THE FIVER GOES SOMEWHERE CHEAP
The Fiver’s bald old German teacher, Herr Loss, seemed so eager to stress that the world’s most tea-timely football-related email was grammatically feminine that every time he read it he would passionately shout “DIE FIVER! DIE!” He may have also said something about it being verboten to steal gags from The Simpsons but The Fiver must have missed that lesson while we were off helping our loveably oafish dad set up a grease-recycling business. And we certainly won’t stand for any German teacher lecturing us about missing or misremembering important lessons, not after the performance of Marija Kurtes during the Women’s Under-19 European Championship qualifying tournament in Belfast, which you, reader, probably heard about, it having been all over the place.
For 95 minutes of England’s match against Norway last Saturday, all went smoothly for Kurtes, the German referee and qualified teacher who was officiating the game. But then, in the sixth minute of time added on, the referee spotted an infringement in the box and ordered a penalty, which Leah Williamson converted to seemingly salvage a 2-2 draw for England. So far, nothing to write home about or, indeed, to get sent home about. But then Kurtes goofed. Claiming that an England player had trespassed into the box as the spot-kick was being taken, the referee disallowed the goal – and rather than order a retake as per the rules, the German took a surprisingly hard line on the invasion and gave the ball back to Norway, who went on to win 2-1 and secure qualification for the finals.
Uefa waved the Scandinavians through but when made aware of the full details of the victory, the continent’s governing body felt compelled to calmly finish its fifth helping of maple syrup-coated chocolate truffle souffle and spring into action: incompetence and systemic inadequacy are one thing (or two things if you want to be less incompetent and inadequate about it), but Uefa has no truck with sheer ignorance or misapplication of the rules. So Kurtes was today sent home from the tournament and, only a matter of days after the mistake, England and Norway will replay the last seconds of their match, starting with a retake of the penalty.
“We originally wrote that Norway had qualified,” read a belch on the Uefa website. “But on 8 April the Uefa control, ethics and disciplinary body (CEDB) announced that Norway’s game against England on 4 April will be replayed from the minute a penalty kick was awarded to England, who were 2-1 down at the time.” Given that this has now become one of the most anticipated penalties of all time and the Norwegians can devote their entire buildup to studying Williamson’s form and technique, The Fiver will be full of admiration for her if she scores. But perhaps this is a time for England to look beyond its own self-interest and consider the greater interest of justice in sport? When the match resumes England should continually encroach into the area until football’s authorities wake up and abolish the rule that allows retakes after failure to abide by a simple rule. After all, Kurtes was not given a second chance.
LIVE ON BIG WEBSITE TONIGHT
Join Gregg Bakowski from 7pm BST for MBM coverage of Athletic Bilbao 1-2 Valencia in La Liga.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“I have decided that if there is no change in course between now and the end of the season, the players will go to a training camp … for an unlimited period of time. It’s my decision. I want discipline. I have never failed to pay salaries or even delayed them. I have spent €386m on the purchase of players in 10 years and I demand commitment” – renowned shrinking violet and Napoli president Aurelio De Laurentiis is as mad as hell and not going to take it any more from his underperforming team.
RECOMMENDED VIEWING
“I remember Gilles Grimandi’s face … he couldn’t believe how much the English lads could drink” – Ray Parlour, the Romford Pelé himself, talks booze, Wenger and Lovejoy in the latest Guardian Football meets … video interview.
RECOMMENDED LISTENING
AC Jimbo is joined by Philippe Auclair, Barry Glendenning and Paul Doyle for the latest Football Weekly Extra podcast.
FIVER LETTERS
“Re: Zlaaatan.com (yesterday’s last line). What a brilliantly useful site. From flip-flops to bottle openers, it caters for all your Zlatan needs … although it did become strangely unresponsive when searching for ‘big games’” – Simon Cook.
“Re: the Devilfish anecdote (yesterday’s Fiver letters). Can I be one of the 1,057 non-pokery football fans that offer the more self-deprecating example offered by Wee Gordon Strachan: ‘So Gordon, any changes then?’ Strachan: ‘Naw, still 5ft 6in, ginger and a big nose’” – Peter Collins (and no non-pokery football fans).
“Jason Tew (yesterday’s letters) described a previous email by Nigel Byrne as ‘perfectly illustrating the demise of the working-class fan’. I can’t help thinking that the readership of a tea-timely email distributed by the Guardian is not the first place I’d look for working-class fans. However, I would speculate there are still a fair few readers who tell everyone they are working class despite many tell-tale signs of their middle class-ness” – Ed Taylor.
• Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet the Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is: Simon Cook.
JOIN GUARDIAN SOULMATES
Chances are that if you’re reading this tea-timely football email, you’re almost certainly single. But fear not – if you’d like to find companionship or love, sign up here to view profiles of the kind of erudite, sociable and friendly folk who would never normally dream of going out with you. And don’t forget, it’s not the rejection that kills you, it’s the hope.
BITS AND BOBS
Fresh off his dalliance with Torquay United, Paul Sturrock has charmed his way into a long-term relationship with Yeovil Town. “There are lots of good training players, it is battle conditions I have got to see them in,” roared Luggy.
Tactics Tim insists Tottenham did him a favour by sacking him after last season. They certainly did by hiring him in the first flipping place. “I wouldn’t be sitting here as Aston Villa manager if wasn’t for Tottenham Hotspur,” he showboated.
Meanwhile, Spurs keeper Hugo Lloris is a serious doubt for Saturday’s game with Aston Villa due to knee-knack.
Rotor Volgograd, 1995 Uefa Cup conquerors of Manchester United, have been wound up after going bankrupt.
The Erick Thohir era at Internazionale isn’t all that peachy and now there are reports that former club president Massimo Moratti could be set for a return. “I was surprised by what I read,” wibbled coach Roberto Mancini. “I have faith in Thohir’s work.”
And Arsène Wenger reckons the days of the club being a feeder for Manchester City are over. Asked if Jack Wilshere was planning on buying a one-way ticket on Do One Cross Country, he chest-beat: “You can imagine my answer and you can send it to Sky Sports News. We are not in a position any more where we have to sell our best players.”
STILL WANT MORE?
Notts County Ladies, plus Norwich and Brighton fans on a Night Boat to Cairo: it’s this week’s Classic YouTube.
Jack Kerr reports how Switzerland v USA! USA!! USA!!! exposed the hostility towards foreign-born internationals.
Midweek La Liga means bonus Sid Lowe. His blog focuses on the end for Victor Fernández at Deportivo.
Brendan Rodgers knows Liverpool need to raise their game if he’s to win a first trophy at the club in the FA Cup, writes Paul Wilson.
Here’s a nice little interview with Bournemouth’s Tommy Elphick.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace.
SIGN UP TO THE FIVER
Want your very own copy of our free tea-timely(ish) email sent direct to your inbox? Has your regular copy stopped arriving? Click here to sign up.
DEAR DOCTOR, THE FIVER CAN’T COME IN TOMORROW AS IT’S COME DOWN WITH A NASTY DOSE OF GOLF FEVER!
