of choice” – Katie Maddock.
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And you can always tweet The Fiver via @guardian_sport. Today’s winner of our letter o’the day is … Ben Williams, who wins a copy of Ronald Reng’s Matchdays: The Hidden Story of the Bundesliga. Plenty more prizes to come.
NEWS, BITS AND BOBS
A Briton was among four people stabbed in football-related clashes in central Rome, according to Italian media reports.
What does the Fiver’s favourite 2000s TV show and Mauricio Pochettino’s verdict of his Spurs players have in common? They were both called Heroes.
Gareth Bale has been reported to the Spanish FA for what everyone in the world calls an “up yours gesture” during Saturday’s Madrid derby, but which the Press Association has described by saying he “waved his right hand by his head before lowering the arm and then, as he began to raise it again, bringing his left hand down into the middle of it.”
POJM and co have received a £19.6m payoff by Manchester United for failing to get the best of Victor Lindelöf.
Oyston out? Oyston out!
And Mauro Icardi has responded to being stripped of the Inter captaincy in the best possible way: by refusing to play in the side’s Euro Vase match against Rapid Vienna. “There are things around that are disturbing him,” spooked coach Luciano Spalletti.
STILL WANT MORE?
You think you’re browned off about Brexit: what about Derry City? Ewan Murray went to see how they’ll cope with playing home games in the UK and away in the EU.
In other news: Brexit Numberwang – Premier League Special!
Bet you thought Harry Winks was no good when you first saw him, didn’t you? Not any more. David Hytner celebrates him running the show for Spurs against Borussia Dortmund.
Uwe Rösler is a hard-nosed old boy, as it turns out. Marcus Christenson and Andreas Bergman put their heads together to profile the Malmö manager ahead of their game against Chelsea.
Newport County’s Padraig Amond: the weirdest League Two footballer ever. Not our words, the words of … Newport County’s Padraig Amond, as told to Stuart James.
The very best of Gordon Banks, plus Aaron Ramsey’s Welsh predecessors at Juventus: that, and some stuff from less interesting sports than football, in this week’s Classic YouTube.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. And INSTACHAT, TOO!
