IT’S STILL QUIET
It’s not easy being Arsenal, what with selling the world’s most expensive season tickets while being housed in one of London’s most unequal boroughs. And that’s without even contemplating the planet’s most sophisticated shrill of internet users – had David Cameron simply shown the foresight to harness their potential, he’d still be in a job and Britain wouldn’t be heading out of the EU. And though it is some time since Arsenal were champions of England, one trophy they are sure to win is the prestigious Chief Executive Cup, awarded to football’s most deluded suit. Only last week, Ivan Gazidis was in the news crowing about Arsenal’s “very, very powerful balance”, whatever that means, however that is measured, and quite how that differs from a mere “very powerful balance” remains unclear, but The Fiver is not one to split adverbs.
Anyway, old Ivan had plenty more assertions to assert. “It’s about having a strong core philosophy and values within the club that players buy into and our fans can be proud of,” he said of tweeted selfies and YouTubing apoplexy. “These are all things that lead to success.” A point upon which he was happy to expand, proclaiming: “When you look at Arsenal over the last four or five years, there’s no question that the squad has been progressing in strength.” From nowhere near winning the title to nowhere near winning the title, it’s a modern miracle!
During this time, Arsenal have frequently failed to spend the money sitting in their current account – or “being very, very disciplined”, as Gazidis describes it, putting his finger on the precise purpose of a football club. In particular, the club have failed to sign a better striker than Olivier Giroud who, though quite good, is also not quite good enough. But finding a replacement is not easy, all the more so given Arsène Wenger’s fascination with rehabilitation, a passion so intense as to restrict his horizons to the, er, politically incorrect stylings of Karim Benzema, Luis Suárez and Jamie Vardy. It is often said that there are no men of principle left in football, but here, surely, is one.
Still, they say that all heroes let you down in the end, and today broke the shocking news that Lyon have rejected Arsenal’s bid for Alexandre Lacazette, a man neither under suspicion for nor convicted of any nefarious activity. Perhaps fittingly, there appears to be no prospect of a transfer. “Arsenal made an offer of €35m which Lyon didn’t accept for one reason alone – we will keep Alexandre Lacazette,” read a message posted on their website with fearsome, definitive, hilarious authority. “No one, but no one, messes with Lyon,” chorused the watching world. Perhaps they have more in common with Arsenal than originally thought.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“It’s become clear these calls are not going to ‘even themselves out’ over the remainder of the year. The officiating was disgusting. It was the last straw in what I believe to be a season full of inconsistent, incompetent and unprofessional refereeing. And while it’s easy to dismiss it as ‘just a game’, these bad calls can affect the lives and livelihoods of everyone associated with the club” – Tampa Bay Rowdies chairman Bill Edwards works off his funk in a statement, with added FACT-laden video compilation, over the state of refereeing in the North American Soccerball League.
FIVER LETTERS
“Wow, a reference to wrestling (yesterday’s Fiver). The Fiver has sunk to a new low, which I really didn’t think was possible” – Dan Makeham.
“Is The Fiver aware of a rival football-related online infotainment product called The Tenner? Rumour is that it might be twice as good as what you lot put out. If so, I can’t wait for someone to start issuing the Hundreder – now that sounds like it might be worth a few minutes of my day” – Mike Wilner.
“Ten years after unsubscribing from your untimely email, I now find myself drawn to signing up again. Like wondering what became of an ex-girlfriend, hopefully you have actually improved with time. When I was last here, one of your readers went on a blind date with another reader and I believe it was a disaster. Are they now married?” – Neil Richardson.
• Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … Rollover.
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BITS AND BOBS
Mamadou Sakho’s Liverpool future is currently looking about as promising as Mario Balotelli’s after the France defender was sent home from the club’s pre-season tour of the USA! USA!! USA!!! due to some kind of japery that didn’t go down well with Jürgen Klopp. Which is strange, because the club has been only too happy to entertain fans with the centre-back’s antics.
A fancy blue plaque has been plastered to the front of 43 Waverley Gardens, Barking, in honour of Bobby Moore. “He is the ultimate local boy done good,” cheered West Ham vice-chair, Karren Brady, in her local dialect.
Pep Guardiola is working Manchester City beancounters harder than his first team. He’s set to take the club’s spending past the £100m mark in the next few days after closing in on the signings of Leroy Sané, Gabriel Jesus and Marlos Moreno.
Joe Allen has taken his love of chickens to Staffordshire from Merseyside following his £13m move from Liverpool to Stoke.
Hull City fans are readying themselves for a season of phenomenal football after Bobby M was installed as clear favourite to take over as manager.
Juventuzzzzzzzzzzz 2-1 Spurzzzzzzz.
Fleetwood Town are looking for a new manager after Steven Pressley opted to do one.
And FA chief suit Martin Glenn reckons there will be no winter break while cash is raining down on the Premier League from the current £5.1bn Sky TV deal. Nope.
STILL WANT MORE?
No one cared about Sam Allardyce’s unveiling as England boss, writes Jacob Steinberg. And there was good reason for that.
More than a few eyebrows were raised in Argentina when the first female assistant coach was hired by River Plate but ‘brain-trainer’ Sandra Rossi has made a big impact, cheers Juan Arango.
Who was the true architect of professional soccer in the USA! USA!! USA!!!? William Cox, that’s who, hollers Michael Lewis.
Slim pickings in this section today folks. Yup, here’s the Rumour Mill.
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