A GAME THEY’VE HAD TO MOVE SO IT DOESN’T CLASH WITH THE PROPER MATCHES AT HOME PARK AND WHADDON ROAD
The Fiver’s fast-talking, bull-hating, cape-waving, castanet-clacking, siesta-taking Spanish cousin Juan Miguel Manuel Ole! Ole! Ole! Lispy Bit Fiver is even more excitable than usual today. The reason? It’s only the blummin’ clásico this weekend, a chance for the world to get giddy as the two Spanish heavyweights clash at the Bernabéu like two whopping great slabs of serrano ham. It’s also the perfect opportunity to publish ludicrous stories predicting a sorry descent to hell for whichever manager loses and pointless statistics showing which team would be the dominant force if Lionel Messi and Him didn’t exist and only goals scored in the 17th minute of this fixture counted. Yes, it’s the kind of match that everyone wants to have their ill-thought-through tuppence worth on, even unfunny emails with a deadline to meet and a stack of personal admin to catch up on.
Despite having lost just once in La Liga as Real Madrid boss – the same as Barcelona this season – and scored more goals and conceded fewer than their Catalan rivals, Rafa Benítez is obviously under pressure, what with Real being three points behind Barcelona and there being only 81 left to play for. The good news for Benítez is that Him and Gareth Bale have been able to spend the past two weeks working out the exact height their shorts need to be to get the floodlights to optimise the appearance of their bulging thighs. “Not a bandage, not a twinge, not a minute more with the physios. Gareth Bale comes into the clásico in a perfect state of health,” trumpeted Real Madrid fanzine Marca on Friday morning.
And then there’s Lil’ Leo Messi’s expected return to throw into the Bernabéu hot pot. The Barcelona forward has been absent with knee-knack for 54 days, seven hours, 13 minutes and 53.34678 seconds, not that anyone has been obsessing about when he will be back wearing a Barça shirt. No siree. Luis Suárez has been saying nice things about the little Argentinian and his strike partner in Messi’s absence, Neymar, who has been in the kind of razor-sharp form The Fiver has never threatened to find in more than a decade. In fact, Suárez’s words were so complimentary they may well have caused Him to trip over His dolls scattered around Him Towers as He rushed to the phone to demand a sequel to Him The Movie, another exhaustive study of Him that proves once and for all time that He is the greatest person who ever lived. Yes, even greater than Timmy Mallett.
“Leo is above any other player due to what he has achieved and what he is still doing,” cheered Suárez. “Ney is amazing, behind Messi and could easily be the second best in the world. At the moment he is playing incredibly and it is great to see. We knew that we were going to be without Leo and that we had to be strong both physically and mentally. We have lost some points as have Madrid but we are happy because we have picked up good results without the best player in the world.” Oof! And former Barcelona president Joan Laporta has been flapping his gums too, suggesting that it’s time He saw Himself out of the Bernabéu door marked Do One [they’re anglophiles in Madrid? – Fiver Ed]. “I’m not surprised by everything that’s going on [with Him],” blurted Laporta, taking a big spoon to a pot and getting a stirring motion in action. “He’s a player who’s at a point in [His] career when [He] should consider other options. The market’s quite strong right now,” he added, making Him sound like a bitcoin or some other fancy currency we can’t understand.
Anyway, the stuff going on is the stuff that always appears to be going on around Him, speculation that He’s about to leave and is not getting on with the Real Madrid manager, the current one being Benítez, but it could be anyone and the same old tune would be playing daily in the Spanish press. “I have lots of respect for your profession as journalists but the story about this meeting is completely false,” snorted Rafa on Friday. “I don’t like being in second place, we want to be first of course, but we have the chance to sort that out tomorrow.” The Fiver’s going to tune out of the noise surrounding the game now, not least because it sounds as pointless and repetitive as Rocket To Uranus by the Vengaboys. Hit mute. Enjoy the football. Bye.
LIVE ON BIG WEBSITE
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“It wasn’t about money – it was about ambition and professionalism. I didn’t want to think ‘what if’. What I have here is more mind blowing. I’m happy with what I have here. This was the best option by a mile – to stay here” – fresh from waltzing down the M4 to hold talks over Fulham’s managerial vacancy, Reading manager Steve Clarke waltzes right back down the westbound carriageway.
FIVER LETTERS
“Wow, I thought qualifying for Euro 2016 would have been a fillip for Norn Iron” – Kristian Karamfiles.
“Re: Leyton Orient’s stay in a hotel (yesterday’s Fiver). The ‘romantically-challenged stationery sales rep staying in the hotel’ mentioned in the piece could try and woo someone with the line: ‘I’m going to take you to the Orient tonight.’ I bet The Fiver has never been able to come up with such chat-up lines” – Mark Judd.
“An ardent Indian Fiver reader for the past couple of years, I find it quite hilarious. However, I’ve tried to convince a lot of my mates as to the The Fiver’s hilariousness, but these attempts have been quite fruitless. If I may add to the outfield goalie conversation (Fiver letters passim): in India these were called ‘Russian goalkeepers’, who would quite often run through midfield, play one-twos and take shots on goal” – Sinan Tejani.
“Re: oddly regional rules of rush/stick/fly goalie. Nothing has confused me more than the vast array of rules when playing heads and volleys (aka, Wembley/Horse/Bounce/Ringer) with people from other counties. Heated debates regularly ensue regarding exactly what counts as a volley, whether a fumbled catch is a catch, and quite whether ‘over saves all’ or not. My favourite was a rule allowing you to regain a life for scoring an overhead kick, resulting in a fascinating yet painful demonstration of our combined lack of gymnastic ability” – Tom Sharp.
“At primary school we operated with a rule where the keeper could, on conceding yet again, cry ‘no goal, keeper touched it!’ and have it chalked off. The reasoning for this presumaby being that we were so feeble, there was simply no other way to keep to a respectable scoreline such as 23-18. I’ve got five-a-side tonight. I might try to bring it back” – Liam McGuigan.
“Can’t help but notice that the standard of Fiver letters has risen sharply over the past week or so. The more cynical among us can almost assume that some of our number persist in slogging through The Fiver’s daily output simply in an attempt to reply wittily to the previous day’s effort simply to chance their hand at being granted a copy of Football Manager. I myself am above such things … unless there’s a copy lying around of course” – Jack Roe.
• Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet the Fiver. Today’s winner of our letter o’the day is Kristian Karamfiles, who receives a copy of Football Manager 2016 courtesy of the very kind people at Football Manager Towers. We’ve got loads more copies to give away, so if you haven’t been lucky thus far, keep trying.
JOIN GUARDIAN SOULMATES
Chances are that if you’re reading this tea-timely football email, you’re almost certainly single. But fear not – if you’d like to find companionship or love, sign up here to view profiles of the kind of erudite, sociable and friendly folk who would never normally dream of going out with you. And don’t forget, it’s not the rejection that kills you, it’s the hope.
RECOMMENDED VIEWING
Here’s our animated guide to El Clásico and the rivalry between Real Madrid and Barcelona.
BITS AND BOBS
Just because Swansea City manager Garry Monk is paranoid doesn’t mean they’re not out to get him. “I think it’s people trying to take things out of context and have an agenda behind it,” he parped. “I don’t have to be spoken to by anyone to understand my situation, you have to get results, it’s as simple as that.”
Manchester United will head to Vicarage Road without Anthony Martial, Wayne Rooney, Michael Carrick and Marouane Fellaini for Saturday’s game with Watford. “We have a big problem, I think,” mused Louis van Gaal.
José Mourinho insists he won’t be stalking the Chelsea board for new signings in January. “I don’t need to ‘clean’ the dressing room, as I heard has been written,” he trilled, glaring at a poor work experience bod with a bucket and mop. “And I don’t need to ask the club to spend money in January.”
Sergio Agüero has been passed fit to embarrass Dejan Lovren and Martin Skrtel when Manchester City host Liverpool on Saturday.
Bury boss David Flitcroft has got the right funk on after Paddy Kenny walked out on the club after picking up calf-knack. “He doesn’t feel like he is going to earn his money now,” sniffed Flitcroft. “Quite incredibly he has decided he wants to cancel the contract.”
And Falkirk’s chairman reckons it’s high time Scottish fitba introduced a 16-team Premiership. Bet he does. “I believe that we must put vested interest aside and reform our leagues,” blootered Doug Henderson, before getting his Family Fortunes on: “Playing other clubs four times a season is not attractive to most football supporters – as surveys show.”
STILL WANT MORE?
Gregg Bakowski relives Alan Shearer’s boot-on-ball violence with the Newcastle man’s 2002 thunder-volley against Everton in the latest from our Golden Goal series.
Neymar’s got out the cigar, whiskey and silk dressing gown – and his emergence as lord of the manor is why Barça aren’t pining for Messi before El Clásico, writes Sid Lowe.
Raheem Sterling might be about to cop a Kopful of vitriol, but Andy Hunter thinks the England international is better off at Manchester City.
How do Chelsea win a six-pointer against Norwich? Loïc Rémy might be the answer according to one of 10 talking points for the weekend’s Premier League action.
How should a referee react when a player barges into them? Clue: a Holly Holm roundhouse is not the answer. Solve this and more in Paul Trevillion’s You are the Ref.
And Tim Hill has the skinny on the Major League Soccerball Conference finals.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace.
SIGN UP TO THE FIVER
Want your very own copy of our free tea-timely(ish) email sent direct to your inbox? Has your regular copy stopped arriving? Click here to sign up.
