Dear Troubleshooter:
I'm a housewife in my 70s. I want to consult you about my grandchildren.
My son got divorced 15 years ago. Soon after that, my grandchildren were living nearby, but they didn't bother to visit me and my husband, even on New Year's Day. We felt so lonely, as we prepared otoshidama cash gifts for them in vain.
After that, one grandchild went on to high school and university and started coming to see us to receive congratulatory money. This grandchild visited us on such occasions as their ceremonies for entering school, graduation and coming of age, as well as marriage and childbirth, and we went out to eat together every time.
We also sent a small monthly allowance to a grandchild who lived in a dormitory, as we worried they might be short on money. I think we spent quite a lot on them.
The grandchild who has a child visits us four or five times a year. I find my great-grandchild adorable.
Recently, I learned that the mother of my grandchildren got remarried. My grandchildren never told us that. I must say I'm not really happy about it. How should I deal with them from now on?
W, Okayama Prefecture
Dear Ms. T:
Your grandchildren are only trying to be nice to you and your husband. Do you not find them sweet and lovable?
Unless your grandchildren bring up the subject, you should pretend not to know about it. That's the generosity grandparents and adults are supposed to have.
That's not something to be blamed for, and there's nothing you can do about it. If anything, your current good relationship may be strained and deteriorate. Your grandchildren are worried about this and therefore are remaining silent on the matter. They are behaving considerately, like adults. You should be pleased.
You may be obsessed with your son's divorce, but whatever the circumstances might have been, it has nothing to do with your grandchildren. Isn't it wonderful that one of them is fond of you and comes to see how you are now and then?
You should never use such patronizing words as "I've given them a lot of pocket money" in front of anyone, let alone your grandchildren. It's so mean and greedy.
Please love and cherish your grandchildren as you have until now, which is perfectly normal to do.
Tatsuro Dekune, writer
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