Dear Troubleshooter:
I'm a housewife in my 70s. My son's wife won't let my granddaughter wear the clothes that I bought for her.
I haven't had the opportunity to buy clothes for my granddaughter until now. So, when I was in the kid's clothing section the other day, I went up to another family, told them my granddaughter's age and asked them to give me her size. I bought heaps of cute clothes for her and gave them to my son's wife.
However, she hasn't shown the slightest inclination to dress my granddaughter in the clothes I bought. When I pressed her about it, she said, "You're the last person I want buying clothes for her." I was utterly shocked by her inability to recognize my kindness for what it was. She seems to still be holding a grudge against me for saying when she was pregnant, "I'm disappointed it wasn't a boy."
I cannot forgive her impertinent attitude and, even worse, her attempts to keep my granddaughter all to herself. I want her to leave my granddaughter with me and get out of the house.
I await your advice on the matter.
C, Tokyo
Dear Ms. C:
I completely understand your desire to lavish affection on your granddaughter. However, the most important people in her life are her parents, who are always by her side. Don't you think it would be sad for your granddaughter if you tried to pamper her in a way that didn't please your son and his wife?
Reading your letter, I see that you think that buying clothes for your granddaughter is an act of kindness on your part. However, if your daughter-in-law doesn't want you to do it, then it's nothing more than sticking your nose in other people's business. Moreover, you don't even know for sure if the clothes will fit her, since you asked another family to give you her size. Honestly speaking, I can't believe that you blithely handed over the clothes without knowing her size.
Also, your desire to have your daughter-in-law leave her own daughter and get out of the house is completely outrageous. Even if that option existed, do you really think your granddaughter would be happy if her mother went away? You're treating your granddaughter like a toy for your amusement.
If you truly want to spend quality time with your granddaughter, you have to admit to your daughter-in-law that you were wrong. No words could be more hurtful to your daughter-in-law than "I'm disappointed it wasn't a boy." You have no choice but to ask her forgiveness and hope that she removes the barriers she's put up against you. It will be very difficult, but I think that all you can do is apologize to her and give it time.
Haruaki Deguchi,
university president
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