Twelve gifts to ruin the appetite

Ilchester Mexicana Cheeses & Bartons Chilli-Lilli Selection Basket (£6, from Asda). We kick off with a Christmas classic – the good old cheese gift set. This one, which comes with the slightly sinister tagline, ‘it bites back!’, has all the ingredients of a festive nightmare – shrink-wrapped cheese of an unnatural hue, and a punningly named pickle which will probably move house with you at least twice in the next 25 years. See also, cheap Stilton and port sets Photograph: guardian.co.uk

Talking Tankard (£8.66, from Argos) Unwrap this, and weep. Someone actually believes you are the kind of person who would find a novelty tankard amusing. This handsome gift will alert you to the fact that your drink is running low with witty banter such as ‘Danger of sobering up!’, thus guaranteeing a merry Christmas all round Photograph: guardian.co.uk

Pizza Boss 3000 (£9.99, from firebox.com) A modern take on the perennially useless pizza wheel, this cutter is – hilariously! – fashioned to resemble a circular saw. ‘Built from engineering-grade plastic with a laser-etched stainless steel blade,’ the blurb boasts, ‘the Boss 3000 will have Margheritas, Quattro Formaggis and even Sicilians trembling in fear as it glides through their doughy bases and sloppy toppings like…well, like a circular saw wielded by a hungry loon with a power tool fixation.’ Sometimes, being a man must be grindingly depressing Photograph: unknown/guardian.co.uk

Vintage Marque Wine Puzzle (£19.99 from House of Fraser) So you like wine? Well, lucky old you: the new owner of a fairly ordinary bottle that will take you many hours to get into. Once you have, down it quickly and try not to think of what that £20 could have got you instead Photograph: guardian.co.uk

Bubble bottle of layered pulses (£8 from BHS) Nothing says Christmas like pulses! This is from the traditional school of foodie gifts – it looks reasonably pretty, but is actually completely useless. A bumper bag of split peas would be more welcome than this multicoloured assortment of ageing legumes submerged in oil. To be fair to BHS, it is displayed in the ‘decorative’ food and drink section, but that probably won’t stop someone trying to shove the contents down the throat of the bountiful donor Photograph: guardian.co.uk

Herend Fish Scale Teabag Holder (£45 from Fortnum & Mason) It’s heartening to know that you don’t have to have cheapskate relations to benefit from a rubbish Christmas present. This hand-painted Hungarian china dish is a pretty solution to the perennial problem of what to do with your teabag once you’ve finished dunking it. Thank God for that then Photograph: guardian.co.uk

Snowball and Glass Set (£4.55 from Debenhams) ‘A classic cocktail, ideal for getting the party started’, according to the Debenham’s website. If you’ve got a party full of retro-styled mice with a sweet tooth perhaps, but otherwise I’d caution against relying on this miniature bottle of ‘smooth and refreshing’ fizzy advocaat for festive fun Photograph: guardian.co.uk

Seafood Treats Luxury Gift Set (£12.95 from finefoodstore.co.uk) This isn’t a bad present per se – if you’re the kind of person who gets excited about a couple of jars of assorted cephalopods and a seafood salad. Comes in a stylish jute carrier bag too – just the thing to show off your squid to its best advantage down the pub on Boxing Day Photograph: guardian.co.uk

Maggie Thatcher nutcracker (£9.99 from iwantoneofthose.com) The perfect gift for any food-loving Guardian reader no doubt, this supremely practical object allows you to crack your nuts between the muscular thighs of the iron lady – a joke that will surely never wear thin. Before rushing to order, do note the all-important disclaimer: this product is not suitable for use in voodoo ceremonies Photograph: Tim Booth/guardian.co.uk

Mondego Reserve Wine Kit (£15 from Asda) Assuming a wine buff is secretly desperate to get stuck in and make their own is like imagining that a keen reader would appreciate a notepad and pen for Christmas. Except the results probably wouldn’t taste like kerosene Photograph: guardian.co.uk

Crate of Chocolate Liqueurs (£4.99 from Lakeland) Given Puritanism is well and truly dead in this country, I’m not really clear what the point of chocolate liqueurs are. If you want a drink at 10am on Christmas Day, have one. But don’t try and get into the festive spirit by popping a cherry brandy chocolate in your mouth every five minutes and then going to bed early with a sugar headache Photograph: CHS Creative/guardian.co.uk

Terry’s Chocolate Orange (2 for £4 at Shell service stations until Christmas) I admit, most of us would be at least moderately pleased to have one of these on hand during the annual Boxing Day snooze in front of The Great Escape. It’s not the present that’s rubbish – it’s the fact that they’ve grabbed it while waiting to pay for petrol. No one wants to be an afterthought to a fossil fuel Photograph: guardian.co.uk