"Money, so they say. Is the root of all evil today," sung the pretentious prog-rockers Pink Floyd as, with the vision of Nostradamus, they predicted the state our world would be in on Tuesday March 18 2008. From the front page to the last it's all about filthy lucre, and there's not enough to go round, that's for sure. Floyd told it right. Pop musicians, eh? Is there anything they can't do?
"Offer a fair settlement after four years of marriage," might be a possible answer. But only if you are the sort of person that throws water across a courtroom and then rants to reporters on the pavement about £24.3m hardly being enough to "travel B class", whatever that may be. Yes, Heather Mills is in town and she ain't happy about the measly pay-out she's received from that guy from Wings.
And who else is worrying about joining Ms Mills on the breadline? Well, there's Frank Lampard for one, who is demanding £10m off the Chelsea board if they don't want him to take his deflected shots elsewhere. Apparently he can buy himself out of his contract for a mere £5m, but then he wouldn't even be able to sit with the lovely Ms Mills in B class; it'd be an Easyjet to Barcelona for him.
Then there is Ben Foster, who is proving tempting for clubs that could offer him - whisper it quietly - first-team football. But why would he want that, when there is a handsome new contract awaiting him in his locker at Old Trafford? He'll be travelling A class to substitute benches around the country next season.
Meanwhile, David Villa is attracting the interest of Man Utd, Spurs and Chelsea, who will all be bidding the sort of figures that you can earn from being married to a Beatle for a few years.
If money talks (and it doesn't) it would say that James Beattie isn't as good as David Villa and will be the subject of a mere £5m bid from Aston Villa in the summer. That's around the figure you'd be looking at for a shotgun wedding to Rolling Stone or five decades of marriage to a Bluetone. Take your pick, Martin.
Amid all this celebration of wealth let's spare a thought for poor Luke Steele, who will have to take a wage cut if he wants to return to Barnsley for the rest of their FA Cup campaign. Apparently, there are some human beings that aren't earning £700-an-hour for kicking a football or marrying a rock star and actually have to worry about making ends meet and supporting themselves financially in the modern world. Let's keep them out of the papers in future, eh?
