Twilight Saga: New Moon London premiere with Robert Pattinson

They were waxing not waning at the 'UK fan event' for The Twilight Saga: New Moon (aka New Moon, aka Twilight 2) at London's Battersea Evolution. All the stars come out at night, it seems; including Taylor Lautner, Kristen Stewart, Robert Pattinson and director Chris Weitz Photograph: Dave M Benett/Getty Images

And shining brightest of all: a certain Miss Chloe (daughter of Richard and Judy) Madeley, seen here with a mysterious guest who may also be a vampire, a parasite, or both Photograph: Jon Furniss/Jon Furniss/WireImage.com

So how does a 'UK fan event' differ from a UK premiere, exactly? This is one of the great mysteries of the Twilight Saga. Presumably the event's ushers know the answer, but be honest: would you dare to ask this band of gussied-up suburban goths? Photograph: Jon Furniss/Jon Furniss/WireImage.com

Where some fans have come as vampires, others tout themselves as sacrificial offerings. It is horrific. These virginal lambs positively demand to be bitten and drained by Twilight star Robert Pattinson. By dawn, their corpses will be littered throughout Battersea; pale as veal calves, their GCSE results a fading memory Photograph: Dave Hogan/Getty Images

'Bite me!' they shrill. 'Bite me!' And yet Pattinson shows few signs of stepping in to satisfy their death-wish and sate his unholy cravings. For the time being he is content to tease them; to make them wait Photograph: Jon Furniss/Jon Furniss/WireImage.com

And here he is. Watching, waiting. As cool as a cucumber and twice as beautiful. Only that enigmatic half-smile offers a clue to the carnage yet to come Photograph: Jon Furniss/Jon Furniss/WireImage.com

Then suddenly, the pounce! Fangs bared, Pattinson pitches wildly into the throng, provoking swoons in some and panic in others (who are apparently trying to ward him off with the Bible or something). Three seconds after this picture was taken, all of these teenagers were dead Photograph: Jon Furniss/Jon Furniss/WireImage.com

Pattinson's spree is the cue for co-star Taylor Lautner to join the party. His jaws are working like a threshing machine, and the exterior of Battersea Evolution is now painted in gore Photograph: Jon Furniss/Jon Furniss/WireImage.com

From the safety of the foyer, the assembled guests can only stare on, stupefied. Poor Kristen Stewart appears to have been plunged into a catatonic trance Photograph: Zak Hussein/PA

… Harry Potter star Bonnie Wright seems to be struggling to keep her dinner down … Photograph: Carl Court/AFP/Getty Images

… and even poor Chloe Madeley is forced to turn her back. The horror is so frenzied, and so all-encompassing, that she can scarcely bear to witness it Photograph: Eamonn McCormack/Eamonn McCormack/WireImage.com

And there, squelching through a pile of bodies, goes Pattinson, now bathed in a blood-red light. His teeth are stained and his belly is full and this UK fan event has turned into a feast Photograph: Dave Hogan/Getty Images

Anyway, that - in a nutshell - was the UK fan event for Twilight 2 (aka This Moon is New!). Isn't it about time they all went inside and actually watched the film in question? Or do we still have room for a second course? Photograph: Lefteris Pitarakis/AP