NO TEMPTING FATE, FENERBAHCE STYLE
The year 2016 will always be primarily remembered for Leicester City’s absurd triumph in the Premier League. But the Foxes were not the only underdogs to achieve amazing things last year. Hibernian won the Scottish Cup for the first time in 114 years, for example, becoming only the second team in history from outside the top division to lift the famous old trophy. Also north of the border, brave little The Pope’s Newc O’Rangers completed their journey to the big league (think of them as the Gretna de nos jours, albeit with slightly less secure finances). And most improbably of all, Manchester City finally had a long and meaningful run in Big Cup, a mere 48 years after Malcolm Allison promised to sweep the entire continent aside while playing like Real Madrid, only to get knocked out in the very first round while playing like Manchester City.
Yes, times have changed all right. And after reaching the semi-finals for the first time ever, then giving eventual champions Madrid a decent game, City are hopeful of building on that achievement in 2017. They’ve already beaten Barcelona during this campaign, and while that doesn’t mean much in itself these days, the Catalans having shot their bolt and reverted to their underachieving 1980s mean, City are also on a nine-match unbeaten run at home in Big Cup, and now boast a manager who has never, ever, ever lost a Round of Arsenal tie in his entire career. Tuesday’s match at the Etihad in the last 16 should be a shoo-in, then, yes? Yes?
Well, you’d have thought so, wouldn’t you. But the thing is, Tuesday’s visitors to the Etihad are Monaco, who have spent the majority of the last two decades giving English sides disrespectful cuffs upside the head. In 1997, they put Newcastle out of Euro Vase last eight. A year later, Manchester United were seen off at the same stage of Big Cup. In 2004, a Chelsea side managed by Claudio Ranieri were dispatched from Big Cup’s semis. And a couple of years ago, Monaco knocked Arsenal out of Big Cup at the London nearly men’s eponymous stage. Admittedly that last one counts for even less than beating Barcelona, but you get the general drift.
Monaco also beat Spurs home and away in the group stage earlier this season, and currently lead the French league having scored 26 more goals than the Paris St-Germain side who embarrassed Barça so comprehensively last week. So last-16 expert Pep Guardiola isn’t counting any chickens. “As a spectator, it is so nice to see them. I am really impressed how good they are. A complete team. It is the most successful team in Europe in terms of scoring goals and a tough draw. I’m looking forward to playing against them and seeing what our level is. I just have compliments because they are a really good team.” High praise indeed; effusive doesn’t even begin to describe it. Bizarro Allison just about does.
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QUOTE OF THE DAY
19 September 2015: “There’s no racism in Russia, because it doesn’t exist. It is something against the opposition, not against a person. Racism in Russia is like fashion. It comes from abroad, from different countries. It was never, ever here before. Ten years ago, some fans may have given a banana to black guys – it was just for fun” – clued-up Alexei Smertin expounds on a problem that doesn’t exist.
21 February 2017: “[I will] put every effort into keeping racism and discrimination out of the story of football in my country” – clued-up Alexei Smertin is appointed as the Ethics World Cup’s anti-racism inspector.
FIVER LETTER
“As a rubbish Monday night five-a-sider, I feel we’ve been cruelly overlooked in your august publication (yesterday’s Fiver). I would take issue with your description of the opposition as half-fit chancers, though. They aren’t that fit. They can but dream of achieving the athletic body mass index of a Lincoln centre forward” – Mick Ward.
• Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … Double rollover.
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BITS AND BOBS
Another one bites the crust: publicity-hungry Sutton United reserve keeper Wayne Shaw has been resigned amid FA and Gambling Commission investigations into his conduct, after he admitted knowing there were odds against him tucking into a slab of pastry before he did so during their 2-0 FA Cup defeat to Arsenal. “A few of the lads said to me earlier on: ‘What is going on with the 8-1 about eating a pie?’” he parped. “I said: ‘I don’t know, I’ve eaten nothing all day, so I might give it a go later on.’ I thought I would give them a bit of banter.”
Blackeye Rovers have given Owen Coyle the boot. “The decision has been taken in order to give the club the best possible chance of climbing to a position of safety in the Championship,” chirped the Venky’s.
The good news just keeps on coming for Aston Villa strikers: Scott Hogan is likely to miss the rest of the season after suffering severe ankle-knack in the 2-0 defeat by Newcastle. “It doesn’t look good, the consequences of losing him are huge,” sniffed Villa boss Bernard Cribbins.
Fun and games in South America dept: the Brazilian match between Atlético Paranaense and Coritiba was abandoned moments before kick-off due to some preposterous YouTube livestream broadcast dispute.
Bayern have given Carlo Ancelotti their backing for flicking the bird at gobby Hertha fans. “Basically we find the human reaction of Carlo Ancelotti with the gesture to be emotionally understandable after the nasty spitting attack,” tooted the club, while German FA bods ordered the Italian to chip €5,000 in for charidee.
And Bayer Leverkusen ultras, who have been at odds with the club over banners and the use of fireworks, will boycott all home games until further notice – starting in Big Cup against Atético Madrid. “We as the group Ultras Leverkusen and all other ultra-orientated groups in the Nordkurve will stop all activities at Bayer Leverkusen home games with immediate effect,” roared an ultras tracksuit.
STILL WANT MORE?
David Squires on … Lincoln City’s Big Man v Joey Barton, Wolf from Gladiators (obviously) and Super Soaraway Sutton United.
Sid Lowe on the rise and reinvention of Steven N’Zonzi.
Floating football brain in a jar Jonathan Wilson dons his slim-fit suit and Chelsea boots as he revisits the 1960s to answer The Question: have full-backs completed their conversion to full-blown attackers?
Arsenal’s stroll in the suburbs was just a minor diversion in the Arsène Wenger endgame, according to our very own man in the suburbs, Barney Ronay.
Martin Laurence previews all the Big Cup ties this week so that you don’t have to – and then, in case that wasn’t already enough, he reveals his teams of the week from Europe’s leading leagues.
A trip down memory lane: The Joy of Six … great footballs.
And fancy going to see Chelsea v Swansea on 25 February? Win a pair of (home) tickets by answering one utterly un-Googleable question.
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