Claudio Ranieri is in a dilemma. Not only must he decide which pidgin-English rib-ticklers to crack tonight, he also has to choose between Hasselbaink, Gudjohnsen, Mutu and Crespo for the big game at the Library.
The problem, of course, is that they're all sub-standard at the highest level, which is careless given that they cost over £50m. But at least Ranieri's successor won't have the same problem - because Chelski are after Milan superstar Andriy Shevchenko! Again!
The Daily Star says Roman Abramovich is hoping to use his "close friendship" with Shevchenko - they shook hands once and even come from the same part of the world - to seal the deal.
Reports at the weekend said Chelsea had bid £80m; now apparently it's, erm, £22m. "It's true Milan may not been keen (sic) to let him go," said The Star's source. So that'll be a space-filling non-story, then.
But the Star has nothing on the Express, and in particular the omnipotent Harold Harris. Under the headline "£30m Rio bids tempt United", Harris tells us that United have, erm, received two £30m bids for United - from Chelsea and Real Madrid - and that, erm, Sir Alex doesn't want to sell. So where's the temptation? Or even the story?
Our 'Arry isn't finished there, though, and nor are Chelsea. If Becks needs to return to England to save his marriage, Chelsea - bless them - will take him on out of the goodness of their nouveau-riche hearts. "But only at a knockdown price." Eh?
In a display of deduction that would make Sherlock Holmes blush, 'Arry then confirms that "any renewed interest in Beckham will depend on the new coach at Stamford Bridge".
Then, mounting his high horse majestically, Harris says that "Real Madrid would have to get real if there is to be any summer purchase". Finding his range like a blind drunk hitman, he finally concludes that Chelsea would give Madrid their money - about £23m. Now the Rumours has had some block-rockin', wallet-busting nights out at Chinawhites, but even by our standards £23m isn't exactly on the cheap. Is it?
It's all a non-story, of course, because in a display of cunning wordplay that makes the Rumours go all green-eyed and wobbly, 'Arry says that Chelsea have "already lined up a right-sided star from Spain - and it is not Beckham"!
They want whackin' Joaquin, the Real Betis flyer, and "are dangling a tempting £25m cheque under their noses". They've even sprayed some nice perfume on it.
Enough of the haves. Following the kidnapping of Louis Saha, Chelsea's neighbours Fulham could have another massive 'have-nots' stamp applied to their bosom: Edwin van der Sar's agent has confirmed that PSV want his man this summer - but says a move is a long way off.
"It is still premature," Rob Jansen said, before remembering where he was and turning his attention to the matter in hand. "Edwin knows of the interest of PSV. We still have to look at the advantages and disadvantages. Nothing has been decided." Not another non-story surely?
After funnelling around the back pages like a drugged-up sewer rat, the Rumours finally found an authentic story - in bonny Scotland. Rangers, peeved at being totally outclassed by Celtic, are pulling out all the stops to make sure it never happens again: their big summer signing is going to be...Alex Rae!
Hugo Viana has had crisis talks with Sir Bobby at Newcastle, and another probably useless overseas winger, Javier De Pedro, will join Manchester City from Real Sociedad in the summer - provided City don't get relegated.
Rafael van der Vaart says he hasn't been contacted by Sir Alex over a move to Old Trafford. He wants to go to Barcelona anyway, so there. And Bayer Leverkusen want Villa hammer Thomas Hitzlsperger. Klaus Augenthaler, the Leverkusen coach, was at Villa Park on Sunday - and though he denied he was also watching Peter Crouch, the Rumours can smell a fib a mile off.
Finally, Eero Korte, a Finnish prodigy it says here, is training with Chelsea after impressing The Premiership's big-spenders' network of youth scouts. They have them?
