Two Horses Yeeted Jockeys Off Their Backs, Fled A Beach Race Galloped Around Surfers Paradise

In news which has made my day, neigh year, two horses threw their jockeys off and hightailed it out of the Magic Millions beach race on the Gold Coast on Tuesday. As they bloody should, I say. Per the ABC, the jockeys were launched from their horses towards the end of the race. If I were a horse and had to choose a moment to yeet a jockey off my back, I too would do it at the end. Give ’em the ol’ razzle dazzle and go out with a bang. As for why they were racing, I am fully aware that my one job as a professional writer is to acquire knowledge about events so that I can regurgitate it into witty stories. But there is literally no part of my being which is beckoning me to understand what a Magic Millions beach race is. I disagree with horse racing and quite literally everything it stands for, thus I refuse to poison my brilliant, innocent mind with anything pertaining to the activity. All we need to know is the horses were running along the beach, seemingly gained sentience and came to the realisation that horse racing is deeply shit, threw their jockeys off and ran into the streets of Surfers Paradise. They’d had enough of racing merely for the enjoyment of humans and wanted to be at one with suburbia. It’s real Pixar shit and frankly, I’m obsessed.

The iconic Magic Millions race day has kicked off on the Gold Coast – but not everyone was enjoying their time on the sand. @9ChloeRobinson #9News pic.twitter.com/Qzg776t4Nu

— 9News Australia (@9NewsAUS) January 10, 2023

Scott Morrison tiny tackle victim 9News horse whisperers à la Robert Redford

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Now, before anyone sends me an angry email along the lines of “THE JOCKEYS COULD’VE BEEN HURT AND THE HORSES COULD’VE RUN INTO TRAFFIC OR BOWLED OVER A TODDLER” there’s no need to panic! A Magic Millions spokesperson told the ABC the horsies and jockeys escaped unscathed! No small children were knocked to the ground à la noted soccer star and his ! According to , the horses were gallivanting around town for about 20 minutes. At least 10 people, who clearly were not , tried catching the fair beasts but were unsuccessful. The horses zipped down The Esplanade and made a beeline for the Gold Coast Highway when they were eventually caught on Alberta Avenue and placed in a horse float. Truly ah-neigh-zing scenes. Waiting for all the horses at this year’s Melbourne Cup to be radicalised by these brave thoroughbreds and follow in their hoof prints. Vive la equine révolution.