It may be an arbitrary measure, but there still feels something significant about the number of weekly worshippers in the Church of England falling below one million. So perhaps it’s time to remind ourselves of what the C of E has done for us … (Note: Not all of these are technically Anglican in origin, but the Church of England has maintained and popularised them. So there.)
1. Churches
I know, how obvious. But let’s not take them for granted. The Church of England is responsible for 45% of all of England’s grade-I listed buildings. It is responsible for three World Heritage Sites. It is, more than likely, responsible for the most beautiful building near where you live.
2. Hymns and the singing thereof
Yes, many are dreary and/or sentimental. But some are radiantly beautiful. You actually get to sing these things, too, if you want to, and no matter how ear-troubling your voice may be, you won’t ruin them.
3. Football chants
Without Cwm Rhondda, you probably wouldn’t be singing any more.
4. Brilliantly unusual words
“Chasuble”, anyone? “Monstrance”?
5. Choirs/choral music
Like olives and your vacuum cleaner’s crevice tool, the Church of England’s choral tradition is hard to appreciate when you’re young, but becomes wondrous when you’re over 30. Listen to Spem in Alium by Thomas Tallis, for goodness’ sake: written about 450 years ago, it sounds like a late 1970s Bowie/Eno collaboration. (You didn’t seriously come here expecting a Bowie-free zone, did you?) Uncool view alert: some modern church music (yes, yes, with guitars) is good too.
6. Lovely smells
Advice to entrepreneurs: make a fortune by bottling and selling the aroma of damp stone that hits you upon entering old churches. It simultaneously grounds you and transports you. Some Anglican churches use incense, the scent of which can take you to another place altogether; some believe it to possess mild antidepressant effects.
7. The church calendar
We’re increasingly keen on seasonality in food; the church calendar brings seasonality to everyday life. Everyone knows about Lent, but you may be interested to learn that we’re currently in the season of Epiphany (so it’s sort of still Christmas). And what’s that, Morrissey? Every day is like Sunday? Well, which Sunday? The fourth Sunday after Trinity? The sixth Sunday of Easter?
8. Exotic menswear
“There’s nothing more sinister as ministers in dresses.” Thus spake Shaun Ryder, albeit ungrammatically. And while I generally find him a sound guide in life, I find quarrel with him here, because it’s been acceptable for men to wear some profoundly unmanly clothes in churches for centuries. Nothing sinister about it. Liberating, Shaun. It’s liberating.
9. Normal words used strangely
In Anglican, “faculty” effectively means the same as “planning permission”. (When Bowie sings “One day, I’m gonna get that faculty together”, I like to think of him as adopting his most enigmatic persona of all: the Thin White Church Warden.) The Church of England is one of the few places where you may eat your host. Some of the dullest people imaginable get to be called “charismatic”. (Note: some of them are actually charismatic.)
10. The Book of Common Prayer
It’s a work of majesty pretty much unparalleled in the English language. “The devices and desires of our own hearts”; “The perils and dangers of this night”; “In the midst of life, we are in death”. Combine it with (5) and get choral evensong, one of the most wondrous ways you can spend an evening.
11. Food banks
These aren’t uniquely Anglican by any means, but without the Church of England’s remarkable reach – there’s a branch of the church in every community in England – countless more people would go hungry than do currently.
12. Compromise
The Church of England depends on it, thrives on it and is often brought down by it. It’s a glorious mess, and messily glorious and everyone everywhere can learn from it.
13. Literary inspiration
Austen, Trollope, Pym. Also televisual: Rev, Grantchester, the vicar from Dad’s Army.
14. Vicars and tarts parties
Wouldn’t work without vicars, would they? If you replaced vicars with something else – gardeners, say, or quantity surveyors – they’d lack that certain frisson.
15. Community
Individual churches are communities. The C of E as a whole is a community. The church supports communities; in countless villages and towns across the land, it’s the very lifeblood. It’s a bulwark against cultural individualism and personal loneliness.
16. Notorious clergy
Yes, stories of shamed priests are often sad and tragic but, by golly, some add considerably to the gaiety of the nation.
17. D-I-V-O-R-C-E
18. Church bells
I’ve actually heard people complain about church bells. To me, that’s like complaining about birdsong or the sound of the sea.
19. The King James Bible
You probably quote from it every day. English, and the English, simply wouldn’t be the same without it.
20. Places to worship
Somehow, somehow, it creates places both physical and emotional where people encounter God and change their lives, subtly, radically, beautifully. Every week.
