There is no place for second-best in the cutthroat world of Twitter, Lord Sugar (@lord_sugar). And your dull tweets about Apprentice viewing figures or the latest product from Amscreen are just the tip of the iceberg. Step into my boardroom and be my Twitter apprentice.
Feuding with Piers Morgan
As the old proverb goes: "There is nothing more futile than a Twitter feud with Piers Morgan (@piersmorgan)." I gagged on my cornflakes when you tweeted: "Comparison with Icelandic Volcano and Piersy. One has an eruption every year the other has an erection." To bring Morgan down a peg or two, talk to Lily Allen (@lilyrose allen). She knows how to shut him up ("@piers morgan YOU ARE SUCH A DICK !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"). Put this feud to bed, I beg of you.
Get your Cilla on
Last week when 2008 Apprentice finalist Claire Young (@ClaireLYoung) commented on current contestant Vincent Disneur: "Please tell me what Vince aka Dongtanion/Mickey Only Fools + Horses is doing. Male model with his 'great looks' #debatable", you saw your chance to play Cupid: "vince told me off all the girls who have ever been on the apprentice he really fancies you. Interested?"
Although Claire politely declined, please do not be put off. Kerry Katona (@mskkatona) is still on the market. Work your magic there.
Chill out, Judge Judy!
The twit-storm centred on Ryan Giggs has got you riled up: "Parliamentary privilege defies the rules. If a judge makes a ruling and members of parliament breach it deliberately they should be jailed." With half of Twitter under threat of doing bird and nobody knowing what they can say, my advice is: "Don't get involved, Rumpole. It ain't worth it."
Lots of love @scouserachel
