Dear Troubleshooter:
I am a homemaker in my 30s raising a daughter who is about to turn 1. I am worried about my relationship with my mother.
When I told my mother about my pregnancy, she said, "I don't want a granddaughter." I felt something was wrong, but I thought I would be taken care of when I went back to my mother's house and gave birth, so I put up with it.
I stayed with my mother after giving birth. In retrospect, I feel sorry for her having to take care of my daughter and myself, and for the additional burden of my husband when he came to stay. But my mother rejected my daughter completely, saying she's too stubborn and doesn't stop crying, and telling me, "I thought you'd give birth to a boy."
Rejected at every turn and driven into a corner, I returned home feeling like I'd just been through a break-up. I haven't been in contact with her since.
I wonder why she fixates on my daughter's gender and says bad things to her, leaving me with feelings of hatred toward my mother. It pains me to look at my daughter, because every time I do my mother's hurtful words echo in my head. Can you help me find the right mind-set with which to live my life going forward?
B, Tokyo
Dear Ms. B:
You're asking about your relationship with your mother, but I have no idea what you yourself want from that relationship.
It's up to you to decide how you want to live. It's difficult to answer your question without you giving some indication of what you want to do.
If you want to be happy and have peace, I would say, first of all, you need to keep yourself away from those who hurt you and your child's feelings.
I fully understand how painful it is for you to hear that from your mother doesn't want her granddaughter, and I can imagine how painful it was for you to hear that from your mother, whom you wanted the most to help you.
But now you are a mother raising a child. In order to protect and raise your child, you must be strong and live strong.
Why don't you make up your mind to stop worrying about what your mother told you and set aside your troubles unless she comes to you? I think it's also important to expand your relationships with people other than your mother who will support you and with whom you can share your feelings.
Junko Umihara, psychiatrist
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