Dear Agony Akka,
I am in a holy mess. Let me start from the beginning. On April 12, I had the divine fortune of visiting Haridwar and taking a dip in the slightly turgid ambrosia that is the Ganga. Yes, I was part of three million lucky souls who washed away their sins at the Kumbh Mela. And there was a bonus. Rose petals came showering down from the sky, delivered from a helicopter that emerged like a pushpaka vimana. One petal landed on my nose and I ate it as prashad for good measure. But the unfathomable has happened. Instead of making me invincible, at the end of the mela, I began to hack and cough. Now I have been diagnosed with COVID. I know god works in mysterious ways, but this seems very unfair. How do I explain this curse?
— Still on Medication
Dear SOM,
First things first. Are you sure you have got COVID? These days, there are many alternative patients floating around. These are people who pretend to be infected with the deadly virus just to discredit India. They are simply coughing and turning blue like Tintin in comics when all they have to do is try to breathe and do some pranayama and everything will be okay. In fact, many people are even preferring to die just to spite the government.
Before you blindly trust science, invest in alternative science. That is why beginning of 2020, I have thrown away all my thermometers and I prefer to use a lactometer instead to check temperature these days. It is the trendy instrument of today’s youth and it is proving very accurate. It has not recorded any fever at all for me since the start of the pandemic.
Anyway, Indians are immune to pandemic-shandemic. Our bodies have special genes, ripped genes, that protect us from corona, common sense etc. Moreover, this COVID virus cannot enter holy place like Haridwar. It has been scientifically proven that it frequents crowded events of only certain communities.
Second place virus cannot enter is Goa crowded night-clubs. One report was produced by Harvard that virus can be killed by feni, so fashionable people are all going to Goa and dancing all night and singing ‘Ra Ra Rasputin’ as if pandemic is pastemic.
Which is why I am beginning to think that maybe this is all your fault. In Haridwar, there are many, many holy men and cows. Did you make any effort at all to stand next to one so that you can get some live-streaming gaumutra? Did you try to acquire a thali or two to bang? Without making any decent effort, how can you expect good results? Remember, god helps only those who help themselves. Of course, the rose petal was a good move. Full marks for trying.
But look at me. Only last month I topped up on supplies of manure toothpaste and fresh bovine piddle — for ₹130 you can get a 500 ml bottle — which I am glugging away like anything. That is how I am roaming around so healthy and glowing that ground-floor Gaurishankar is asking why I need vaccine I am looking like below-40 maiden hahaha.
Oh wait, I know. Did you eat burger-pizza? Yoga Baba clearly announced in Hardiwar that eating fast-foods and all is having negative impact on the body, but will you people listen? Never. There are many, many desi miracle foods like Chyawanprash Ice-cream, Haldi Hummus and Tulsi Tortillas. Please to indulge to heart’s full. (Avoid stealing neighbour’s tulsi leaves, of course.)
Also avoid kissing. You can try chin-to-chin contact instead. That is our most protected body part these days and can be safely utilised for greeting, sexting, pressing lift buttons etc. Get well soon.
— AA
agony.akka@gmail.com
