SALAH DAYS
Liverpool have officially completed the signing of Egyptian wonder-winger Mohamed Salah from Roma. Both clubs have confirmed that the deal has been done. So has the player himself. Photographic evidence has been supplied to give the whole caper an air of finality. Excited quotes from all parties have been passed around like hot blather about Virgil van Dijk’s sporting proclivities. But don’t go picking Salah for your fantasy teams just yet, that’s The Fiver’s advice. Because anyone who has even flicked through the recently published 53,761-page collection of Liverpool’s Amazing Transfer Market Misadventures (Volume I) knows there is still plenty of time for this deal to go the way of Wile E Coyote’s most cunning wheezes.
The Fiver isn’t saying that Liverpool will somehow blow up the apparently legitimate transfer contract with 10 tonnes of Acme dynamite, nor drop a giant anvil on Salah’s right big toe, it’s just that we’re not completely ruling out the possibility of one of the club’s suits putting the crucial paperwork through a washing machine or giddily posting the registration documents to the Irish Farmers’ Association instead of England’s FA. Salah may be all smiles in today’s publicity shots but not until we see his top lip twitching at the sight of interaction between Simon Mignolet and Dejan Lovren at Vicarage Road on the opening day of next season will we believe that Salah is a Liverpool player for real.
And if Salah is there at that time, then what a capture he could prove to be. Speedy, skilful, creative, full of goals and largely ignored by José Mourinho when he was a youngster, Salah has all the characteristics of a tip-top player. “Mohamed has the perfect mix of experience and potential – this is a really exciting signing for us,” drooled Jürgen Klopp while praying the news was not some kind of prank by the jokers he has become accustomed to dealing with around Anfield. “His record in Italy has been outstanding and he possesses qualities that will enhance our team and squad,” added the manager before running around his garden and high-fiving shrubbery as he considered the prospect of Salah hooking up with Sadio Mané, Philippe Coutinho and Roberto Firmino. Klopp decided not to think about what would happen if such firepower was not supported by a couple of defensive recruits and instead carried on frolicking around the lawn in a thoroughly entertaining manner, until he tripped over that porcelain tank ornament that some admirer, a Mr K Keegan, sent him through the post last season.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“Juventus offered a contract of €700,000-a-year, which was fine, but the problem is they had also promised me some tractors for my agricultural business in the Ivory Coast, but now they say there is no budget for them. I’ve got several hectares of land which I would like to cultivate with rice and corn” – Biorou Kean, father of red-hot 17-year-old forward Moise, wants his tractors or his son may do one on a free.
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AC Jimbo and co are back with the latest summer Football Weekly podcast.
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FIVER LETTERS
“The power of Fiver letters! So there you are at ‘tea-time’ yesterday and simultaneously my Leyton Orient letter is (thankfully) out of date. Becchetti has only gone and sold us to someone who seems entirely reasonable (in context that’s not too hard). Cheers Fiver letters. Truly your power moves in mysterious ways” – John De la Cruz.
“Good on The Fiver for highlighting the issues with accepting sponsorship money from betting firms et al (yesterday’s Fiver). But why stop there? For sponsors to qualify, all business dealings must obviously be beyond reproach in every way, and they must be free of any dubious affiliations. Here’s where the combined Fiver and readership could actually make a positive difference: let’s curate a list of morally acceptable industries. Er, hello? Anyone?” – Finn Jorgensen.
“I’d say after getting an eight-game ban for that brawl, Oscar must be regretting moving to China (yesterday’s Bits and Bobs). Then again, it’s not the first time an Oscar has gone to the wrong people” – Daniel Doody.
“I resisted this, I did, but your grammatically awful Matz Sels pun (yesterday’s Bits and Bobs) feels like it’s set me free. What do you call a Monreal that belongs to someone else? Nacho Monreal. I feel better now. I’m sure you don’t. But I do, and that’s all that matters” – Sam Carpenter.
“I dread to think how any religious Fiver readers would react had you made that sort of joke, back in the day, about Christian Fuchs” – Nick Dent.
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winners of our letters o’the day are … John De la Cruz and Daniel Doody, who get a copy of Proper Journalist David Conn’s brilliant new book, The Fall of the House of Fifa. Get in touch to claim your prize.
NEWS, BITS AND BOBS
The FA says that proceeds raised at the Community Shield between Arsenal and Chelsea – estimated at £1.25m – will be donated to a charity to assist victims of the Grenfell Tower fire.
Adrian ‘Aidy’ Boothroyd reckons it isn’t just his stunning tactical tinkering that has helped the England U-21s reach the Euro semi-finals. No, throwing cash at the youth set-up has helped too. “The building of St George’s Park … there has been some investment into it. I think it is starting to bear fruit,” he cheered.
For less than the price of The Very Best of Rod Stewart – featuring bangers such as Ruby Tuesday and Da Ya Think I’m $exy? – you can watch Premier League football if you’re a loyal Huddersfield Town fan.
Like new wave Basildon trio Depeche Mode, Peter Crouch, 87, just can’t get enough. “Getting to a certain age where people are supposed to be retiring has made me hungrier,” cooed the Stoke striker, reminding The Fiver of this. “I want to stay around for a lot longer yet. I love what I do. Coming in every day and playing football, then having a match at the end of it all, to work towards, is something that I’ve always loved and still want to do.”
And Fifa – fresh from this – says Ghana defender Samuel Inkoom will have to serve a one-year ban unless he pays debts owed to his Mr 15%, Andy Evans.
THE RECAP
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STILL WANT MORE?
Liverpool don’t have Eden Hazard or Willian in their squad, which is why Mohamed Salah will probably do the business at Anfield, according to floating football brain in a jar Jonathan Wilson.
Half a dozen moments that sum up a genius? The Fiver gets the Joy … What? Oh. Diego Maradona gets the Joy of Six treatment.
Patrik Schick is being likened to Zlatan Ibrahimovic after his £26m move to Juve from Sampdoria, writes Ed Aarons. No pressure then.
Why are Brazilians choosing England over Italy or Spain? <£££>Because of TV, computer games and high-profile signings</£££>, writes Tom Sanderson.
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